Howdy folks!!
The weather here in Germany is like a pregnant lady in a blizzard...can't decide if she's burnin' up or cold. And it changes about every 15 minutes.
Lately I've been busying myself with to do list since the days recently have been better as far as my Fibromyalgia is concerned. I'm still working with sleepiness issues but hey, I'll take what I can get and be grateful.
My first Egg is getting Alayna enrolled into our town's Kindergarten. She'll be starting September 13th and they'll put her in the 1-2.5 year old class!! The more I hear about this program the more I love it. I know I want to homeschool when we get back to the states but as for now Alayna needs to be socializing with kids her age and learning to let others besides me take care of her. She freaks out lately if there is any interaction in which I'm not involved. Heartwarming but also as most mothers know...frustrating!
I get to choose her hours that she attends and even the amount of days. They get Bible study lessons and I'm sure she'll also pick up some Deustche as well. A tri-lingual kid, could you imagine?! I've continued vigorously with the ASL however beyong single word formation, we aren't getting anywhere. I think it has something to do with the fact that she can talk and she's just now beginning to form spoken sentences. So it stands to reason that stringing signs together may take a little more time and effort.
This Kindergarten has everything tiny for little people. Little potties and sinks, hooks and shoe benches at their level. Alayna would have a special pair of shoes specifically for wearing "indoors" at the school. (House shoes in essence)
The community and staff makes it their mission to help the child thrive and grow in all areas, spiritual, education, mind and even how their body grows. I'm hoping to pick her up from school on my bike since there aer bike trails. It's about a mile away. Alayna will be going with the cute little son of the Battalion Commander. His wife, (haven't decided a nickname) helped me through the paperwork, and there's a lot of it! They take this sort of stuff very seriously. Which is a good thing I guess. Don't get me started on school shopping...I know it's sort of like Day Care yeah but it really IS so much more than that. They have great structure and are taught in multiple subjects. From what I hear, there may be a member of the staff that knows American Sign Language! So I'm sure that person will help me in contributing to my efforts. That's speculation of course. But that would be so great!
Germany is really starting to grow on me. That scares me because I could really see myself climbing the fence of decision and sitting on it about moving back to the states right away when Adam deploys. I know it's still far off but that may be more time for me to realize all the things Germany has brought to my life. There is a LOT I'm going to miss if I leave. I'm terrible homesick for the people in my life back "home" though too. Living overseas has forced me to grow up more and become more independent on my immediate family unit. We are a family and we come first. I have been trying to take the reigns and think about what's best for our family as a whole instead of what I want to happen or any outside influence. This is a very good thing. Builds my confidence for sure!
My 2nd Egg is transforming Alayna's room from a nursery to a big girl room! I agonized over how to do this because I want to make as few changes as possible as she gets older and her tastes change. I know sinking hundreds of dollars in bedding, rugs, curtains and such to deck her room out in Tinkerbell is just silly. She'll grow out of that in two years and then I'll be stuck doing this all over again. So I decided to feed off of her absolute obsession with flowers and nature. She loves grass and leaves so I pondered a neutral but still "garden-esque" bedding and linens and turn her sanctuary into the Secret Garden! I love that movie and there are so many ways to make subtle changes as she grows. And if she ever wants to overhaul it completely...well I've got a ton of decorations for Spring or even a breakfast nook. Yep, thinkin' with the ole noggin. :) So I found 2 small wicker chairs and an armoire at IKEA. I'm excited to get down to the foliage!! Little here, little there.
Egg number 3: I'm still in the midst of the Left Behind Series by Tim Lahaye and Jerry B Jenkins. I am between books and waiting for the next one "The Mark" (#8) to arrive. In the meantime I read "Against Medical Advice" by James Patterson and Hal Friedman. It's about the obstacles faced by a boy (and all those around him) who suffers with Tourette's Syndrome. From doctor to doctor, pharmacy and daily life, this book was a quick read and kept me very interested. I was able to connect with the boy in some aspects although he was recounting his childhood whereas I didn't develop a chronic illness until I was 22. The frustration, suspense and the courage of Cory and his family were inspiring. If you ever get a chance to read it you should. I read it in 3 days. Not a very long book but a really good one none the less! Now I'm trying to decide whether or not to wait on my next book or move onto something else in the down time. It's driving me nuts because this series is just phenomenal!! I was so impatient waiting for 2 books when I blew through one that I read them online before they got here! I had never been so much into reading but as an adult I'm just loving it!!
Egg number 4: A New shiny egg or in my case, a scuffed busted one. I bumped into an old blue VW in a pretty hairy parking situation with my van teetering in a gutter/storm drain and a car trying to pull passed behind me in a tiny space. Great, so he "thought" I'd pull out of his way in enough time to go by but in reality I was making such a sharp turn I had to back up a little to pull in clearing the car next to me. Well he wouldn't stop and I thought he'd hit me so I nudged on the gas ever so slightly to just squeeze out of the way and scraaaaape. Super. I got out of the car to asses if there was any damage and need for me to leave my information and of course there was. More on my car than the other ladies. Her's had a tiny mark of white on it. But still, I got back in the car to find paper and something to write with and I almost didn't notice her fixin to pull out and leave! She snuck in her car pretty silent like! So I jump out and wave at her window. She doesn't understand me so I wave her to "come here" or get out of the car so I can show her what I did. She could've been my grandma so of course I'm embarrassed and feel really bad that I have to tell her I hit her car. We exchange information written and try to "talk" and communicate as best we can. She was trying to tell me that it wasn't a big deal and we'd work something out, nothing worth getting in a tizzy over. Then she told me a little bit about her grandchildren. She has a granddaughter about Alayna's age that goes to the Kindergarten in a neighboring town. It was a relief that she was so laid back about it. RED was the one I was afraid to tell. Mainly because in my mind I can see him turning Red... Yes I backed into (and BARELY touched a stucko wall) and it left a few itty bitty dimples and no paint damage. So this would make the second time I've run into something in the last 6 months. And it's the ONLY times I've ever hit anything since I've been driving... So I guess that's not too bad but talk about timing!! Not such great luck with that. lol. I was able to take a Magic Erasure to the paint and all the blue came off so the damage is minimal to the van. It looks a lot better. I'm not trying to down play it, of course, I should've been more careful. Or perhaps even more careful than I was already trying to be. I never set out to ram somebody that day. Who does that? It's just THINGS. I do my very best to care for them because yes we work hard for what we have BUT to me...it's just things. Things can always be replaced and my treasures aren't here on Earth. There are things and people I treasure of course but that's different.
Needless to say RED finally got over being peeved at me but I haven't heard the end of the bumper car jokes. I'm sure that'll continue for oh...the next 5 years or so.
Egg numero funf. (that's 3 languages!) ha! It's beautiful living in Germany but can we say expensive?! Last Friday we had our oil tanks topped off because they were half empty and it took about 2000 liters. We could've filled it more but we had to sortof guesstimate. All in all it's going cost us $1988 and some change. whew. Keeping warm, driving and having the lights on in your home doesn't come cheap. So that'll put a nice dent in our bank account. I hope we might still be able to go to Italy or France for our anniversary next month!
There is so much more but I'm done "collecting for today so to speak. And since I don't have as much time to sit down and write one blog, it ends up in pieces over the course of a week and some of it ends up irrelevant or sincerely OLD news....
Happy Monday, Be safe!
(does anyone know why inserting links doesn't work?? It hasn't in any of my posts!)
I'm trying to institute a "sign of the day" type deal in my posts. I can't embed with SigningSavvy.com and the links aren't "linking". So stay tuned while I handle this technical difficulty.
There will also be a recipe inserted into every post :)
Today's Recipe is one I think you'll really enjoy with the last fruits of Summer.
Lemon Creme Fruit Dip
1 pkg Instant Lemon Pudding Mix
1 Cup Cold Milk
1 Cup of Plain yogurt (vanilla might work too)
Mix the pudding powder and milk together and let stand one minute. Fold in the yogurt until mixed well. Serve with Berries, Grapes and Melons. Enjoy!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
In a Valley...
Tired of being sick!! I find myself with more questions than motivation these recent weeks. Usually I have the attitude that Fibromyalgia or it's host of other accompanying health issues it strings along will not beat ME! I will get on top and stay there, live the life I want to!! But as for now, all that fills that space in the fight factory is HOPELESSNESS.
I've truly forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. To be pain free and active. Wake up happy, ready to start the day. I see pictures, I know I was in great shape and vivacious! The person I am today is but a shadow where the "whole" me once existed. If only the people that know me now could've known me then.
WOW.
Having this disease does change who I am in many ways. My mild OCD for having a spectacularly clean house and things JUST so was forcibly crushed by my inability to keep up. The pain sidelined me on the couch or wherever and the anxiety about the kitchen not being swept or mopped ate at me until there was just nothing left. I was forced to accept it. I don't like it, I never will. It will always bother me that I can't care for my home the way I desire. It'll bother me that when people stop by and there's dust here or there and the table is full of clutter...that they don't know that this is not the way it's always been.
Fibromyalgia is literally battling for my life. The doctors say that this is not a degenerative disease. HA!! Yeah it won't kill me itself. But what else gets chipped away? Emotional health and stability. Depression and anxiety take hold, your mind changes. I've become a more negative person in some aspects. My self esteem suffers. My peace of mind that I'll be able to take care of my children if something happens to my husband is non-existent. My husband. ugh. I know that those who live with me have to deal with the effects of this illness. It makes me incredibly sad because I'm the one who is supposed to lift THEM up and make their lives easier and more fun. Instead I am a burden. If the laundry goes undone, my husband has to do it to have clean clothes for work. That in itself riddles me with guilt. Which adds to the depression which effects my pain which makes me fatigued and so on. It's such a game of Dominos.
This disease is deadly. I had the potential to kill my marriage. But our love outweighs it, Thank God. It has killed my ability to fully enjoy anything. Even on the most precious days of my life, when we are having SO much fun, yeah I'm smiling but no one understands that I feel like someone has beat me in the back with a baseball bat or I've got a nerve in my shoulder that is burning intensely. As I'm writing this, my left shoulder and my spine are hurting so badly, it's a gnawing, wrenching stabbing pain. And it make me angry. How can pain really last or be consistent THIS long??
Fibromyalgia has broken my heart. I want to romp around and wrestle with my little girl. Toss her little 26 pound body up in the air and catch her and see that huge smile it puts on her face, hear that giggle that is priceless to my ears. Carry her around whenever she wants to be close to mommy. I can't. I want to more than anything, I just can't. It tears me up inside. I can get about 25 meters with her in my arms and than I have to have a break. I can't let her walk or climb on me while I'm laying on the floor. And I know she doesn't understand why she can do it with daddy and not with mommy. I've cried so much about it at night.
What a thief in my daily life. I lay in bed and wish there was someway to make the pain stop. My knees throb and my hips ache. I roll over and switch positions, constantly to take pressure from this side or that. Awh, "sorry honey, I know you love me but I can't tonight...I'm just hurting so bad." What a horrible feeling to have to reject your husband. Not that I ever want to. It's not fair to him OR to me!
He really doesn't grasp that I desire more intimacy too, I'm suffering alongside him and have guilt to go with it.
So many adventures I'd love to have with him: hiking, snowboarding, repelling, bowling and LONG bike rides. 6 years ago I could do any of that. Now I can only dream about it and hope that one day there will be a cure and I won't be too far gone from fitness to do these things.
I HATE doctors. I spend SO much of my precious time having to constantly re-iterate my entire 6 years of pain, how it started, symptoms, tests, physical therapy outcomes and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know you're busy but SERIOUSLY it's ALL in my medical file...READ IT!! Doctor visits stress me out. I have to always wonder whether or not they will continue to help me abate this severe pain. And be willing to prescribe what works..which I have NO control over. No, I'm sorry Ibuprofen does NOTHING for me. Don't ask me why, if it helped, why in heaven's sake would I not take it? Do they honestly think I like having 6 bottles of medication and seeing them once a month. I appreciate them but they are NOT on my list of favorite people. The one I see now expects me to drive (with my 2 year old in tow of course) 3 hours to Landstuhl for treatment. Does she understand what an undertaking that is? Wrestle to keep Alayna entertained while having to deal with sitting in one place for 3 hours? Not to mention getting up EARLY (like 4:30am) to leave for the appt to make it there by 9...don't know if she understands that most times mornings and right before bed are the WORST times somedays. I usually don't wake up until 9 or so and then I have to start subtle stretching and moving just to get going, that last anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. So maybe the husband can go? hmm...let's think on this: the clinic is open only during business hours Monday through Friday right? okay. Last time I check, my husband has a JOB and has to fly. Sorry if I'm not willing to spend his precious leave days taking care of medical issues. That's supposed to be when I'm about 65 or 70 and we have all day to do nothing but make sure we don't fall apart.
I am young, I am happy, I have a good life and deserve to enjoy it. Don't burden me with even MORE hardships of taking care of myself. The medical professionals should be doing what they can to make that part easier on me. I have enough crap to deal with in my life outside the doctors office while in pain...
So no, I will not die. I will go on living. Living with parts of me dying off here and there over time. Peaks and valleys of fighting spirit and throwing in the towel. I'll never be what I once was...but that...is apparently not the definition of death.
Only terminal suffering. I've got news for you.
Read more on my fun-filled daily experience here:
I've truly forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. To be pain free and active. Wake up happy, ready to start the day. I see pictures, I know I was in great shape and vivacious! The person I am today is but a shadow where the "whole" me once existed. If only the people that know me now could've known me then.
WOW.
Having this disease does change who I am in many ways. My mild OCD for having a spectacularly clean house and things JUST so was forcibly crushed by my inability to keep up. The pain sidelined me on the couch or wherever and the anxiety about the kitchen not being swept or mopped ate at me until there was just nothing left. I was forced to accept it. I don't like it, I never will. It will always bother me that I can't care for my home the way I desire. It'll bother me that when people stop by and there's dust here or there and the table is full of clutter...that they don't know that this is not the way it's always been.
Fibromyalgia is literally battling for my life. The doctors say that this is not a degenerative disease. HA!! Yeah it won't kill me itself. But what else gets chipped away? Emotional health and stability. Depression and anxiety take hold, your mind changes. I've become a more negative person in some aspects. My self esteem suffers. My peace of mind that I'll be able to take care of my children if something happens to my husband is non-existent. My husband. ugh. I know that those who live with me have to deal with the effects of this illness. It makes me incredibly sad because I'm the one who is supposed to lift THEM up and make their lives easier and more fun. Instead I am a burden. If the laundry goes undone, my husband has to do it to have clean clothes for work. That in itself riddles me with guilt. Which adds to the depression which effects my pain which makes me fatigued and so on. It's such a game of Dominos.
This disease is deadly. I had the potential to kill my marriage. But our love outweighs it, Thank God. It has killed my ability to fully enjoy anything. Even on the most precious days of my life, when we are having SO much fun, yeah I'm smiling but no one understands that I feel like someone has beat me in the back with a baseball bat or I've got a nerve in my shoulder that is burning intensely. As I'm writing this, my left shoulder and my spine are hurting so badly, it's a gnawing, wrenching stabbing pain. And it make me angry. How can pain really last or be consistent THIS long??
Fibromyalgia has broken my heart. I want to romp around and wrestle with my little girl. Toss her little 26 pound body up in the air and catch her and see that huge smile it puts on her face, hear that giggle that is priceless to my ears. Carry her around whenever she wants to be close to mommy. I can't. I want to more than anything, I just can't. It tears me up inside. I can get about 25 meters with her in my arms and than I have to have a break. I can't let her walk or climb on me while I'm laying on the floor. And I know she doesn't understand why she can do it with daddy and not with mommy. I've cried so much about it at night.
What a thief in my daily life. I lay in bed and wish there was someway to make the pain stop. My knees throb and my hips ache. I roll over and switch positions, constantly to take pressure from this side or that. Awh, "sorry honey, I know you love me but I can't tonight...I'm just hurting so bad." What a horrible feeling to have to reject your husband. Not that I ever want to. It's not fair to him OR to me!
He really doesn't grasp that I desire more intimacy too, I'm suffering alongside him and have guilt to go with it.
So many adventures I'd love to have with him: hiking, snowboarding, repelling, bowling and LONG bike rides. 6 years ago I could do any of that. Now I can only dream about it and hope that one day there will be a cure and I won't be too far gone from fitness to do these things.
I HATE doctors. I spend SO much of my precious time having to constantly re-iterate my entire 6 years of pain, how it started, symptoms, tests, physical therapy outcomes and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know you're busy but SERIOUSLY it's ALL in my medical file...READ IT!! Doctor visits stress me out. I have to always wonder whether or not they will continue to help me abate this severe pain. And be willing to prescribe what works..which I have NO control over. No, I'm sorry Ibuprofen does NOTHING for me. Don't ask me why, if it helped, why in heaven's sake would I not take it? Do they honestly think I like having 6 bottles of medication and seeing them once a month. I appreciate them but they are NOT on my list of favorite people. The one I see now expects me to drive (with my 2 year old in tow of course) 3 hours to Landstuhl for treatment. Does she understand what an undertaking that is? Wrestle to keep Alayna entertained while having to deal with sitting in one place for 3 hours? Not to mention getting up EARLY (like 4:30am) to leave for the appt to make it there by 9...don't know if she understands that most times mornings and right before bed are the WORST times somedays. I usually don't wake up until 9 or so and then I have to start subtle stretching and moving just to get going, that last anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. So maybe the husband can go? hmm...let's think on this: the clinic is open only during business hours Monday through Friday right? okay. Last time I check, my husband has a JOB and has to fly. Sorry if I'm not willing to spend his precious leave days taking care of medical issues. That's supposed to be when I'm about 65 or 70 and we have all day to do nothing but make sure we don't fall apart.
I am young, I am happy, I have a good life and deserve to enjoy it. Don't burden me with even MORE hardships of taking care of myself. The medical professionals should be doing what they can to make that part easier on me. I have enough crap to deal with in my life outside the doctors office while in pain...
So no, I will not die. I will go on living. Living with parts of me dying off here and there over time. Peaks and valleys of fighting spirit and throwing in the towel. I'll never be what I once was...but that...is apparently not the definition of death.
Only terminal suffering. I've got news for you.
Read more on my fun-filled daily experience here:
Sunday, June 12, 2011
My Journey to Intactivism.
This post in on INFANT CIRCUMCISION. You've been warned, this is a hot seat topic and this post is purely an insight step by step of my journey to Intactivism. I will write and list in order what I read and watched. This IS my journey. And I never saw this coming.
This blog is mainly for ME as a diary AND it's public so I hope to reach parents of unborn baby boys solely so they may be armed with as much information as possible before making this permanent decision for their baby. I don't care if you've already had ONE or more circumcised sons, if you are pregnant with another or seeking to add to your family... urge you to delve into this with an open mind.
If you already have boys and are done having childen, you can probably stop here.
First I can't and won't judge anyone else's decisions for their babies, they have reasons for why they do or do not circumcise. I also can say with about 99% certainty that you had not seen or read THIS information. Last September changed everything on this subject for me. I was adamant that if My husband and I were blessed with a boy that he would "absolutely" be circumcised, no question.
A friend of mine posted an article which of course sparked a discussion on the topic. I stated my view and opinion and was just about verbally attacked, I was said to be evil and that they couldn't believe I'd be the kind of parent to "mutilate" my sons penis. Yikes. Those were tough words. So of course I fired back and it didn't end well. I just had to walk away at that time. I didn't understand.
One day while on Facebook, one of the pages I follow posted an article called "Separated at birth" which I assumed was about siblings. Nope. It was about a man who felt he was separated from part of his own body after birth. I was intrigued and open-minded so I read the whole article. Certain excerpts boggled my mind and I had questions...lots of questions. So on my own without any bias (because I was on the side of circumcision is great) I set out to learn more about...well...PENIS.
I DID research all sides to this practice. All the debates about religious rituals as well. That's one reason I wanted my would be son circumcised. Because I am a Christian, I believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I had believed we are called to fulfill a covenant with God by circumcising our boys. (why not our girls for those who never have boys, I don't know) Anyway the covenant between God and Abraham. I watched 2 circumcision procedures in their entirety and just cried, I had no idea. 75% of the time there is no anesthesia used. I decided I would NOT post those videos in this blog. I recommend if you haven't attended a circumcision that you look one up and watch it.
I discovered that 67.5% of American parents said "NO" to circumcision in 2009. I wanted to know WHY. That's a BIG trend change so of course nosey me wants to "know all". I chased after the answer. I was floored but what I found. I was overwhelmed BUT instantly I wanted MORE, I couldn't stop searching, they have to be mistaken about this, they are fanatics right?
This article made me think so at first. It's long, but worth the read. If I could research school, vaccines, child discipline, I can most definitely take the time now to read about circumcision.
http://www.noharmm.org/separated.htm
On the side of the website was a link to these videos by Penn & Teller. They were funny because of the mood of the show however it was very enlightening. Watch them, all of them, don't piece here, piece there it. That's where all the assumptions collect. The empty spaces that need to be filled with knowledge.
After watching these videos I wanted to track down a more scientific approach. What I learned about the penis is astounding, wonderful...
Wow, I'm thinking to myself and talking to the Lord...what do I do with all this information? Did we get lost in translation with Your word?
It hit me like a bolt of lightning!! GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.
He knits us together in our mother's womb perfectly designed, and the way we should be. Something so drastic and religiously sacred should be left to the individual. I don't ever want my son coming back to me asking "Mom, Dad, WHY did you take this from me? I've learned what I've lost and I can never get it back." How would you take it? What would you say?
I had a dream about it... and that is weight I cannot bear. I will not take anything away from my sons body that later he may blame me for. God gave him his body.
MOST men are absolutely fine and happy with their penile status. So that's a relief. They know no different and all is well. But there is now a fast growing industry of "restoration" tools to help recreate a make shift "foreskin". It'll never have ridges or the erogenous tissues that the real foreskin did. But it will protect the glans from the outside environment. Some young men are angry. Some Colleges have support and protest groups fighting against infant circumcision, sueing their doctors (and winning) and trying to restore that part of the body. I think we should listen. I needed to listen. So I pulled up lots of video where men talk about their struggle to restore and "mourning" the loss of their foreskin. No joke. They put it out there for the world to see.
As a woman, I really mowed it over, and I'd be pissed today if I had something perfectly functional and natural surgically taken from me as soon as I entered the world. I'd really be angry. Maybe we should cut out some of the labia majora on little girls so the area is easier to clean. We have SMEGMA too. And more genital crevices and folds than any man does. Yet society in America is fine with that. When the baby is intact, cleaning it is like cleaning a finger. "Only clean what is seen". You cannot retract the foreskin of a pre-pubecent penis. So hygiene shouldn't be an issue if you know how to use wipes or soap and water. Jenn, you're nuts. You've been opened up to this whole other world you didn't know existed. I can't UNSEE or UNLearn what I now. No turning back.
Just recently there was a man I know that was complaining after a day of running around all over the place, the glans was chaffed pretty bad and sort of wore it raw. I felt so bad but part of me was like "protection was created for you, you just don't have it"
I mean hypothetically if you birthed a son, circumcised him and raised him in the ways of your spiritual, religious beliefs and after he leaves home and goes out into the world, becomes an athiest or agnostic for whatever reason...what good did the circumcision do HIM? It's not securing a parents place in heaven. Only YOU are accountably for YOUR actions in the eyes of God. (in my opinion) It's YOU and HIM.
I needed to know more of what the Bible says about this. It's the book of Life, a guide given the way we should lead our lives, the do's and donts. "Help me understand Lord", I prayed. "Show me what You want me to know" Amen.
I asked my mother-in-law why she circumcised her sons. I wanted to talk to moms, I needed more than science now, I needed humanized information. She thought on it a little and said it really wasn't a choice. She doesn't remember having consent papers to sign after their births. They took the babies to the nursery and at some point brought them back crying or snivelling to her and told to comfort the baby boy because he was just circumcised. It was just part of the routine, unquestioned.
Whoa, that's enlightening too. I couldn't imagine having that experience. I never did ask her if she would've had them circumcised anyway had she had to make the decision. I also have no idea if my "Sperm donor-in-law" whom I've never seen/met is circumcised or not.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_male_circumcision
I know it's Wikipedia BUT if you skip to your religion and read (mine being Christianity) you might find something you didn't know. I had to stay open minded here.
http://www.stopcirc.com/christian.html
Yes it's an intactivist post, however, I broke out the Bible and read the ENTIRE post and made reference to each conclusion the author came up with. My spirit shook inside me. HOW do we not know this?
My thinking on it was the Anti-masturbation movement that was backed by Kellogg and Graham. Good goin' guys. They realized that this method was a moot point. Circumcised Men who fought and died in wars for our country masturbated...because they had needs, and they were alone. They discovered the removal of the prepuce "foreskin" did NOTHING to stop masturbation. If anything it had the opposite effect. It just became mainstream so fast. And people kept finding reasons to continue the procedure routinely. They've pretty much ALL been debunked. What it boils down to is religion and beliefs. You can't fight someone's beliefs, they have that right! I support and respect it fully. Follow YOUR conviction and I'll follow mine.
On the other hand, we can stand up against removing perfectly healthy body parts from newborn baby boys. Why is it barbaric to circumcise our little girls but we don't even flinch at the thought of cutting the boys? Why can't they have the procedure done when they are grown, for religious purposes (if it is a legitimate sacrifice or covenant) it's HIS to give.... right.....????
Seriously? On this video I was blown away with the aspect that having the son "look like Daddy" down there was a big reason for circumcising. What if Daddy was missing a toe? Okay, but you get where I'm going. A little boy penis looks nothing like a grown man's penis first of all and second, by the time puberty changes things and the boy grows into a man, the last thing on his mind will be what his dad's dingle doo looks like. Do you know? Is it that important? Your children are going to look different because they are a combination of two people. Let them be who they are.
This Lady is sortof in my head. I love this post for the most part. And it definitely hits on my point of view. So if you'd like to get deeper in my head...read.
http://yourpalpoppy.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/circumcision-circumcision-circumcision-there-i-said-it/
Ladies! The foreskin was designed for US too! Did you know that condoms that are "Ribbed for Her Pleasure" are actually design to mimick the foreskin? Yup,yup!
I really like Laci Green, she's a pretty cool chick, and this is definitely a more laid back approach to finding information and starting discussion.
I have been changed, I'm not eating crow because of what I didn't know before. That's just wrong to blame people for how society has molded us. I am breaking the cycle with my family. Should I never have a son I will still educate my daughter on all aspects of circumcising infants should she have a baby boy someday. So she can make the best informed decision. In her Sex Education I'll be using curriculum that shows the penis in it's entirety. The way it was designed. I'm not sure what they use in schools nowadays.
Everytime I find out a friend is pregnant I pray I can slip this information in so at least they have it. Because I didn't. (Didn't matter b/c I had a girl)
And when they announce it's a girl I get an eerie sense of relief. That baby will go home uninjured and whole. What's done is done to all the boys already here, they will be just fine, we hope. Hopefully they won't be spending a bunch more money trying to fix what didn't need fixing in the first place. Foreskin is not a birth defect.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your blood and life sacrifice so we no longer have to sacrifice our flesh!!
Bottom line for me after all this....
Keep in mind these are MY views and MY perspective. I understand everyone is different. And you are a great parent!
This blog is mainly for ME as a diary AND it's public so I hope to reach parents of unborn baby boys solely so they may be armed with as much information as possible before making this permanent decision for their baby. I don't care if you've already had ONE or more circumcised sons, if you are pregnant with another or seeking to add to your family... urge you to delve into this with an open mind.
If you already have boys and are done having childen, you can probably stop here.
First I can't and won't judge anyone else's decisions for their babies, they have reasons for why they do or do not circumcise. I also can say with about 99% certainty that you had not seen or read THIS information. Last September changed everything on this subject for me. I was adamant that if My husband and I were blessed with a boy that he would "absolutely" be circumcised, no question.
A friend of mine posted an article which of course sparked a discussion on the topic. I stated my view and opinion and was just about verbally attacked, I was said to be evil and that they couldn't believe I'd be the kind of parent to "mutilate" my sons penis. Yikes. Those were tough words. So of course I fired back and it didn't end well. I just had to walk away at that time. I didn't understand.
One day while on Facebook, one of the pages I follow posted an article called "Separated at birth" which I assumed was about siblings. Nope. It was about a man who felt he was separated from part of his own body after birth. I was intrigued and open-minded so I read the whole article. Certain excerpts boggled my mind and I had questions...lots of questions. So on my own without any bias (because I was on the side of circumcision is great) I set out to learn more about...well...PENIS.
I DID research all sides to this practice. All the debates about religious rituals as well. That's one reason I wanted my would be son circumcised. Because I am a Christian, I believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I had believed we are called to fulfill a covenant with God by circumcising our boys. (why not our girls for those who never have boys, I don't know) Anyway the covenant between God and Abraham. I watched 2 circumcision procedures in their entirety and just cried, I had no idea. 75% of the time there is no anesthesia used. I decided I would NOT post those videos in this blog. I recommend if you haven't attended a circumcision that you look one up and watch it.
I discovered that 67.5% of American parents said "NO" to circumcision in 2009. I wanted to know WHY. That's a BIG trend change so of course nosey me wants to "know all". I chased after the answer. I was floored but what I found. I was overwhelmed BUT instantly I wanted MORE, I couldn't stop searching, they have to be mistaken about this, they are fanatics right?
This article made me think so at first. It's long, but worth the read. If I could research school, vaccines, child discipline, I can most definitely take the time now to read about circumcision.
http://www.noharmm.org/separated.htm
On the side of the website was a link to these videos by Penn & Teller. They were funny because of the mood of the show however it was very enlightening. Watch them, all of them, don't piece here, piece there it. That's where all the assumptions collect. The empty spaces that need to be filled with knowledge.
After watching these videos I wanted to track down a more scientific approach. What I learned about the penis is astounding, wonderful...
Wow, I'm thinking to myself and talking to the Lord...what do I do with all this information? Did we get lost in translation with Your word?
It hit me like a bolt of lightning!! GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.
He knits us together in our mother's womb perfectly designed, and the way we should be. Something so drastic and religiously sacred should be left to the individual. I don't ever want my son coming back to me asking "Mom, Dad, WHY did you take this from me? I've learned what I've lost and I can never get it back." How would you take it? What would you say?
I had a dream about it... and that is weight I cannot bear. I will not take anything away from my sons body that later he may blame me for. God gave him his body.
MOST men are absolutely fine and happy with their penile status. So that's a relief. They know no different and all is well. But there is now a fast growing industry of "restoration" tools to help recreate a make shift "foreskin". It'll never have ridges or the erogenous tissues that the real foreskin did. But it will protect the glans from the outside environment. Some young men are angry. Some Colleges have support and protest groups fighting against infant circumcision, sueing their doctors (and winning) and trying to restore that part of the body. I think we should listen. I needed to listen. So I pulled up lots of video where men talk about their struggle to restore and "mourning" the loss of their foreskin. No joke. They put it out there for the world to see.
As a woman, I really mowed it over, and I'd be pissed today if I had something perfectly functional and natural surgically taken from me as soon as I entered the world. I'd really be angry. Maybe we should cut out some of the labia majora on little girls so the area is easier to clean. We have SMEGMA too. And more genital crevices and folds than any man does. Yet society in America is fine with that. When the baby is intact, cleaning it is like cleaning a finger. "Only clean what is seen". You cannot retract the foreskin of a pre-pubecent penis. So hygiene shouldn't be an issue if you know how to use wipes or soap and water. Jenn, you're nuts. You've been opened up to this whole other world you didn't know existed. I can't UNSEE or UNLearn what I now. No turning back.
Just recently there was a man I know that was complaining after a day of running around all over the place, the glans was chaffed pretty bad and sort of wore it raw. I felt so bad but part of me was like "protection was created for you, you just don't have it"
I mean hypothetically if you birthed a son, circumcised him and raised him in the ways of your spiritual, religious beliefs and after he leaves home and goes out into the world, becomes an athiest or agnostic for whatever reason...what good did the circumcision do HIM? It's not securing a parents place in heaven. Only YOU are accountably for YOUR actions in the eyes of God. (in my opinion) It's YOU and HIM.
I needed to know more of what the Bible says about this. It's the book of Life, a guide given the way we should lead our lives, the do's and donts. "Help me understand Lord", I prayed. "Show me what You want me to know" Amen.
I asked my mother-in-law why she circumcised her sons. I wanted to talk to moms, I needed more than science now, I needed humanized information. She thought on it a little and said it really wasn't a choice. She doesn't remember having consent papers to sign after their births. They took the babies to the nursery and at some point brought them back crying or snivelling to her and told to comfort the baby boy because he was just circumcised. It was just part of the routine, unquestioned.
Whoa, that's enlightening too. I couldn't imagine having that experience. I never did ask her if she would've had them circumcised anyway had she had to make the decision. I also have no idea if my "Sperm donor-in-law" whom I've never seen/met is circumcised or not.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_male_circumcision
I know it's Wikipedia BUT if you skip to your religion and read (mine being Christianity) you might find something you didn't know. I had to stay open minded here.
http://www.stopcirc.com/christian.html
Yes it's an intactivist post, however, I broke out the Bible and read the ENTIRE post and made reference to each conclusion the author came up with. My spirit shook inside me. HOW do we not know this?
My thinking on it was the Anti-masturbation movement that was backed by Kellogg and Graham. Good goin' guys. They realized that this method was a moot point. Circumcised Men who fought and died in wars for our country masturbated...because they had needs, and they were alone. They discovered the removal of the prepuce "foreskin" did NOTHING to stop masturbation. If anything it had the opposite effect. It just became mainstream so fast. And people kept finding reasons to continue the procedure routinely. They've pretty much ALL been debunked. What it boils down to is religion and beliefs. You can't fight someone's beliefs, they have that right! I support and respect it fully. Follow YOUR conviction and I'll follow mine.
On the other hand, we can stand up against removing perfectly healthy body parts from newborn baby boys. Why is it barbaric to circumcise our little girls but we don't even flinch at the thought of cutting the boys? Why can't they have the procedure done when they are grown, for religious purposes (if it is a legitimate sacrifice or covenant) it's HIS to give.... right.....????
Seriously? On this video I was blown away with the aspect that having the son "look like Daddy" down there was a big reason for circumcising. What if Daddy was missing a toe? Okay, but you get where I'm going. A little boy penis looks nothing like a grown man's penis first of all and second, by the time puberty changes things and the boy grows into a man, the last thing on his mind will be what his dad's dingle doo looks like. Do you know? Is it that important? Your children are going to look different because they are a combination of two people. Let them be who they are.
This Lady is sortof in my head. I love this post for the most part. And it definitely hits on my point of view. So if you'd like to get deeper in my head...read.
http://yourpalpoppy.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/circumcision-circumcision-circumcision-there-i-said-it/
Ladies! The foreskin was designed for US too! Did you know that condoms that are "Ribbed for Her Pleasure" are actually design to mimick the foreskin? Yup,yup!
I really like Laci Green, she's a pretty cool chick, and this is definitely a more laid back approach to finding information and starting discussion.
I have been changed, I'm not eating crow because of what I didn't know before. That's just wrong to blame people for how society has molded us. I am breaking the cycle with my family. Should I never have a son I will still educate my daughter on all aspects of circumcising infants should she have a baby boy someday. So she can make the best informed decision. In her Sex Education I'll be using curriculum that shows the penis in it's entirety. The way it was designed. I'm not sure what they use in schools nowadays.
Everytime I find out a friend is pregnant I pray I can slip this information in so at least they have it. Because I didn't. (Didn't matter b/c I had a girl)
And when they announce it's a girl I get an eerie sense of relief. That baby will go home uninjured and whole. What's done is done to all the boys already here, they will be just fine, we hope. Hopefully they won't be spending a bunch more money trying to fix what didn't need fixing in the first place. Foreskin is not a birth defect.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your blood and life sacrifice so we no longer have to sacrifice our flesh!!
Bottom line for me after all this....
Keep in mind these are MY views and MY perspective. I understand everyone is different. And you are a great parent!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Fulfill the Dreams you can....when you can.
Hiya Family, friends and spectators!
While it's no secret that the spouses of those in the military make many sacrifices in their personal lives and dreams to support the career and service of their life partner... what seems to be hiding in the shadows (because we "try" not to complain about having to put our career dreams on hold) is the empowerment to accomplish the dreams we CAN in the meantime! Or discover dreams we didn't know we had. However, lately the ice is starting to melt over the prairie and with a little sunshine and inspiration, women all around me are awaking to the possibilities of fulfulling dreams that aren't related to professional careers. It really IS like a field of seedlings in my eyes. We are all tiny and green but with some time and work I'll watch every one of them blossom.
I'll just speak to one instance and I don't think she'll mind me saying so because she knows how I feel about her. (at least I hope she does) I have a friend whom I met at Fort Rucker. She was the very first wife I met, after that those were big shoes to fill. Anyhow, she is very well educated and intelligent. She's been studying and going through class after class to further her education to secure (I think a Masters degree). Neither here nor there, I think even she is aware that having 4 children and a husband deployed, she won't be working in that professional capacity anytime in the near future. BUT...and there is a big BUT. Something else she has amazing skills at...is CAKE. She started out making cakes for her families occasions and then graciously did cakes for the birthdays of her friends and their children (She did Alayna's 1st Birthday Cake, WOW!). Our close knit group of friends (and I'm sure many others at some point) had nudged a little bit for her to start a business. We thought she was just really talented when it came to cake!! Maybe it's because she's really sweet ;)
Well she is!! She hmm'd and hawwed over it and after moving to Fort Drum decided to open herself up to public orders. I was so proud of her and very excited to see what would be flying out of her kitchen! It may not be her Exalibur as far as goals but I sense she's very happy with all that she's accomplished thus far. Being able to have a job she enjoys, that she controls, that she can do in the comforts of home surrounded by her children, that can move with her and such. I mean really if delivering internationally wouldn't be so expensive and well... almost impossible for cake...I'd be one of her VIP customers!! (in the top 5 along with a little Italian firecracker who lives for her cake)
She is definitely one of the prime examples of going with what you've got!! One of my heroes for sure. She supports her husband with every ounce of her being and fulfills herself in the ways she can "in the now".
My dream is to be a midwife or pharmacist (or both!) however schooling is the issue at hand now. So...I study a little on my own, keep up with my Pharmacy Technician Certification because I know one day it'll be my turn to have the reigns to go after my Excalibur! In the meantime there are small non-profit dreams that I'm trying to set out after. Learning how to play guitar (which Miss Cake does ALSO!), crochet beanie hats for preemies and become fluent in American Sign Language.
I don't think I should have to wait until retirement to enjoy these things. Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and raising a child, which is my #1 priority but at the end of the day I'm still "me". I have thoughts and hopes that aren't encompassed around potty training, bathtime, storytime and all. There is no room at the Inn, in this case, the German Kindergarten in my town. They can only take 12 children ages 1-3. 12!! They are full up. And since the community offsets some of the cost, you can only reap those benefits in your town of residence. I can try a town over here or there and IF they have the room and will take her, I have to pay the entire amount. In Euro. Have you seen the exchange rate?! So in reality, she's at home, with me for now. Which means I'll do what I can, when I can. It sucks at times but I fully understand I chose to be a SAHM as well as the wife of a soldier.
Don't give up the part of you that can dream the little dreams while you stand by his side. You're so much more than a trophy ;) You can make a difference, no matter where you are, no matter who you are.
So for you, is it bike riding long distances? Playing in some sort of sport league? Sewing? writing? Caking? Building Bird Feeders? Becoming a tattoo artist?
I'm not waiting anymore!! Neither should you.
Afterthoughts:
Now someone start an in home daycare so I can bring my child! (lol) kidding!
The HeyTell App for iPhone is totally AWESOME!!!
I'm really craving some cake now.
There is absolutely nothing sweeter in life than seeing your little girl love gently on her sleeping daddy. Rubbing his head and talking softly to him. Then just simply wedging herself bewteen him and the back of the couch and watching Bambi. :)
Recipe will be attached to next post...stay tuned!
Buhhhbye for now!
While it's no secret that the spouses of those in the military make many sacrifices in their personal lives and dreams to support the career and service of their life partner... what seems to be hiding in the shadows (because we "try" not to complain about having to put our career dreams on hold) is the empowerment to accomplish the dreams we CAN in the meantime! Or discover dreams we didn't know we had. However, lately the ice is starting to melt over the prairie and with a little sunshine and inspiration, women all around me are awaking to the possibilities of fulfulling dreams that aren't related to professional careers. It really IS like a field of seedlings in my eyes. We are all tiny and green but with some time and work I'll watch every one of them blossom.
I'll just speak to one instance and I don't think she'll mind me saying so because she knows how I feel about her. (at least I hope she does) I have a friend whom I met at Fort Rucker. She was the very first wife I met, after that those were big shoes to fill. Anyhow, she is very well educated and intelligent. She's been studying and going through class after class to further her education to secure (I think a Masters degree). Neither here nor there, I think even she is aware that having 4 children and a husband deployed, she won't be working in that professional capacity anytime in the near future. BUT...and there is a big BUT. Something else she has amazing skills at...is CAKE. She started out making cakes for her families occasions and then graciously did cakes for the birthdays of her friends and their children (She did Alayna's 1st Birthday Cake, WOW!). Our close knit group of friends (and I'm sure many others at some point) had nudged a little bit for her to start a business. We thought she was just really talented when it came to cake!! Maybe it's because she's really sweet ;)
Well she is!! She hmm'd and hawwed over it and after moving to Fort Drum decided to open herself up to public orders. I was so proud of her and very excited to see what would be flying out of her kitchen! It may not be her Exalibur as far as goals but I sense she's very happy with all that she's accomplished thus far. Being able to have a job she enjoys, that she controls, that she can do in the comforts of home surrounded by her children, that can move with her and such. I mean really if delivering internationally wouldn't be so expensive and well... almost impossible for cake...I'd be one of her VIP customers!! (in the top 5 along with a little Italian firecracker who lives for her cake)
She is definitely one of the prime examples of going with what you've got!! One of my heroes for sure. She supports her husband with every ounce of her being and fulfills herself in the ways she can "in the now".
My dream is to be a midwife or pharmacist (or both!) however schooling is the issue at hand now. So...I study a little on my own, keep up with my Pharmacy Technician Certification because I know one day it'll be my turn to have the reigns to go after my Excalibur! In the meantime there are small non-profit dreams that I'm trying to set out after. Learning how to play guitar (which Miss Cake does ALSO!), crochet beanie hats for preemies and become fluent in American Sign Language.
I don't think I should have to wait until retirement to enjoy these things. Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and raising a child, which is my #1 priority but at the end of the day I'm still "me". I have thoughts and hopes that aren't encompassed around potty training, bathtime, storytime and all. There is no room at the Inn, in this case, the German Kindergarten in my town. They can only take 12 children ages 1-3. 12!! They are full up. And since the community offsets some of the cost, you can only reap those benefits in your town of residence. I can try a town over here or there and IF they have the room and will take her, I have to pay the entire amount. In Euro. Have you seen the exchange rate?! So in reality, she's at home, with me for now. Which means I'll do what I can, when I can. It sucks at times but I fully understand I chose to be a SAHM as well as the wife of a soldier.
Don't give up the part of you that can dream the little dreams while you stand by his side. You're so much more than a trophy ;) You can make a difference, no matter where you are, no matter who you are.
So for you, is it bike riding long distances? Playing in some sort of sport league? Sewing? writing? Caking? Building Bird Feeders? Becoming a tattoo artist?
I'm not waiting anymore!! Neither should you.
Afterthoughts:
Now someone start an in home daycare so I can bring my child! (lol) kidding!
The HeyTell App for iPhone is totally AWESOME!!!
I'm really craving some cake now.
There is absolutely nothing sweeter in life than seeing your little girl love gently on her sleeping daddy. Rubbing his head and talking softly to him. Then just simply wedging herself bewteen him and the back of the couch and watching Bambi. :)
Recipe will be attached to next post...stay tuned!
Buhhhbye for now!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Odd Blog...?
Been a few days but I have not abandoned thee!
I had a pretty stellar weekend if I may say so! Friday we just hung out here at the house as a family. Red did some cleaning, I nursed a migraine and Alayna was a great lil toddler. We watched Avatar: The Last Airbender and I'm going to give it 4 out of 5 stars. It was pretty darn good! I had watched some of the cartoon series with my little brother last year so kinda knew the basis for the movie. Hope they come out with the next installment soon.
Saturday we ventured to the pools and had a blast. Adam was totally disappointed when I snuck past the wading pool with one of the yummiest things I've had lately...a fresh donut with creme filling! He thought I could resist? c'mon!!! I did my little workout in the pool. I'm not completely guilt free but it was a fair trade I think. So I just pointed my nose in the air in his general direction and kept walking. hehe.
That night I went to Tippy's house for a "Stitch and "Bitch" with the whiskey girls. We had a little wine, some desserts and lots of juicy stories. I was way too uptight to knit since I tried it a few times and found there was nowhere to put stitches! They were SOOO tight! So I drank another glass of wine, sat back, sold out and broke out the crochet stuff. ;) I'll try knitting again as I wouldn't mind doing both! It was such a great thing for me to get a night "in" so to speak, with the girls to just hang out, learn something new and chit chat. I'm hearing it'll be a once monthly deal, I'm down!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking I have TOO many irons in the fire right now. I'm too scatterbrained and know better than to take on too much all at once because I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down. Really it all comes down to lack of energy and days clear of fibro fog. Ugh. For the past few weeks I find myself wanting to go to bed as early as I can manage and get up as late as Alayna will sleep in. Napping has been a pretty regular thing to. I'm starting to come to grips with the "why" of it all.... pain. Whether dull or excrutiating, I always feel like crap. I hurt, all over and sometimes don't understand how it's even possible to hurt on a daily basis for this long... and when I sleep, I don't hurt. If I dream I'm able to do whatever I want to do without thinking about pain or trying to shove it down. I run, climb, heck maybe I'd even fight someone. And effortlessly with no consequense. In reality I have to be concious of everything I do and how it will effect me later. Not only because I have things that have to get done, but I have a 2 year old who still solely depends on me for everything.
And BAM, as soon as my eyes open, the very thing of any 5 senses I experience is, pain. Sometimes I dream that if I was put into a medically induced coma for any period of time, maybe my body would really reboot and I'd wake up normal again. The old me. Like instead of writing this, I really want to put the laptop down and go to sleep. I could be out in 5 minutes. It's a very overwhelming temptation. I almost can't fight it and some days I don't bother trying. I take enough B vitamins to kill a horse and stay away from caffeine. Not much seems to help most days. It is what it is. And I only do what I can do.
(UPDATE: after I wrote that paragraph I put the laptop down which I don't remember and next thing I know, Red is waking me up! I fell asleep and didn't even realize it! I was only out for 20 minutes but I was that sleepy.)
My sister mentioned something to me about maybe having low iron levels. I've been lazy about taking my daily vitamin so I jumped back on that and added in an iron supplement. It's been 2 days and seems to be helping a little BUT I know it takes a while to build your iron levels back up so I'll give it a week. If things aren't better I'm dragging myself to the doctor for bloodwork. Something has to give here.
I'm almost angry at myself for sleeping in and taking naps. I am literally sleeping my life away and that's just stupid. But would you believe me if I told you I can't help it?
I really have tried getting up at 7:30 in the morning (before Alayna) and staying up no matter what. I'm absolutely miserable and physically can't focus on anything. I fall asleep if I even sit down. So, my main goal is to get my energy back. I need it for so many things. Exercise, house chores, hobbies, showering... Doing things with friends and with my kiddo. And my poor husband, well, we won't go there. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. I don't know who else could handle me.
Okay so enough ranting. I truly did have a pretty awesome weekend (when I was awake). I hope we'll be planning our next 4day weekend here soon. I want to go camping! So I'm praying for some decent weather and getting back on the ball.
Happy Hump Day Everyone!
I had a pretty stellar weekend if I may say so! Friday we just hung out here at the house as a family. Red did some cleaning, I nursed a migraine and Alayna was a great lil toddler. We watched Avatar: The Last Airbender and I'm going to give it 4 out of 5 stars. It was pretty darn good! I had watched some of the cartoon series with my little brother last year so kinda knew the basis for the movie. Hope they come out with the next installment soon.
Saturday we ventured to the pools and had a blast. Adam was totally disappointed when I snuck past the wading pool with one of the yummiest things I've had lately...a fresh donut with creme filling! He thought I could resist? c'mon!!! I did my little workout in the pool. I'm not completely guilt free but it was a fair trade I think. So I just pointed my nose in the air in his general direction and kept walking. hehe.
That night I went to Tippy's house for a "Stitch and "Bitch" with the whiskey girls. We had a little wine, some desserts and lots of juicy stories. I was way too uptight to knit since I tried it a few times and found there was nowhere to put stitches! They were SOOO tight! So I drank another glass of wine, sat back, sold out and broke out the crochet stuff. ;) I'll try knitting again as I wouldn't mind doing both! It was such a great thing for me to get a night "in" so to speak, with the girls to just hang out, learn something new and chit chat. I'm hearing it'll be a once monthly deal, I'm down!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking I have TOO many irons in the fire right now. I'm too scatterbrained and know better than to take on too much all at once because I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down. Really it all comes down to lack of energy and days clear of fibro fog. Ugh. For the past few weeks I find myself wanting to go to bed as early as I can manage and get up as late as Alayna will sleep in. Napping has been a pretty regular thing to. I'm starting to come to grips with the "why" of it all.... pain. Whether dull or excrutiating, I always feel like crap. I hurt, all over and sometimes don't understand how it's even possible to hurt on a daily basis for this long... and when I sleep, I don't hurt. If I dream I'm able to do whatever I want to do without thinking about pain or trying to shove it down. I run, climb, heck maybe I'd even fight someone. And effortlessly with no consequense. In reality I have to be concious of everything I do and how it will effect me later. Not only because I have things that have to get done, but I have a 2 year old who still solely depends on me for everything.
And BAM, as soon as my eyes open, the very thing of any 5 senses I experience is, pain. Sometimes I dream that if I was put into a medically induced coma for any period of time, maybe my body would really reboot and I'd wake up normal again. The old me. Like instead of writing this, I really want to put the laptop down and go to sleep. I could be out in 5 minutes. It's a very overwhelming temptation. I almost can't fight it and some days I don't bother trying. I take enough B vitamins to kill a horse and stay away from caffeine. Not much seems to help most days. It is what it is. And I only do what I can do.
(UPDATE: after I wrote that paragraph I put the laptop down which I don't remember and next thing I know, Red is waking me up! I fell asleep and didn't even realize it! I was only out for 20 minutes but I was that sleepy.)
My sister mentioned something to me about maybe having low iron levels. I've been lazy about taking my daily vitamin so I jumped back on that and added in an iron supplement. It's been 2 days and seems to be helping a little BUT I know it takes a while to build your iron levels back up so I'll give it a week. If things aren't better I'm dragging myself to the doctor for bloodwork. Something has to give here.
I'm almost angry at myself for sleeping in and taking naps. I am literally sleeping my life away and that's just stupid. But would you believe me if I told you I can't help it?
I really have tried getting up at 7:30 in the morning (before Alayna) and staying up no matter what. I'm absolutely miserable and physically can't focus on anything. I fall asleep if I even sit down. So, my main goal is to get my energy back. I need it for so many things. Exercise, house chores, hobbies, showering... Doing things with friends and with my kiddo. And my poor husband, well, we won't go there. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. I don't know who else could handle me.
Okay so enough ranting. I truly did have a pretty awesome weekend (when I was awake). I hope we'll be planning our next 4day weekend here soon. I want to go camping! So I'm praying for some decent weather and getting back on the ball.
Happy Hump Day Everyone!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Hobbies for HeARTwork
Hey Hobby Lobby! :D
My relationship with the crochet hook is getting less awkward. I find myself more than determined to learn this. It's all super confusing, "I don't see where one stitch ends and the other begins!?" All the jargon, loopy dee loop, where do I hold my hands? Umm is my pinky supposed to get a cramp? I didn't even know that was possible!
I am holding steadfast to my mission. Baby Beanies. I can't get them off my mind. One nurse changed the way I look at beanies, forever. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you but there is a bit of back story so you can see the big picture.
I was wisked into the O.R. at about 7:30am on April 11th 2009, it was an emergency situation... My baby girl was bleeding because my placenta tore away from my uterus. It only takes 2.3 ounces of blood loss for a full term baby to die. My baby was coming 7 weeks too soon. My spinal didn't take fast enough for me to stay awake for the c-section. I heard the doctor say something about beginning at blah blah blah...and then I felt the incredible burn and piercing pain beyond imagination and with one scream, I heard "Special K" and saw WHITE.
They had her out in 7 minutes flat. I was experiencing severe reactions of my own so I didn't have the capacity to worry about my baby. She was in capable hands I had to be sure. But I needed to stay alive. I didn't even know how serious the situation was until the doctor told me and my momma had to put it in perspective. I was in denial about the whole thing.
My miracle. 4 lbs 8 ounces, 17 1/2 inches long. (2 hematacrit points short of needing a blood transfusion. Praise God!)
I was wheeled by the nursery on the way to my recovery room so I was told, I don't remember that. The first time I know I "saw" my baby was the day after she was born. She couldn't be with me because she was under an "Oxy hood" and I was in a semi-comatosed state on a 24 hour magnesium drip to keep me from having seizures.
When Red wheeled me down to the nursery for the first time (still super fuzzy headed), I saw her through the glass first and waited to be buzzed into the nursery. He parked me right by her warming bed and I didn't know what to do. She was so tiny, helpless...not ready. All I could do was touch her feet and sob as I apologized over and over again for letting her down. The "bubble" over her head was all fogged up so I couldn't even see her face. I asked the nurse if she could fix it or take it off for a minute so I could see my daughters face for the first time. I needed to see something other than a bundle of wires and leads on a tiny, still body. She was beautiful. I wanted so badly so grab her up in my arms but I was too scared to even ask. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear how fragile she was. Since they weren't equipped with nasal canulas and had No NICU, I couldn't hold her. They didn't seem to give much weight to it either...like it wasn't a big deal. The attitude was "you'll get to hold her when you get to hold her and we can't say when that'll be". Did they have any idea how traumatized I was? How guilty I felt? How empty I felt. I had no baby in my womb and no baby in my arms. They treated her as if she didn't even belong to me. How inhuman.
Over the course of the next day I was unaware of all the buzzing going on around me between my mom, Red and his mom (who was an L&D nurse for quite some time). They were discussing the welfare of the baby. When I was finally coming out of the magnesium haze I sat in the rocking chair in my room to eat. My mom came to me and knelt down in front of me, put both her hands on me and in the most loving and supportive way possible, crushed my world. I know it killed her have to tell me that everyone (except the pediatrician overseeing her care) felt Alayna needed to be transported to the nearest NICU (which was over an hour away). She knew how fragile I was. I started to have a panic attack. I can't even have her in my room or hold her and now you want me to send her an hour away? Tears came uncontrollably. My mommy held me and assured me that it was a hard decision that HAD to be made for my baby. My first hard thing as a mommy. So I of course agreed. But there was NO way I was staying in that hospital. If my baby was leaving, so was I.
An ambulance and NICU transport team was on their way from Montgomery for my baby. I had to get blood tests done and sign paperwork releasing myself against medical advice since I was supposed to stay another day. I dreaded every moment that ticked by because it was one closer until I had to send my baby away with strangers.
The time came and the head NICU nurse came in to talk to me about the baby. I learned more about what was going on with her in that 20 minutes than in the entire 2 days of her short life. Shortly after she was finished two men wheeled the transport incubator into my room so that I could see her before she left. (I'm choking back tears typing this) I sat on the couch, frozen. The machine was massive. Lights and cords and things beeping. Encapsulated inside was my tiny little girl. She was crying...I started sobbing. My momma had her arm around me and said "Jenny, honey, go to her. It's okay baby, touch her" So I hobbled up to the isolette and rubbed her little arm as she lay there crying with tiny "meows" is what it sounded like to me. Not even a baby cry. My mama to me "Talk to her honey, let her hear your voice" I just didn't know what to do, what do I say? "It's going to be okay?" Was it? I wasn't going to lie to her. I wasn't okay... How could anyone who's just been gutted like a fish and alienated from her newborn be okay with this....
The nurses and driving team reassured me that they would care for her as the precious cargo she was. And they did something for me that impacted me in a way I couldn't understand but it was oh so momentum-changing. They had placed on her tiny little head, a crocheted pink soft baby beanie hat. NOW she looked like a baby to me. This hospital kept her naked surrounded by wires and plastic and nothing else. But these nurses...humanized her. Put something soft and hand made on her little body to comfort her. I didn't realize it at the time but it was a priceless gift. They would be different to my baby.
Since it was late at night when she left, my mama told me it would be best to go home and get some good sleep in my own bed and she promised she'd take me first thing in the morning up to the NICU. There wasn't much I could do that night even though every cell in me wanted to meet or even beat her there. I went home, slept a little, cried a lot, felt numb.
The drive to the NICU seemed to take forever!!! I think that first day I had them take me up in a wheelchair. I had to wait for the nurses to change shifts before I could be let back to see her. When I arrived in her room, I had to scrub in and put on a horrible yellow gown. (I understand the purpose but it was still yet another barrier between me and the precious life that was part of me just a few days before. I beheld a totally different environment.
She was all cozied up on her tummy with a little rice pillow sock wrapped around her to make her feel secure. She had a beautiful card with her name on it. This was "her" special place. Lots of colorful receiving blankets lined her bed. She had a pacifier nearby. I could see her face. She was sleeping peacefully. I was too scared of the let down so my mom took the reigns and asked the nurse if she knew when I might be able to hold her because I hadn't yet. The nurse was flabergasted!! "She hasn't HELD that baby?!?!" My heart started pounding as I heard her say she just needed to check Alayna's body temperature and as long as it was all right, she'd wrap her up and give her to me. I said "really? I can hold her!?" She said "Oh my honey, of course, she's YOUR baby!" Wow. I wanted to bawl. "My Baby". Finally someone in charge recognized me as her mother. That she needed me, and I her. That first time I held her I could barely contain myself. I struggled to keep from shaking her from breaking down in sobs. I can't describe that feeling. I was holding my soul outside my body. She's here in my arms. Thank God for my mommy, coaching my through this because I just didn't know how to act or what to do. I felt silly talking to her and I have no idea why. In the video she was taking she tells me (again) "talk to her sweetie". Never has my mom had to coax me to talk!!!
But from Saturday to Monday she was having to remind me to talk to my baby. Maybe I just wanted to hold her and hope she had ESP and knew how I felt. Or I was afraid as soon as I opened my mouth to get a word out I'd just start sobbing again. I still felt guilty, all the cords she had to be attached to. She wasn't able to nurse because she wasn't strong enough. Not ready to be here. But she was in good hands. When my mom told me she felt peace about her now being in a NICU and where she belongs, it made me feel better. I was actually able to "mother" her there. Change her diapers, hold her, feed her, bathe her.
But the jist of all this was the small but enormous gesture shown when she was taken from me, as a baby, not a specimen. That little cap, I'm so attached to it. I'll never forget it. It was made by a woman in a church group of ladies who sit around at meetings crocheting for the babies in the NICU. Sending little prayers with each creation. So I know what I have to do. What I want to do. Humanize those tiny little lives. comfort the parents who are tortured and traumatized inside by the ordeal of seeing their baby in a NICU instead of in a bassinet at home. So this is my mission.
A small one but it may mean the world to one mom, like it did to me. If I can do that for one, it'll all be worth it!!
My relationship with the crochet hook is getting less awkward. I find myself more than determined to learn this. It's all super confusing, "I don't see where one stitch ends and the other begins!?" All the jargon, loopy dee loop, where do I hold my hands? Umm is my pinky supposed to get a cramp? I didn't even know that was possible!
I am holding steadfast to my mission. Baby Beanies. I can't get them off my mind. One nurse changed the way I look at beanies, forever. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you but there is a bit of back story so you can see the big picture.
I was wisked into the O.R. at about 7:30am on April 11th 2009, it was an emergency situation... My baby girl was bleeding because my placenta tore away from my uterus. It only takes 2.3 ounces of blood loss for a full term baby to die. My baby was coming 7 weeks too soon. My spinal didn't take fast enough for me to stay awake for the c-section. I heard the doctor say something about beginning at blah blah blah...and then I felt the incredible burn and piercing pain beyond imagination and with one scream, I heard "Special K" and saw WHITE.
They had her out in 7 minutes flat. I was experiencing severe reactions of my own so I didn't have the capacity to worry about my baby. She was in capable hands I had to be sure. But I needed to stay alive. I didn't even know how serious the situation was until the doctor told me and my momma had to put it in perspective. I was in denial about the whole thing.
My miracle. 4 lbs 8 ounces, 17 1/2 inches long. (2 hematacrit points short of needing a blood transfusion. Praise God!)
I was wheeled by the nursery on the way to my recovery room so I was told, I don't remember that. The first time I know I "saw" my baby was the day after she was born. She couldn't be with me because she was under an "Oxy hood" and I was in a semi-comatosed state on a 24 hour magnesium drip to keep me from having seizures.
When Red wheeled me down to the nursery for the first time (still super fuzzy headed), I saw her through the glass first and waited to be buzzed into the nursery. He parked me right by her warming bed and I didn't know what to do. She was so tiny, helpless...not ready. All I could do was touch her feet and sob as I apologized over and over again for letting her down. The "bubble" over her head was all fogged up so I couldn't even see her face. I asked the nurse if she could fix it or take it off for a minute so I could see my daughters face for the first time. I needed to see something other than a bundle of wires and leads on a tiny, still body. She was beautiful. I wanted so badly so grab her up in my arms but I was too scared to even ask. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear how fragile she was. Since they weren't equipped with nasal canulas and had No NICU, I couldn't hold her. They didn't seem to give much weight to it either...like it wasn't a big deal. The attitude was "you'll get to hold her when you get to hold her and we can't say when that'll be". Did they have any idea how traumatized I was? How guilty I felt? How empty I felt. I had no baby in my womb and no baby in my arms. They treated her as if she didn't even belong to me. How inhuman.
Over the course of the next day I was unaware of all the buzzing going on around me between my mom, Red and his mom (who was an L&D nurse for quite some time). They were discussing the welfare of the baby. When I was finally coming out of the magnesium haze I sat in the rocking chair in my room to eat. My mom came to me and knelt down in front of me, put both her hands on me and in the most loving and supportive way possible, crushed my world. I know it killed her have to tell me that everyone (except the pediatrician overseeing her care) felt Alayna needed to be transported to the nearest NICU (which was over an hour away). She knew how fragile I was. I started to have a panic attack. I can't even have her in my room or hold her and now you want me to send her an hour away? Tears came uncontrollably. My mommy held me and assured me that it was a hard decision that HAD to be made for my baby. My first hard thing as a mommy. So I of course agreed. But there was NO way I was staying in that hospital. If my baby was leaving, so was I.
An ambulance and NICU transport team was on their way from Montgomery for my baby. I had to get blood tests done and sign paperwork releasing myself against medical advice since I was supposed to stay another day. I dreaded every moment that ticked by because it was one closer until I had to send my baby away with strangers.
The time came and the head NICU nurse came in to talk to me about the baby. I learned more about what was going on with her in that 20 minutes than in the entire 2 days of her short life. Shortly after she was finished two men wheeled the transport incubator into my room so that I could see her before she left. (I'm choking back tears typing this) I sat on the couch, frozen. The machine was massive. Lights and cords and things beeping. Encapsulated inside was my tiny little girl. She was crying...I started sobbing. My momma had her arm around me and said "Jenny, honey, go to her. It's okay baby, touch her" So I hobbled up to the isolette and rubbed her little arm as she lay there crying with tiny "meows" is what it sounded like to me. Not even a baby cry. My mama to me "Talk to her honey, let her hear your voice" I just didn't know what to do, what do I say? "It's going to be okay?" Was it? I wasn't going to lie to her. I wasn't okay... How could anyone who's just been gutted like a fish and alienated from her newborn be okay with this....
The nurses and driving team reassured me that they would care for her as the precious cargo she was. And they did something for me that impacted me in a way I couldn't understand but it was oh so momentum-changing. They had placed on her tiny little head, a crocheted pink soft baby beanie hat. NOW she looked like a baby to me. This hospital kept her naked surrounded by wires and plastic and nothing else. But these nurses...humanized her. Put something soft and hand made on her little body to comfort her. I didn't realize it at the time but it was a priceless gift. They would be different to my baby.
Since it was late at night when she left, my mama told me it would be best to go home and get some good sleep in my own bed and she promised she'd take me first thing in the morning up to the NICU. There wasn't much I could do that night even though every cell in me wanted to meet or even beat her there. I went home, slept a little, cried a lot, felt numb.
The drive to the NICU seemed to take forever!!! I think that first day I had them take me up in a wheelchair. I had to wait for the nurses to change shifts before I could be let back to see her. When I arrived in her room, I had to scrub in and put on a horrible yellow gown. (I understand the purpose but it was still yet another barrier between me and the precious life that was part of me just a few days before. I beheld a totally different environment.
She was all cozied up on her tummy with a little rice pillow sock wrapped around her to make her feel secure. She had a beautiful card with her name on it. This was "her" special place. Lots of colorful receiving blankets lined her bed. She had a pacifier nearby. I could see her face. She was sleeping peacefully. I was too scared of the let down so my mom took the reigns and asked the nurse if she knew when I might be able to hold her because I hadn't yet. The nurse was flabergasted!! "She hasn't HELD that baby?!?!" My heart started pounding as I heard her say she just needed to check Alayna's body temperature and as long as it was all right, she'd wrap her up and give her to me. I said "really? I can hold her!?" She said "Oh my honey, of course, she's YOUR baby!" Wow. I wanted to bawl. "My Baby". Finally someone in charge recognized me as her mother. That she needed me, and I her. That first time I held her I could barely contain myself. I struggled to keep from shaking her from breaking down in sobs. I can't describe that feeling. I was holding my soul outside my body. She's here in my arms. Thank God for my mommy, coaching my through this because I just didn't know how to act or what to do. I felt silly talking to her and I have no idea why. In the video she was taking she tells me (again) "talk to her sweetie". Never has my mom had to coax me to talk!!!
But from Saturday to Monday she was having to remind me to talk to my baby. Maybe I just wanted to hold her and hope she had ESP and knew how I felt. Or I was afraid as soon as I opened my mouth to get a word out I'd just start sobbing again. I still felt guilty, all the cords she had to be attached to. She wasn't able to nurse because she wasn't strong enough. Not ready to be here. But she was in good hands. When my mom told me she felt peace about her now being in a NICU and where she belongs, it made me feel better. I was actually able to "mother" her there. Change her diapers, hold her, feed her, bathe her.
But the jist of all this was the small but enormous gesture shown when she was taken from me, as a baby, not a specimen. That little cap, I'm so attached to it. I'll never forget it. It was made by a woman in a church group of ladies who sit around at meetings crocheting for the babies in the NICU. Sending little prayers with each creation. So I know what I have to do. What I want to do. Humanize those tiny little lives. comfort the parents who are tortured and traumatized inside by the ordeal of seeing their baby in a NICU instead of in a bassinet at home. So this is my mission.
A small one but it may mean the world to one mom, like it did to me. If I can do that for one, it'll all be worth it!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Birth of a BESST friend...a tribute
What is a Bestfriend? Let me see if I can gather a definition.
Ahh here we are:
Noun
best friend (plural best friends)
1.An especially close and trusted friend
Seriously? Is that the best we can do? I totally understand when it comes to the dictionary, it has to be short and make the point clear but I'd say this is rather vague. Maybe it's just my idea of friendship to begin with because I don't know about you but I trust all my friends. I don't tend to hang with those who are untrustworthy. Let me show you MY definition of "best friend".
I am especially close with quite a few gals. But there is a one. The one.
Tried, tested, true. Years and years of ups, downs and all arounds. Like a chicken on a junebug, you can't shake 'em off!!
But I have this ONE. With all the friendships I've had throughout the 27 years I've been on this planet never did I think I'd be gifted a friendship such as this. It was something I'd only heard about, dreamed of. Yet meanwhile over the years I've been stabbed in the back, gossiped about, lied to, trampled on and plain ole left in the dust. It happens. Those are fleeting friendships. The ones that teach us what best-friendship ISN'T.
Ain't she Purty??
Only SHE could've taught me what bestfriendship IS. It does exist. And God brought us together. It all started with a dog. I can get into that later but I want to discuss my life now having had a BESSt Friend. It is the person whom I am certain God placed in a different family because He knew one set of parents couldn't handle us both!! I don't think either of us thought when we met that our bond would've ever blossomed into what it is today. If I don't hear her voice, after a few days I get cranky and really just homesick. I go through withdrawals sometimes. I really do.
Winter 2005
She has been there, everywhere I have been. From Chicago to Alabama and anywhere in between. Her time, money and energy have been lovingly invested in me. ME. Not because I have anything I can give her, but just because I'm me. She was with me before the pain, with me in the long journey to discover what it was and supported me every step. Coached me into taking care of myself no matter what that meant. So what if I had to quit working full time? Another doctor? Suck it up and go get looked at! She remembers (probably vaguely now, what the pain free me was like)
She was there for me through a difficult time (luckily short) in my marriage. Rejoiced when everything healed and we moved happily along. From Chicago, her house was always the halfway and resting point on the way to my family in North Carolina. I always had a place to stay. Whether it be 6 hours or 6 days. Didn't matter. Her home is my home, she's always made me feel that way and for some reason I've always felt THAT way. (you know how sometimes no matter how laid back a host is you still feel like a guest?) Nope, not there. I cook there, clean there. I've never felt more like I belong. (With anyone besides my blood family) Hell I've even rearranged some things and helped her decorate a nursery.
That's the next thing. Wow. I don't want to go into stories because this is about the definition of a best friend. But this is important. It's part of the core.
I had been trying SO hard for a baby for over a year...She couldn't understand the longing because she herself didn't have it at that time and didn't know when and if she would. Then she got pregnant. By surprise. I'm not sure if she was nervous or apprehensive about telling me. She gave me a little runaround hint that she needed me to be available around the beginning of November (2007). To visit them. 3 of them. (the wheels were turning but I was coming up dry) Then she said it. And I froze up inside. Totally numb. I didn't know what to say or do. I was in denial and thought she was joking. Nope this was for real. I wanted to crawl under the table. I felt SO guilty because I loved her but the first thing my heart felt was sadness, emptiness and anger. "Why her? She wasn't even planning on having children at least not anytime soon!!" I hugged her and totally faked the Oh how exciting! deal, found a reason to go to "my" room. Put my face in the pillow and cried. I was crying for two reasons, I was genuinely guilty about the first reason for my crying, I was bitter, it wasn't fair. How and why could I not be truly happy for her even though I'm hurting so bad? After a few days I sat down and talked to her about how I was feeling. I expected her to be disappointed in me and upset. (understandably so) But she wasn't.
She didn't judge me one iota. It was then on I knew I'd be able to go to her with ANYTHING. She was unsure about how she felt about becoming a mom when she found out and she admitted she couldn't imagine the heartache it must be causing me. Whoa. She made me a big part of her pregnancy and also somehow knew when to lay off a little about the baby stuff (mainly when I'd had another let down ie a negative pregnancy test) I was eventually truly excited for her pending adventure and helped her prepare for the little guys arrival. And I was there for his arrival!
She gave the offer to carry my dream for me if I couldn't, and she'd make it come true. That was the most selfless and loving gift I'll never need to receive. But it's treasured deeply.
Winter 2010
Okay so enough with the stories, we have too many. Back to what this friendship is like. She can push me up a mountain and talk me down off a cliff. Call me out on my bullshit and slap some sense into me. And I know she means the best for me. I have as many letters filled with loving words from her as I do from my husband. Actually we've been together as long as I've been married!! (We really started the ball rolling on being friends a week after my wedding) So I celebrate 2 Anniversaries in September!
She gets my humor, understands my scatterbraindedness (like the spelling? ha!). We were raised differently but have the same core values. Even though we are very different, we are very much alike. We bask in each others uniqueness. We both believe even though we know each other so well, we'll ALWAYS have something new to learn from one another. She is the strength to my weakness. Much the way Adam is, just at a different capacity. Men can't understand everything about us after all.
She trusts me with her very life and the lives of her children. I'd trust her with mine. I have a key to her house. Even though she'll deny it, she's unintentionally waiting for the elderly man that owns the property next door and across the street to pass on so she can swipe it up for a place to build me a house. OR she's scheming a way to acquire the 30 acres behind her house so we can start our own compound!! LOL
I have held her in my arms on the cold kitchen floor as she sobbed and tears ran down my blouse. She has listened to me cry over the phone for an hour about how I didn't think I could live with Fibromyalgia anymore. AFTER I was done, she gave me back all the reasons I could. We developed a trust in each other with our vulnerability.
She was there along with my family for the unexpected emergency of the premature birth of my daughter. And held my hand and helped pick up the pieces through the trauma that followed for months afterward. She gives me hope, joy and about 700 reasons to laugh. Whether with her or AT her. She doesn't mind.
When she is around I feel like my world is complete. Hugging her is like getting a grasp of part of my soul that just occupies another body. Sometimes we complete each other's thoughts. It's so hard to explain, but it's all too easy with her. And when it's rough, it's fine because one of us seems to stay afloat long enough to pull the other to shore. She will bow up, throw down, kick ass and take names on my behalf. And do it with a smile on her face. Together we will conquer the world. Hopefully leave it better than when we came in. I can't wait to be gray haired with her and reminiscing over years of memories, Lessons learned and drinking Sun Tea on the porch watching our grandchildren play together. I vow to always be there for her. She is my rock and I know in my heart SHE'LL always be there. Whatever it takes.
We have become family. Somehow, 7 years, 6 dogs, 3 moves, 3 kids later...we are a family. Even with an ocean in between.
She knows I will make mistakes and witness hers. She inspires me. She's my Hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. We have had to face some pretty tough things in our lives over the last 7 years. The winds have blown us in many directions and tried to blow us down. We have proved we can weather the storms. I can't speak for her but I know my foundation couldn't stand without hers.
God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. That's why He didn't give me a life without her. I couldn't handle that.
I have SO many people to thank for this lifetime gift. God, her mother, my mother, the Army, a little dog named Ivan. But above all I have to thank her. For being my friend. Opening her heart and letting me in. All in.
I love you BESS, my BESSt friend.... Thank you.
Ahh here we are:
Noun
best friend (plural best friends)
1.An especially close and trusted friend
Seriously? Is that the best we can do? I totally understand when it comes to the dictionary, it has to be short and make the point clear but I'd say this is rather vague. Maybe it's just my idea of friendship to begin with because I don't know about you but I trust all my friends. I don't tend to hang with those who are untrustworthy. Let me show you MY definition of "best friend".
I am especially close with quite a few gals. But there is a one. The one.
Tried, tested, true. Years and years of ups, downs and all arounds. Like a chicken on a junebug, you can't shake 'em off!!
But I have this ONE. With all the friendships I've had throughout the 27 years I've been on this planet never did I think I'd be gifted a friendship such as this. It was something I'd only heard about, dreamed of. Yet meanwhile over the years I've been stabbed in the back, gossiped about, lied to, trampled on and plain ole left in the dust. It happens. Those are fleeting friendships. The ones that teach us what best-friendship ISN'T.
Ain't she Purty??
Only SHE could've taught me what bestfriendship IS. It does exist. And God brought us together. It all started with a dog. I can get into that later but I want to discuss my life now having had a BESSt Friend. It is the person whom I am certain God placed in a different family because He knew one set of parents couldn't handle us both!! I don't think either of us thought when we met that our bond would've ever blossomed into what it is today. If I don't hear her voice, after a few days I get cranky and really just homesick. I go through withdrawals sometimes. I really do.
Winter 2005
She has been there, everywhere I have been. From Chicago to Alabama and anywhere in between. Her time, money and energy have been lovingly invested in me. ME. Not because I have anything I can give her, but just because I'm me. She was with me before the pain, with me in the long journey to discover what it was and supported me every step. Coached me into taking care of myself no matter what that meant. So what if I had to quit working full time? Another doctor? Suck it up and go get looked at! She remembers (probably vaguely now, what the pain free me was like)
She was there for me through a difficult time (luckily short) in my marriage. Rejoiced when everything healed and we moved happily along. From Chicago, her house was always the halfway and resting point on the way to my family in North Carolina. I always had a place to stay. Whether it be 6 hours or 6 days. Didn't matter. Her home is my home, she's always made me feel that way and for some reason I've always felt THAT way. (you know how sometimes no matter how laid back a host is you still feel like a guest?) Nope, not there. I cook there, clean there. I've never felt more like I belong. (With anyone besides my blood family) Hell I've even rearranged some things and helped her decorate a nursery.
That's the next thing. Wow. I don't want to go into stories because this is about the definition of a best friend. But this is important. It's part of the core.
I had been trying SO hard for a baby for over a year...She couldn't understand the longing because she herself didn't have it at that time and didn't know when and if she would. Then she got pregnant. By surprise. I'm not sure if she was nervous or apprehensive about telling me. She gave me a little runaround hint that she needed me to be available around the beginning of November (2007). To visit them. 3 of them. (the wheels were turning but I was coming up dry) Then she said it. And I froze up inside. Totally numb. I didn't know what to say or do. I was in denial and thought she was joking. Nope this was for real. I wanted to crawl under the table. I felt SO guilty because I loved her but the first thing my heart felt was sadness, emptiness and anger. "Why her? She wasn't even planning on having children at least not anytime soon!!" I hugged her and totally faked the Oh how exciting! deal, found a reason to go to "my" room. Put my face in the pillow and cried. I was crying for two reasons, I was genuinely guilty about the first reason for my crying, I was bitter, it wasn't fair. How and why could I not be truly happy for her even though I'm hurting so bad? After a few days I sat down and talked to her about how I was feeling. I expected her to be disappointed in me and upset. (understandably so) But she wasn't.
She didn't judge me one iota. It was then on I knew I'd be able to go to her with ANYTHING. She was unsure about how she felt about becoming a mom when she found out and she admitted she couldn't imagine the heartache it must be causing me. Whoa. She made me a big part of her pregnancy and also somehow knew when to lay off a little about the baby stuff (mainly when I'd had another let down ie a negative pregnancy test) I was eventually truly excited for her pending adventure and helped her prepare for the little guys arrival. And I was there for his arrival!
She gave the offer to carry my dream for me if I couldn't, and she'd make it come true. That was the most selfless and loving gift I'll never need to receive. But it's treasured deeply.
Winter 2010
Okay so enough with the stories, we have too many. Back to what this friendship is like. She can push me up a mountain and talk me down off a cliff. Call me out on my bullshit and slap some sense into me. And I know she means the best for me. I have as many letters filled with loving words from her as I do from my husband. Actually we've been together as long as I've been married!! (We really started the ball rolling on being friends a week after my wedding) So I celebrate 2 Anniversaries in September!
She gets my humor, understands my scatterbraindedness (like the spelling? ha!). We were raised differently but have the same core values. Even though we are very different, we are very much alike. We bask in each others uniqueness. We both believe even though we know each other so well, we'll ALWAYS have something new to learn from one another. She is the strength to my weakness. Much the way Adam is, just at a different capacity. Men can't understand everything about us after all.
She trusts me with her very life and the lives of her children. I'd trust her with mine. I have a key to her house. Even though she'll deny it, she's unintentionally waiting for the elderly man that owns the property next door and across the street to pass on so she can swipe it up for a place to build me a house. OR she's scheming a way to acquire the 30 acres behind her house so we can start our own compound!! LOL
I have held her in my arms on the cold kitchen floor as she sobbed and tears ran down my blouse. She has listened to me cry over the phone for an hour about how I didn't think I could live with Fibromyalgia anymore. AFTER I was done, she gave me back all the reasons I could. We developed a trust in each other with our vulnerability.
She was there along with my family for the unexpected emergency of the premature birth of my daughter. And held my hand and helped pick up the pieces through the trauma that followed for months afterward. She gives me hope, joy and about 700 reasons to laugh. Whether with her or AT her. She doesn't mind.
When she is around I feel like my world is complete. Hugging her is like getting a grasp of part of my soul that just occupies another body. Sometimes we complete each other's thoughts. It's so hard to explain, but it's all too easy with her. And when it's rough, it's fine because one of us seems to stay afloat long enough to pull the other to shore. She will bow up, throw down, kick ass and take names on my behalf. And do it with a smile on her face. Together we will conquer the world. Hopefully leave it better than when we came in. I can't wait to be gray haired with her and reminiscing over years of memories, Lessons learned and drinking Sun Tea on the porch watching our grandchildren play together. I vow to always be there for her. She is my rock and I know in my heart SHE'LL always be there. Whatever it takes.
We have become family. Somehow, 7 years, 6 dogs, 3 moves, 3 kids later...we are a family. Even with an ocean in between.
She knows I will make mistakes and witness hers. She inspires me. She's my Hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. We have had to face some pretty tough things in our lives over the last 7 years. The winds have blown us in many directions and tried to blow us down. We have proved we can weather the storms. I can't speak for her but I know my foundation couldn't stand without hers.
God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. That's why He didn't give me a life without her. I couldn't handle that.
I have SO many people to thank for this lifetime gift. God, her mother, my mother, the Army, a little dog named Ivan. But above all I have to thank her. For being my friend. Opening her heart and letting me in. All in.
I love you BESS, my BESSt friend.... Thank you.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Enjoyed it thinking of you.
Holy Blog Batman! What a weekend! We enjoyed it together thinking of you, in honor of all those who are missing someone special. For those departed and those deployed...we did NOT take this weekend for granted. You were in our hearts. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Let me tell you, now that the weather is warming things are getting fun. There are people everywhere and the atmosphere just seems to be more friendly with all the sunshine everyone is soaking up.
The little guys are in t-ball and baseball, friends are working their yards and gardens. Camping, swimming, picnicking all seem to lace everyone's blogs. It's great to see. We had our first amusement park adventure as a family unit! And had the awesome company of friends of ours "the Bees". I refer to them as such because they are a crew and always on the go go go. We just can't keep up. If the Energizer bunny had a family then they'd be the Energizers. One wonders (me mostly) how you can relax and really take in all the experience when there is so much "fly by the seat of your pants" and going from point A to B to C to home in like 48 hours... And with 2 kids no less!! Crrrrazy!
The amusement park called "Movie Park" is about a 4 hour drive from our home. We left earrrly Saturday morning (pulling out at 6:15am) to head out there. Played and romped hardcore until about 7pm (Roller coasters, little trains, kid rides, cotton candy, corny shows, walking and more walking, river rides and a bippity boppity barf type ride. It was AWESOME!!!) Alayna even got to ride her first bigtime kiddo roller coaster that's a mini of the big thrillers! She was such a champ! Daddy doesn't do Roller Coasters so us girls got to have all the fun :)
Disclaimer: I am in NO way stating that my husband is afraid of rides in any way, shape or form... He just...doesn't get any enjoyment from them at all...? :D
Awesome! It didn't show the last leg of the ride (It goes 3 times!)
Drove 30 minutes to our hotel, check in took more than 20 minutes b/c of our utter chaos and the guys being down in the parking garage where there is no cell service to be had. Who knew you needed a Passport # to stay in a hotel room? Hello? We are already IN your country! ha!
After we got our rooms and freshened up, three breaths later we were all silently contemplating just trying to order a pizza from, well, anywhere and not leaving the rooms! But we sucked it up and met in the lobby to walk to dinner. The restaurant at the hotel wanted a kidney donation for a dinner (per person). The kids were beat, we were beat and didn't even realize that most of us burned slightly and to different degrees. All of us but OREO. Damn Milatos. heehee.
We ate at an Italian joint just around the corner, ate half "out of it" wrestling kiddos that had had enough for the day. The big day hit us all at once! The 5 year old fell asleep on OREOS lap before the food arrived and he woke long enough to eat then pass out again. He even slept through DESSERT!! YEAH! I wouldn't have believed it either. The food was pretty darn delish!!
I thought Alayna would crash out as soon as her head hit the pillow back at the hotel room. I stuffed her full of spaghetti, cleaned her up, jammied her and rocked her a little. She was SO tired and running on fumes but man, her fumes are lethal. She did not give it up, I almost had to get mean just to get her to sit still enough for a minute to realize that she wanted to sleep. After almost an hour it went from flailing, laughing and squeals to hard breathing and baby snores.
I slept like a ROCK until...about quarter to 5 when I woke up with a volcano in my chest. (it is true what they say about what goes around) I was making jokes at OREO during dinner about carrying Tums in her day bag, "baha you are such an old lady! Tums? really? LOL" Well guess who was eating crow to try and extinguish the fire before sunrise?? yeah...that's right. I was seriously going to text her and ask her if she could slip some under the door. But I know I'd be hard tempted to strangle someone for wakin' me at 5 or even worse, waking my kids! So...I just drank a whole gullet of water and propped myself up a little bit. It worked okay, I don't remember falling back asleep but at about 9:30 I woke again to find my hubby MIA and my girly still racked out! It was nice to lay there in the dim lit room and just think for a few minutes.
My knight in shining armor returned swiftly with breakfast and a kiss. I gently started to wake Alayna since it was well after 10am. She ate a ton here and there while wreaking havoc in the hotel room, giggling, ruffling curtains, opening drawers, picking up the phone and calling whoever struck her little mind. All in all she drove me bonkers but I gave it permission to exist since no rooms bordered ours and it was just about 10:45. I had to get myself in gear and get us ready to head out.
The ride home was nice and uneventful. We snacked on some German junk food and chatted it up while Alayna watched a movie. Upon pulling into the driveway she was falling sleep, sweet! Perfect Timing! I smooched her up one side and down the other and laid her bed. Then I went into my room to "read" and...crashed out!
Today we ventured back to Aquella and surprise Alayna with some pool time. Took our bikes along for some lunch and riding around downtown Ansbach. It was a gorgeous day!! The little girly and I shared a yummy Banana Split Sundae and fed some pigeons a wafer cookie. Wanna keep a toddler busy? Give her a cracker and a bird ;)
We ended the afternoon with a 30 Euro parking ticket. Yippee! I got a 5 Euro perking ticket last Wednesday for being 15 minutes late getting back to the car in Bad Windsheim.
I sure wish every day could be Memorial Day. There are so many that need to be remembered for their sacrifice and heroic actions. So many families with a hole that need our love and support. And so many men and women out there right now putting their lives in harms way to preserve the precious rights and freedoms we sometimes take for granted that NEED our prayers. And of course the ones that DID come home and survived the unimaginable that now harbor dark dreams and depression, those that have life altering injuries. They need to be thought of as well. Don't they need our appreciation? To let them know we can't have ANYTHING we have without them? That they have shown us great love, not even knowing who were are? For those who have served in the past, now in the present and who will serve in the future...I love you, I appreciate EVERY thing you do and I thank God for creating that fire in you that calls you to protect and defend. Thank you. Bless you and your loved ones. May God guide your path, angels guard it and lead you home, safe, healthy and happy.
You are America, America is you. Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus for the Red, White and Blue!!! :)
Afterthoughts:
I need some feedback on the expansion and development of my blog! I'm trying to get into a routine but finding the process a tad rocky. Since cooking is a passion of mine, I was thinking of putting up a Recipe or link to a recipe with every post. One I plan to try or one that's tried and true to share with all of you! What do you think?
What's up Blogger? Why can't I post my pictures?? grf, I'll deal with you later. I'm going to bed!
Let me tell you, now that the weather is warming things are getting fun. There are people everywhere and the atmosphere just seems to be more friendly with all the sunshine everyone is soaking up.
The little guys are in t-ball and baseball, friends are working their yards and gardens. Camping, swimming, picnicking all seem to lace everyone's blogs. It's great to see. We had our first amusement park adventure as a family unit! And had the awesome company of friends of ours "the Bees". I refer to them as such because they are a crew and always on the go go go. We just can't keep up. If the Energizer bunny had a family then they'd be the Energizers. One wonders (me mostly) how you can relax and really take in all the experience when there is so much "fly by the seat of your pants" and going from point A to B to C to home in like 48 hours... And with 2 kids no less!! Crrrrazy!
The amusement park called "Movie Park" is about a 4 hour drive from our home. We left earrrly Saturday morning (pulling out at 6:15am) to head out there. Played and romped hardcore until about 7pm (Roller coasters, little trains, kid rides, cotton candy, corny shows, walking and more walking, river rides and a bippity boppity barf type ride. It was AWESOME!!!) Alayna even got to ride her first bigtime kiddo roller coaster that's a mini of the big thrillers! She was such a champ! Daddy doesn't do Roller Coasters so us girls got to have all the fun :)
Disclaimer: I am in NO way stating that my husband is afraid of rides in any way, shape or form... He just...doesn't get any enjoyment from them at all...? :D
Awesome! It didn't show the last leg of the ride (It goes 3 times!)
Drove 30 minutes to our hotel, check in took more than 20 minutes b/c of our utter chaos and the guys being down in the parking garage where there is no cell service to be had. Who knew you needed a Passport # to stay in a hotel room? Hello? We are already IN your country! ha!
After we got our rooms and freshened up, three breaths later we were all silently contemplating just trying to order a pizza from, well, anywhere and not leaving the rooms! But we sucked it up and met in the lobby to walk to dinner. The restaurant at the hotel wanted a kidney donation for a dinner (per person). The kids were beat, we were beat and didn't even realize that most of us burned slightly and to different degrees. All of us but OREO. Damn Milatos. heehee.
We ate at an Italian joint just around the corner, ate half "out of it" wrestling kiddos that had had enough for the day. The big day hit us all at once! The 5 year old fell asleep on OREOS lap before the food arrived and he woke long enough to eat then pass out again. He even slept through DESSERT!! YEAH! I wouldn't have believed it either. The food was pretty darn delish!!
I thought Alayna would crash out as soon as her head hit the pillow back at the hotel room. I stuffed her full of spaghetti, cleaned her up, jammied her and rocked her a little. She was SO tired and running on fumes but man, her fumes are lethal. She did not give it up, I almost had to get mean just to get her to sit still enough for a minute to realize that she wanted to sleep. After almost an hour it went from flailing, laughing and squeals to hard breathing and baby snores.
I slept like a ROCK until...about quarter to 5 when I woke up with a volcano in my chest. (it is true what they say about what goes around) I was making jokes at OREO during dinner about carrying Tums in her day bag, "baha you are such an old lady! Tums? really? LOL" Well guess who was eating crow to try and extinguish the fire before sunrise?? yeah...that's right. I was seriously going to text her and ask her if she could slip some under the door. But I know I'd be hard tempted to strangle someone for wakin' me at 5 or even worse, waking my kids! So...I just drank a whole gullet of water and propped myself up a little bit. It worked okay, I don't remember falling back asleep but at about 9:30 I woke again to find my hubby MIA and my girly still racked out! It was nice to lay there in the dim lit room and just think for a few minutes.
My knight in shining armor returned swiftly with breakfast and a kiss. I gently started to wake Alayna since it was well after 10am. She ate a ton here and there while wreaking havoc in the hotel room, giggling, ruffling curtains, opening drawers, picking up the phone and calling whoever struck her little mind. All in all she drove me bonkers but I gave it permission to exist since no rooms bordered ours and it was just about 10:45. I had to get myself in gear and get us ready to head out.
The ride home was nice and uneventful. We snacked on some German junk food and chatted it up while Alayna watched a movie. Upon pulling into the driveway she was falling sleep, sweet! Perfect Timing! I smooched her up one side and down the other and laid her bed. Then I went into my room to "read" and...crashed out!
Today we ventured back to Aquella and surprise Alayna with some pool time. Took our bikes along for some lunch and riding around downtown Ansbach. It was a gorgeous day!! The little girly and I shared a yummy Banana Split Sundae and fed some pigeons a wafer cookie. Wanna keep a toddler busy? Give her a cracker and a bird ;)
We ended the afternoon with a 30 Euro parking ticket. Yippee! I got a 5 Euro perking ticket last Wednesday for being 15 minutes late getting back to the car in Bad Windsheim.
I sure wish every day could be Memorial Day. There are so many that need to be remembered for their sacrifice and heroic actions. So many families with a hole that need our love and support. And so many men and women out there right now putting their lives in harms way to preserve the precious rights and freedoms we sometimes take for granted that NEED our prayers. And of course the ones that DID come home and survived the unimaginable that now harbor dark dreams and depression, those that have life altering injuries. They need to be thought of as well. Don't they need our appreciation? To let them know we can't have ANYTHING we have without them? That they have shown us great love, not even knowing who were are? For those who have served in the past, now in the present and who will serve in the future...I love you, I appreciate EVERY thing you do and I thank God for creating that fire in you that calls you to protect and defend. Thank you. Bless you and your loved ones. May God guide your path, angels guard it and lead you home, safe, healthy and happy.
You are America, America is you. Hallelujah, Thank you Jesus for the Red, White and Blue!!! :)
Afterthoughts:
I need some feedback on the expansion and development of my blog! I'm trying to get into a routine but finding the process a tad rocky. Since cooking is a passion of mine, I was thinking of putting up a Recipe or link to a recipe with every post. One I plan to try or one that's tried and true to share with all of you! What do you think?
What's up Blogger? Why can't I post my pictures?? grf, I'll deal with you later. I'm going to bed!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Don't Just Stand There!
Hey All my super awesome friends and foes! Now that I have everyone's attention,Let me tell you about some ups and woes.
I've come to the conclusion that the only way to combat the negative things in my life and my own personal hell of dealing with a chronic disease, is having "more sunshine" in my life. Whether it be in the form of good deeds (which I try to do anyway but I need to get off my rump and do MORE) or Surrounding myself with positive people so that hopefully I can selfishly feed off that to keep going and be positive myself. Yes I'll always have the valleys where I cry and pity myself half to death but I'm going to try different outlets to express it. Like here. But I'll put a warning on it in advance :)
This week has been great for a lot of reasons. I decided to delete my all too nerve splitting post about Mandatory Army Fun for a few reasons, ALL being MY own, just so we're clear. It wasn't to recant feelings or admit I was wrong in anyway for expressing my feelings in the appropriate venue, which is my blog (public diary essentially). Inappropriate would be spray painting it on the outside wall of the Hangar on post. *giggle* Maybe I thought about it...
I realized that the negativity would only spread rumors about ME and my intentions about what I wrote. The guys are communicating more now and things are starting to settle down in the office. Call it a blessing in disguise or what you will. I think it also gave me a chance to grow in "my blogging", friendships and in general as a military wife. So I was grateful for the the upheaval.
My heart needed to reach out to the one I hurt the most by all of this so I set out at the beginning of the week to extend a small gesture. Let her know I was thinking of her feelings and that I still loved her as a friend. I dropped a wrapped bouquet of flowers at her doorstep with no expectations. It was sincere and it was all about making her day a little brighter. I know with some space and time to reflect, that our friendship can heal to some degree. I have faith. Even as hurt as she may have been, I know she has a huge heart. I don't believe it has the capacity to shut me out and write me off completely. I will never give up on anybody so long as I feel ANY reason not to. And this is definitely one of those situations. Besides, we are a LOT more alike than either of us may fully understand.
I'm finding "my place" here in Germany I think. It's sort of feeling like home...it's only taken a YEAR!! But hey, good things are worth the wait. I've decided to start new hobbies that I have been thinking (and running my mouth) about FOREVER. One including this very blog (Thanks Tippy!) and crocheting (again, thanks Tippy for getting me off my lazy fanny!) She's so great. Learning to play guitar is the other one I'm really excited but SUPER intimidated by. I am praying I have what it takes and that I won't get discouraged too easily.
Something else I need to get off my fanny about is Mother's Day. Yep. We are on the cusp of JUNE here! I'm an awesome daughter and such that my gifts are still incomplete and sitting on the counter to be mailed. (Sorry Mommy and Nana!)
I DID however manage to get Alayna's Godmother "Maymie", for the purposes of this blog, her very first Mother's Day gift (since she doesn't have human children of her own)It was from a gifting website and once I saw it, I knew it was the right thing for her from us. It's a purse mirror with her name engraved on it. I chose this because everytime she looks into it we want her to see the beautiful person, inside and out, that we love and miss SOO much!! Of course that's what I put in the card too. heehee. Cheeseball! But meant every word. She IS truly a gift from God and was sent to us at the PERFECT TIME. We could not imagine our lives without her and her hubby. Red and I thought we'd never be able to choose her Godparents, both Mother and Father in the same household and that were the closest match to us and how we would raise her should anything happen to both of us. I also didn't think we'd AGREE if either of us did have a choice in mind. But on a long car ride one day I brought it up and before the words came out of my mouth, Red completed my sentence and we both smiled and knew instantly that it was a "God thing" and Oh so meant to be. We prayed, God delivered.
While we are on the subject of Mothers....and mothering. Sigh. It's time to try again at the whole "potty" thing. I'm really tired of the poopy picassos during naptime. Albeit my daughter is creative and I think it's a surprise for me... Alayna, honey, Mommy's favorite part of the day does NOT including washing poop out of your diaper AND off the walls, crib, you, etc... So stay tuned for this adventure which is going to begin again in a week or so. I'll need lots of determination. And maybe some stiff drinks ;) Time to say Bye Bye Diatees!!
New Happenings:
Alayna got her first haircut last week!! Cute little girl bangs. Time to throw
a rock on her head.
We are hitting up our first German Amusement Park tomorrow! I'm excited to scarf some food and get some thrills...I LOVE me some roller coasters!!
Found out that we LOVE the indoor water pool/park in Ansbach and ALayna is half fish. She hates to be held, just put on the swim wings and she's like "Let me GO!!" Brave little stinker! She happiest in the water and that brings us pure joy!
Noteworthy Observations:
The weather needs to make up it's mind. It's literally been HOT and COLD!! 85 degrees yesterday. 61 today... really?
The smell of grilled ribeye steak NEVER gets old....EVER.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Be safe, and remember to remember those who gave their lives for us!!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Water, water everywhere...
Good Morning Blog! Happy Monday, It's a new week and I'm going to stay afloat!
It was a very interesting weekend to say the least. Mostly about water...and being in it...
I landed in hot water at the start of the weekend with some over my last blog post. Who'd have thought I was so important? Surely not me! Anyway, I was honest, frustrated and outspoken about it. I fear I may have lost someone dear to me but that was the unintentional price I paid. Some people have a very hard time with criticism and it pains me to think that they feel my opinions are super-personal or permanent for that matter. I'm not the only one who has hurt someone with a blog post in recent weeks. That fallout didn't flood the valley like mine did. Thank God. Hopefully time will heal these things and with more posts people will get a glimpse of the real me. Instead of feeding off speculation and rumor. And I want everyone to know I appreciate the support I've received over the last few days. Thank you.
Saturday we took LaynaLoo to Aquella in Ansbach, an indoor water park of sorts. It's small and only has one big slide but it was BIG fun!! I wonder why humans love water so much and being in it? Maybe it's because we are made up of mostly water? Or that we start out our very lives IN water in the womb? hmm. Well Alayna loves it. The smiles and giggles were priceless as daddy flung her around the wave pool. I wish I would've had a waterproof camera! We will be frequenting this place :)
You know who hates water? My Hurricane "Ivan" the terrible. He's a Manchester terrier (everyone thinks he's a min-pin) and he just turned 7 years old the beginning of this month! I can hardly believe it. He is still the stubborn, entitled child he's always been. A veritable crotch hobbit, High energy and a HUGE pig. He will literally eat himself sick, trust me, we've tried it. Well he hates getting a bath. To stand outside the door you'd think we were dismembering him alive starting with his toes. But after all the trauma, Red always wraps him up swaddled in a towel like a baby and holds him for a while on the couch. It's pretty pitiful looking. He gets a treat, shakes off and goes about his day terrorizing the neighborhood and scavenging for crumbs.
Yesterday we acquired a small miracle...a sitter!! ha! Red and I went out to the Franken-therme in Bad Windsheim for the afternoon. I highly recommend it! We definitely don't take for granted the time we get to spend alone. It's priceless. Probably because it's so rare. I undoubtedly still have a major crush on him. Yep, even after almost 9 years together.
We linked our legs together to make a human raft and float in the Salzsee for a bit then I dragged him ashore to collect some salt and give his back a nice rub down. We hopped from pool to pool of different salt concentrations and temperatures. The place is ginormous, there were steam rooms we discovered this time that we didn't even know they had! Aromatherapy steam rooms are very relaxing. Everyone just kind of does their own thing. There were no slots available for a couples massage so we thought we'd head over to the "other side" of the complex, that is nude. I NEVER in a million lifetimes thought I'd be able to overcome my shyness, self conciousness and modesty to go nude in public. But after a few minutes of being in the area in my robe, I realized that it's not a big deal over here and people aren't even concerned with you. Sure there are passing or accidental glances but it's only because it's not "normal" to be naked around everyone. Although I will say this time I almost didn't think I could go nude because I has this overwhelming feeling that someone Adam worked with was going to be there. I got over it. Red and I wanted to go outside to the salt pools and so I could lay out in the sun. But a horrible storm hit as we were walking that way we saw everyone running in. Naked people scurrying everywhere, LOL. To wait out the rain we ordered some cappocinnos and a little dessert to share and sat comfy in our robes and just enjoying each others company. It was heavenly.
We hopped from the ice room to the saunas and I quickly discovered I'm not cut out for anything over 65 degrees Celsius. I tried sitting in the panoramic sauna which is over 90-110 degrees celsius(it's huge and one wall is glass with a view of the outdoor nude area) yeah...I lasted about 2 minutes before I felt I was suffocating. My "fight or flight" reflex kicked in. I grabbed up robe and told Adam I'd wait outside for him. The bubbly pool was warm enough to enjoy so we lounged and swam in there for a bit. Skinny dipping (or in my case "chunky dunkin") is so liberating. It feels fantastic and natural. I didn't have time to lay out in the sun and the breeze was a little to chilly so I hopped into a Solarium (German for Tanning bed) and almost burnt myself. We showered together, gathered our things and I headed to the vanity area to blowdry my hair and primp. I left there feeling like a million bucks. Hand in hand with my baby we strolled downtown Bad Windsheim for some take out. Had a drink at the Greek while waiting on our food, wow, how I wish we could do this more often. 5 hours flew by!! Just to share the experience I brought the sitter (who I don't have a nickname for yet) a gift certificate for the Franken-therme so she can drag her husband there. They've been here years and have never been! How is this possible?! She's expecting so I told her they need to absolutely go BEFORE baby gets here in November!
Oh and it turns out that someone that Adam works with WAS there while we were. He and his wife arrived about an hour and a half before we left...we must have kept missing each other or something, I don't know. LOL.
Came back home, down from cloud 9 but to cloud 10 where an excited little girl awaited us. It's good for us to get a break from the baby. It gives me a chance to miss her. And I get so happy when she runs up yellin "mama, mama!" to jump in my arms.
So as you can see I spent pretty much the whole weekend in water. From metaphorical water to rain, chlorine pools, salt pools, naked pools, sweating to death in saunas and showers. Wet and wild and so much fun!!
Noteworthy Observations:
Red really missed his recliner. Like REALLY missed it.
There is no way I can avoid Bromance at any duty station. So I just have to go with it.
He just leaves a string of broken hearts behind him.
Alayna is discovering how to re-enact. And it's awesome to watch. She's super smart and totally makes me laugh.
If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as heck don't deserve me at my best.
It was a very interesting weekend to say the least. Mostly about water...and being in it...
I landed in hot water at the start of the weekend with some over my last blog post. Who'd have thought I was so important? Surely not me! Anyway, I was honest, frustrated and outspoken about it. I fear I may have lost someone dear to me but that was the unintentional price I paid. Some people have a very hard time with criticism and it pains me to think that they feel my opinions are super-personal or permanent for that matter. I'm not the only one who has hurt someone with a blog post in recent weeks. That fallout didn't flood the valley like mine did. Thank God. Hopefully time will heal these things and with more posts people will get a glimpse of the real me. Instead of feeding off speculation and rumor. And I want everyone to know I appreciate the support I've received over the last few days. Thank you.
Saturday we took LaynaLoo to Aquella in Ansbach, an indoor water park of sorts. It's small and only has one big slide but it was BIG fun!! I wonder why humans love water so much and being in it? Maybe it's because we are made up of mostly water? Or that we start out our very lives IN water in the womb? hmm. Well Alayna loves it. The smiles and giggles were priceless as daddy flung her around the wave pool. I wish I would've had a waterproof camera! We will be frequenting this place :)
You know who hates water? My Hurricane "Ivan" the terrible. He's a Manchester terrier (everyone thinks he's a min-pin) and he just turned 7 years old the beginning of this month! I can hardly believe it. He is still the stubborn, entitled child he's always been. A veritable crotch hobbit, High energy and a HUGE pig. He will literally eat himself sick, trust me, we've tried it. Well he hates getting a bath. To stand outside the door you'd think we were dismembering him alive starting with his toes. But after all the trauma, Red always wraps him up swaddled in a towel like a baby and holds him for a while on the couch. It's pretty pitiful looking. He gets a treat, shakes off and goes about his day terrorizing the neighborhood and scavenging for crumbs.
Yesterday we acquired a small miracle...a sitter!! ha! Red and I went out to the Franken-therme in Bad Windsheim for the afternoon. I highly recommend it! We definitely don't take for granted the time we get to spend alone. It's priceless. Probably because it's so rare. I undoubtedly still have a major crush on him. Yep, even after almost 9 years together.
We linked our legs together to make a human raft and float in the Salzsee for a bit then I dragged him ashore to collect some salt and give his back a nice rub down. We hopped from pool to pool of different salt concentrations and temperatures. The place is ginormous, there were steam rooms we discovered this time that we didn't even know they had! Aromatherapy steam rooms are very relaxing. Everyone just kind of does their own thing. There were no slots available for a couples massage so we thought we'd head over to the "other side" of the complex, that is nude. I NEVER in a million lifetimes thought I'd be able to overcome my shyness, self conciousness and modesty to go nude in public. But after a few minutes of being in the area in my robe, I realized that it's not a big deal over here and people aren't even concerned with you. Sure there are passing or accidental glances but it's only because it's not "normal" to be naked around everyone. Although I will say this time I almost didn't think I could go nude because I has this overwhelming feeling that someone Adam worked with was going to be there. I got over it. Red and I wanted to go outside to the salt pools and so I could lay out in the sun. But a horrible storm hit as we were walking that way we saw everyone running in. Naked people scurrying everywhere, LOL. To wait out the rain we ordered some cappocinnos and a little dessert to share and sat comfy in our robes and just enjoying each others company. It was heavenly.
We hopped from the ice room to the saunas and I quickly discovered I'm not cut out for anything over 65 degrees Celsius. I tried sitting in the panoramic sauna which is over 90-110 degrees celsius(it's huge and one wall is glass with a view of the outdoor nude area) yeah...I lasted about 2 minutes before I felt I was suffocating. My "fight or flight" reflex kicked in. I grabbed up robe and told Adam I'd wait outside for him. The bubbly pool was warm enough to enjoy so we lounged and swam in there for a bit. Skinny dipping (or in my case "chunky dunkin") is so liberating. It feels fantastic and natural. I didn't have time to lay out in the sun and the breeze was a little to chilly so I hopped into a Solarium (German for Tanning bed) and almost burnt myself. We showered together, gathered our things and I headed to the vanity area to blowdry my hair and primp. I left there feeling like a million bucks. Hand in hand with my baby we strolled downtown Bad Windsheim for some take out. Had a drink at the Greek while waiting on our food, wow, how I wish we could do this more often. 5 hours flew by!! Just to share the experience I brought the sitter (who I don't have a nickname for yet) a gift certificate for the Franken-therme so she can drag her husband there. They've been here years and have never been! How is this possible?! She's expecting so I told her they need to absolutely go BEFORE baby gets here in November!
Oh and it turns out that someone that Adam works with WAS there while we were. He and his wife arrived about an hour and a half before we left...we must have kept missing each other or something, I don't know. LOL.
Came back home, down from cloud 9 but to cloud 10 where an excited little girl awaited us. It's good for us to get a break from the baby. It gives me a chance to miss her. And I get so happy when she runs up yellin "mama, mama!" to jump in my arms.
So as you can see I spent pretty much the whole weekend in water. From metaphorical water to rain, chlorine pools, salt pools, naked pools, sweating to death in saunas and showers. Wet and wild and so much fun!!
Noteworthy Observations:
Red really missed his recliner. Like REALLY missed it.
There is no way I can avoid Bromance at any duty station. So I just have to go with it.
He just leaves a string of broken hearts behind him.
Alayna is discovering how to re-enact. And it's awesome to watch. She's super smart and totally makes me laugh.
If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as heck don't deserve me at my best.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Friday the 13th
The skies are sunny today! I'm not sure if it's the atmosphere OR that having my best friend home from the field makes my world brighter. (literally!)
I've finally recovered from the awful experience that happened last Friday. I know it was last week but it is just a story I felt I needed to share. I'll try to make a long story short. (after writing the post, the previous statement is a fabrication, I did my best, but it's still long. I left out a few details but it's pretty much all there. Please Note: I said "try to")
After an action packed day of lunch, shopping for birthday gifts and spring clothes, we headed back to our abode. 5 minutes into the drive Alayna racked out in her carseat. When we pulled in the driveway I knew it had been just long enough that if I moved her to her bedroom she would've woken up and been cranky! I had things I had to get done during her nap, so I did what I've done several times since living out here. I parked the van in the shade. Opened the side and rear doors to the van, leaned her seat back and let her finish out her nap. It was 65 degrees and breezy. Gorgeous for sleeping outside (if only we had a futon). I unloaded the bags out of the car and into the house. I opened the windows so I could hear her if she woke up and called for me. Every 8-10 minutes I poked my head out the door to check and see her little bare feet hanging still. I want to say it was about 30 minutes total she was out there. In the kitchen I heard her little mumbly voice, time to go get the little peanut! Slipped on my pink crocs and headed outside. She was standing on the floor of the van in front of her carseat facing it. The second she caught sight of me she started screaming. So I hurried and grabbed her up, stunned she knew how to get out of her carseat. (or did I loosen it so she'd be comfy? I couldn't recall) I closed up the van and headed inside.
Changing her diaper upstairs I thought she was still in the process of waking up because she was rubbing her eyes and looking at me strangely. I talked to her for a little bit and right away I noticed something was wrong. Her eyes were vacant and eyelids were slightly drooping. She stared around her room in what I interpreted as amazement. Almost like she'd never been there before. Anyways, trying to put in the important details, she was acting scared of tile floors and everytime I tried to set her down she'd stumble around and fall on her bottom. Something was really off. In my mind, "This isn't my child! What on Earth happened during her nap?!" I didn't want to be alone. So I called ARMS and Princess Peach over to "observe" her with me. Is she partially blind? Is this one of the horror stories where a toddler just wakes up one day a different child and has autism? Inside I was freaking out. I was just desperate for her to snap out of it!!
Princess Peach had mentioned if maybe there was something in the van she could've gotten into? Cleaner, medicine? No. I was absolutely sure. Adam had cleaned out the van recently and I found her in front of her carseat so by all appearances and time, she had JUST woke up and got out. The girls left because she seemed to calm down a little bit and they both had things they had to get done at home. I understand they couldn't drop everything to come a stare at my kid. I saw them out and asked Alayna if she was hungry. Of course. She requested "Nummy" for dinner (oatmeal). Sure, why not? After 1 and 1/2 servings she was very quiet and still watching Stuart Little. In my eyes she looked like a tiny zombie. Something PP said about her getting into something in the van had me bothered. In the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't find anything but I went outside instead to just take a look and ease my mind.
Why are the front doors locked? I didn't lock the van. Hmm...after I opened the door I noticed there were coins in all the cupholders. So she WAS up front fiddling around! super. Man, my child is quick. So what else was she able to get her hands on that could create this mysterious zombie-like behavior? Hazard light button was pushed, napkins were pulled out of the glove box...okay cool, now I know she knows how to open that up. Better see what else is in there. I opened it and shuffled around through papers, lipgloss and such and it hits me. I think there may have been a pill sorter in here from last September when we went to Garmisch. But it's not in there. "Maybe I took in the house already." I kept looking around on the floor and in the seats and when I got to the driver's side door compartments I saw it. A 7 day pill case...with one little door open to it. Oh no... what was in this? Thinking back there were only 2 medications I had left by the end of that week. Singulair and Ambien. There were 2 Ambien. I know it. And here, there is 1. In the blink of an eye it all came crashing down on me: her being out of her carseat, the stumbling around, the fear of everything, the vacant zombie look...All signs she most definitely ingested Ambien...OH Shit!!! She's only 25 pounds! And this was over 2 and 1/2 hours ago!!
I darted in the house as fast as my legs would carry me, grabbed her in my arms ran upstairs to Google the number for poison control. Meanwhile I sit her on the bed next to me and pick up my phone to call a friend, I didn't want to do this by myself and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I quickly threw down a Klonopin so I wouldn't lose it completely. As I'm about to hang up with Tiffany to call the 24 hour nurse Alayna throws up ALL over my bed. I jumped up it startled me so bad. There was no warning anything like that was coming. She starts crying hysterically and I assure her everything's okay. I take her to the bathroom and strip her down. Clean her with a rag while I'm talking to the nurse. She's asking me all the questions "I know" she HAS to ask but I don't have time for all this!!! So I babbled off stuff as quickly as I could and then interrupted her and said "Look, I understand you're doing what you need to do by the book here. But if I'm SURE my 2 year old swallowed an Ambien over 2 hours ago do I need to get to an ER?!!" She said I'd be justified. So I hung up with her, took my naked child in to throw a diaper and some clothes on. By this time i'm lightly shaking, the adrenaline has me bad. My mind was reeling..I needed to get pants on, it's cold out and umm a bra! Grf!! Why can't there be 7 people here when stuff like this goes down? I lay her on the clean part of my bed and throw on what I can. Grab her an extra set of clothes and a blanket and haul buns back downstairs. I swiped my bottle of water on the way out the door.
I picked up Princess Peach and Luigi (it was his 5th bday btw and his party was the next morning. PERFECT TIMING right?) and put in the address for the hospital in Neustadt. Here we go. I didn't speed (much) but you better believe I wasn't in the mood or frame of mind to wait on anyone. About 7 minutes into the ride ALayna throws up again all over herself and the carseat. Starts crying of course. My sweet friend gets turned around to help clean her up and calm her down as I speed down a back road. I'm apologizing to Alayna and thanking Princess Peach for cleaning puke off my daughter. Something I don't know if I could've done had it not been my own child...I don't do well with vomit as a whole. It seemed like it took forever to make it to the hospital but finally we parked went inside. Met a nurse at the ER desk and she says to me "I don't know why you came here, we can't treat children this young." Umm, what?
Yeah. Apparently they have no clue what to do in this situation and she needed to be taken to the Children's Hospital. I wanted to explode. In my head, "Your a freakin' HOSPITAL! with and EMERGENCY Room!" So they tell me we can't drive there, Alayna has to be transported by ambulance. Been there before. Great. So....now what? I follow in the van? Then how do my comrades get home? If they take the van and I go in the ambulance for the ride...How do I get home? I had no Euro, no extra clothes, no nighttime meds. Okay, well ya gotta do what ya gotta do to survive I guess and Alaynas health was my #1 priority. Everything else just didn't matter. As they are gathering the crew for the transport the nurse advises me that if any situation like this arises again, Don't drive anywhere, call an ambulance and they'll take her to the Children's Hospital. Good to know. Those of you over here in Germany with children that small, take this as your heads up!
During the ride, which was quite long, Alayna was pretty hard to keep occupied. She went from zombie like to hyperdrive. And of course I don't think any child would feel warm and fuzzy strapped to a gurney riding backwards with strangers and lights shining in your face.
A couple of blown up gloves and an oral syringe later and she was pretty manageable. The Hospital they took us to was right outside Nurnberg in a town called Furth. Everybody seemed to be pretty chill at the whole situation. I had assumed by now they would've at least drawn blood or started IV fluids. After all, you can't go anywhere in the American Hospital system with something going in or coming out of your body via needle. They looked her over, checked her pupil responses and watched her walk around. We were being kept overnight for observation and they shuffled us right up to the pediatric floor for her age group. She had a crib and I had a bed. Ahh. A bed! Not a recliner or horrible plastic couch!
One thing I will say about German hospitals, they are very clean. Very accomodating. Apparently they strive to do things in the least invasive way possible. Which is great for me. That's how I prefer to do things when the circumstance permits. The nurse brought us juice and water and said we could get settled in to get some rest. By now it was about 11 at night. I was to call the nurse when Alayna fell asleep so she could come in and put the O2 Sat and Heart monitor lead on her toe. She had said she'd peak in from time to time in case I fell asleep too. Alayna fell asleep and I realized I had too, waiting for her to be all the way out. The nurse came in the a little flashlight, very quietly and uncovered Alayna's foot, put the lead on, covered her back up and silently left. Not disturbing anything or anyone. Nice. They don't come in the knocking, announcing themselves and turning on every light in the room to scare the daylights out of you after you fell asleep just 20 minutes ago! It's wonderful! SO tried to get some sleep and woke a few times. Alayna did really well. It was very quiet. In American Hospitals, all you here all night are clicks and beeps and people walking by talking loudly as they stroll the hallway at midnight.
I was able to call out to my Army fam about the situation with letting the dogs out in the morning and getting a ride home once we were released. When we were being kept overnight they told us we'd be released sometime midday. There was a birthday party going on for one of the little boys in our group of friends. I threw a monkey wrench into the whole thing! It seemed like everybody was everywhere!
Well in the morning Alayna woke up at 7 which is unlike her but it was a new place so, to be expected. I was a wreck and soooo tired! We both made it through the night though!! She was definitely My Alayna in morning. She pulled the lead off her toe straight away of course and the nurse came in a few minutes later and said since she was awake it was fine to be off. They had all they needed anyway. We were brought breakfast, an assortment of breads, soft pretzels with Nutella, jelly and butter. Hmm. Doesn't seem balanced to me but hey, Carbs will do!! :) The doctor came in to talk to us at about 9 am and she was very nice. Her English was great too. She said the medication would be pretty much out of her system by now. She advised us to come back right away if she got worse again or there were any new strange symptoms. Other than that, we were free to leave. Another awesome thing about German hospitals, no crazy long discharge process. So I called around and arranged a ride to come pick us up and take us home. Alayna laid down for a nap and so did I while we waited for my friend to get up to Furth. She had to first go and pick up Alayna's carseat which Princess Peach lovingly washed for me so Alayna wouldn't have to ride back in dried up vomit. The only negative things (in my eyes) about German hospitals is, there are no TVs and to Telephones in the rooms. Bed, table, bathroom. That's it. Keeping a 2 year old entertained with no toys and no TV was no easy task. Especially for my child. A spoon and a cup did okay for a while until she got sleepy. I myself was half asleep when Amanda called to tell me she was there at the hospital. It seemed like a looong ride home. I was so thankful to her because I was really glad I didn't have to drive. I had a dull headache and just needed to relax. And take my meds.
The "horrible mom" complex hadn't budged at all. I know people say these things happen and it could've been drain-o or a dishwashing tablet...But still it was ME who forgot about the medication in the glove box. It was ME who underestimated the skill and speed of my toddler. It IS ME who is responsible for her life. When we got home, we ate and slept off and on all day. That night she behaved really well so I could get some chores done around the house. I cleaned up the mess of my sheets and at that moment was really glad I decided to invest in the awesome waterproof sheet! So all the evidence of the ordeal was gone and washed away. I had "my child" back and she was okay by the grace of God. They did give Alayna the cutest teddy bear at the hospital as a token I guess. It had bandages on it's head and a sling on it's arm. Adorable little boo-boo bear! I'm going to write the date on it. LOL
That was my Friday the 13th.
The next morning you better believe I went over the cars and the entire first floor of the house with a fine tooth comb to check for anything she might possibly be able to get into. To my relief, I found nothing. But now I really do KNOW there is nothing. And there will be no more finishing naps in the car.
Afterthoughts about the whole thing:
Why the hell will my child swallow a yucky pill, lick chalk and paint with poo but she refuses to give broccoli a chance?
I'm really glad that a friend asked me about hazardous things in the car or else it may not have been bothering me enough later to go check it out.
Even though a horrible thing happened and I blamed myself, it was ME who knew my child well enough to know something was terribly wrong and not ignore it. So that made me feel a little better. It could've been worse. Rat poison and such...
Since when is 9am "midday"? lol. ;)
I have some really great friends here.
Lastly, I don't know who was traumatized more by this incident....myself or the child. (I'm leaning towards me)
Thanks for bearing with me for the long haul! I highly doubt future posts will ever be this long.
Tchuss!!
I've finally recovered from the awful experience that happened last Friday. I know it was last week but it is just a story I felt I needed to share. I'll try to make a long story short. (after writing the post, the previous statement is a fabrication, I did my best, but it's still long. I left out a few details but it's pretty much all there. Please Note: I said "try to")
After an action packed day of lunch, shopping for birthday gifts and spring clothes, we headed back to our abode. 5 minutes into the drive Alayna racked out in her carseat. When we pulled in the driveway I knew it had been just long enough that if I moved her to her bedroom she would've woken up and been cranky! I had things I had to get done during her nap, so I did what I've done several times since living out here. I parked the van in the shade. Opened the side and rear doors to the van, leaned her seat back and let her finish out her nap. It was 65 degrees and breezy. Gorgeous for sleeping outside (if only we had a futon). I unloaded the bags out of the car and into the house. I opened the windows so I could hear her if she woke up and called for me. Every 8-10 minutes I poked my head out the door to check and see her little bare feet hanging still. I want to say it was about 30 minutes total she was out there. In the kitchen I heard her little mumbly voice, time to go get the little peanut! Slipped on my pink crocs and headed outside. She was standing on the floor of the van in front of her carseat facing it. The second she caught sight of me she started screaming. So I hurried and grabbed her up, stunned she knew how to get out of her carseat. (or did I loosen it so she'd be comfy? I couldn't recall) I closed up the van and headed inside.
Changing her diaper upstairs I thought she was still in the process of waking up because she was rubbing her eyes and looking at me strangely. I talked to her for a little bit and right away I noticed something was wrong. Her eyes were vacant and eyelids were slightly drooping. She stared around her room in what I interpreted as amazement. Almost like she'd never been there before. Anyways, trying to put in the important details, she was acting scared of tile floors and everytime I tried to set her down she'd stumble around and fall on her bottom. Something was really off. In my mind, "This isn't my child! What on Earth happened during her nap?!" I didn't want to be alone. So I called ARMS and Princess Peach over to "observe" her with me. Is she partially blind? Is this one of the horror stories where a toddler just wakes up one day a different child and has autism? Inside I was freaking out. I was just desperate for her to snap out of it!!
Princess Peach had mentioned if maybe there was something in the van she could've gotten into? Cleaner, medicine? No. I was absolutely sure. Adam had cleaned out the van recently and I found her in front of her carseat so by all appearances and time, she had JUST woke up and got out. The girls left because she seemed to calm down a little bit and they both had things they had to get done at home. I understand they couldn't drop everything to come a stare at my kid. I saw them out and asked Alayna if she was hungry. Of course. She requested "Nummy" for dinner (oatmeal). Sure, why not? After 1 and 1/2 servings she was very quiet and still watching Stuart Little. In my eyes she looked like a tiny zombie. Something PP said about her getting into something in the van had me bothered. In the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't find anything but I went outside instead to just take a look and ease my mind.
Why are the front doors locked? I didn't lock the van. Hmm...after I opened the door I noticed there were coins in all the cupholders. So she WAS up front fiddling around! super. Man, my child is quick. So what else was she able to get her hands on that could create this mysterious zombie-like behavior? Hazard light button was pushed, napkins were pulled out of the glove box...okay cool, now I know she knows how to open that up. Better see what else is in there. I opened it and shuffled around through papers, lipgloss and such and it hits me. I think there may have been a pill sorter in here from last September when we went to Garmisch. But it's not in there. "Maybe I took in the house already." I kept looking around on the floor and in the seats and when I got to the driver's side door compartments I saw it. A 7 day pill case...with one little door open to it. Oh no... what was in this? Thinking back there were only 2 medications I had left by the end of that week. Singulair and Ambien. There were 2 Ambien. I know it. And here, there is 1. In the blink of an eye it all came crashing down on me: her being out of her carseat, the stumbling around, the fear of everything, the vacant zombie look...All signs she most definitely ingested Ambien...OH Shit!!! She's only 25 pounds! And this was over 2 and 1/2 hours ago!!
I darted in the house as fast as my legs would carry me, grabbed her in my arms ran upstairs to Google the number for poison control. Meanwhile I sit her on the bed next to me and pick up my phone to call a friend, I didn't want to do this by myself and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I quickly threw down a Klonopin so I wouldn't lose it completely. As I'm about to hang up with Tiffany to call the 24 hour nurse Alayna throws up ALL over my bed. I jumped up it startled me so bad. There was no warning anything like that was coming. She starts crying hysterically and I assure her everything's okay. I take her to the bathroom and strip her down. Clean her with a rag while I'm talking to the nurse. She's asking me all the questions "I know" she HAS to ask but I don't have time for all this!!! So I babbled off stuff as quickly as I could and then interrupted her and said "Look, I understand you're doing what you need to do by the book here. But if I'm SURE my 2 year old swallowed an Ambien over 2 hours ago do I need to get to an ER?!!" She said I'd be justified. So I hung up with her, took my naked child in to throw a diaper and some clothes on. By this time i'm lightly shaking, the adrenaline has me bad. My mind was reeling..I needed to get pants on, it's cold out and umm a bra! Grf!! Why can't there be 7 people here when stuff like this goes down? I lay her on the clean part of my bed and throw on what I can. Grab her an extra set of clothes and a blanket and haul buns back downstairs. I swiped my bottle of water on the way out the door.
I picked up Princess Peach and Luigi (it was his 5th bday btw and his party was the next morning. PERFECT TIMING right?) and put in the address for the hospital in Neustadt. Here we go. I didn't speed (much) but you better believe I wasn't in the mood or frame of mind to wait on anyone. About 7 minutes into the ride ALayna throws up again all over herself and the carseat. Starts crying of course. My sweet friend gets turned around to help clean her up and calm her down as I speed down a back road. I'm apologizing to Alayna and thanking Princess Peach for cleaning puke off my daughter. Something I don't know if I could've done had it not been my own child...I don't do well with vomit as a whole. It seemed like it took forever to make it to the hospital but finally we parked went inside. Met a nurse at the ER desk and she says to me "I don't know why you came here, we can't treat children this young." Umm, what?
Yeah. Apparently they have no clue what to do in this situation and she needed to be taken to the Children's Hospital. I wanted to explode. In my head, "Your a freakin' HOSPITAL! with and EMERGENCY Room!" So they tell me we can't drive there, Alayna has to be transported by ambulance. Been there before. Great. So....now what? I follow in the van? Then how do my comrades get home? If they take the van and I go in the ambulance for the ride...How do I get home? I had no Euro, no extra clothes, no nighttime meds. Okay, well ya gotta do what ya gotta do to survive I guess and Alaynas health was my #1 priority. Everything else just didn't matter. As they are gathering the crew for the transport the nurse advises me that if any situation like this arises again, Don't drive anywhere, call an ambulance and they'll take her to the Children's Hospital. Good to know. Those of you over here in Germany with children that small, take this as your heads up!
During the ride, which was quite long, Alayna was pretty hard to keep occupied. She went from zombie like to hyperdrive. And of course I don't think any child would feel warm and fuzzy strapped to a gurney riding backwards with strangers and lights shining in your face.
A couple of blown up gloves and an oral syringe later and she was pretty manageable. The Hospital they took us to was right outside Nurnberg in a town called Furth. Everybody seemed to be pretty chill at the whole situation. I had assumed by now they would've at least drawn blood or started IV fluids. After all, you can't go anywhere in the American Hospital system with something going in or coming out of your body via needle. They looked her over, checked her pupil responses and watched her walk around. We were being kept overnight for observation and they shuffled us right up to the pediatric floor for her age group. She had a crib and I had a bed. Ahh. A bed! Not a recliner or horrible plastic couch!
One thing I will say about German hospitals, they are very clean. Very accomodating. Apparently they strive to do things in the least invasive way possible. Which is great for me. That's how I prefer to do things when the circumstance permits. The nurse brought us juice and water and said we could get settled in to get some rest. By now it was about 11 at night. I was to call the nurse when Alayna fell asleep so she could come in and put the O2 Sat and Heart monitor lead on her toe. She had said she'd peak in from time to time in case I fell asleep too. Alayna fell asleep and I realized I had too, waiting for her to be all the way out. The nurse came in the a little flashlight, very quietly and uncovered Alayna's foot, put the lead on, covered her back up and silently left. Not disturbing anything or anyone. Nice. They don't come in the knocking, announcing themselves and turning on every light in the room to scare the daylights out of you after you fell asleep just 20 minutes ago! It's wonderful! SO tried to get some sleep and woke a few times. Alayna did really well. It was very quiet. In American Hospitals, all you here all night are clicks and beeps and people walking by talking loudly as they stroll the hallway at midnight.
I was able to call out to my Army fam about the situation with letting the dogs out in the morning and getting a ride home once we were released. When we were being kept overnight they told us we'd be released sometime midday. There was a birthday party going on for one of the little boys in our group of friends. I threw a monkey wrench into the whole thing! It seemed like everybody was everywhere!
Well in the morning Alayna woke up at 7 which is unlike her but it was a new place so, to be expected. I was a wreck and soooo tired! We both made it through the night though!! She was definitely My Alayna in morning. She pulled the lead off her toe straight away of course and the nurse came in a few minutes later and said since she was awake it was fine to be off. They had all they needed anyway. We were brought breakfast, an assortment of breads, soft pretzels with Nutella, jelly and butter. Hmm. Doesn't seem balanced to me but hey, Carbs will do!! :) The doctor came in to talk to us at about 9 am and she was very nice. Her English was great too. She said the medication would be pretty much out of her system by now. She advised us to come back right away if she got worse again or there were any new strange symptoms. Other than that, we were free to leave. Another awesome thing about German hospitals, no crazy long discharge process. So I called around and arranged a ride to come pick us up and take us home. Alayna laid down for a nap and so did I while we waited for my friend to get up to Furth. She had to first go and pick up Alayna's carseat which Princess Peach lovingly washed for me so Alayna wouldn't have to ride back in dried up vomit. The only negative things (in my eyes) about German hospitals is, there are no TVs and to Telephones in the rooms. Bed, table, bathroom. That's it. Keeping a 2 year old entertained with no toys and no TV was no easy task. Especially for my child. A spoon and a cup did okay for a while until she got sleepy. I myself was half asleep when Amanda called to tell me she was there at the hospital. It seemed like a looong ride home. I was so thankful to her because I was really glad I didn't have to drive. I had a dull headache and just needed to relax. And take my meds.
The "horrible mom" complex hadn't budged at all. I know people say these things happen and it could've been drain-o or a dishwashing tablet...But still it was ME who forgot about the medication in the glove box. It was ME who underestimated the skill and speed of my toddler. It IS ME who is responsible for her life. When we got home, we ate and slept off and on all day. That night she behaved really well so I could get some chores done around the house. I cleaned up the mess of my sheets and at that moment was really glad I decided to invest in the awesome waterproof sheet! So all the evidence of the ordeal was gone and washed away. I had "my child" back and she was okay by the grace of God. They did give Alayna the cutest teddy bear at the hospital as a token I guess. It had bandages on it's head and a sling on it's arm. Adorable little boo-boo bear! I'm going to write the date on it. LOL
That was my Friday the 13th.
The next morning you better believe I went over the cars and the entire first floor of the house with a fine tooth comb to check for anything she might possibly be able to get into. To my relief, I found nothing. But now I really do KNOW there is nothing. And there will be no more finishing naps in the car.
Afterthoughts about the whole thing:
Why the hell will my child swallow a yucky pill, lick chalk and paint with poo but she refuses to give broccoli a chance?
I'm really glad that a friend asked me about hazardous things in the car or else it may not have been bothering me enough later to go check it out.
Even though a horrible thing happened and I blamed myself, it was ME who knew my child well enough to know something was terribly wrong and not ignore it. So that made me feel a little better. It could've been worse. Rat poison and such...
Since when is 9am "midday"? lol. ;)
I have some really great friends here.
Lastly, I don't know who was traumatized more by this incident....myself or the child. (I'm leaning towards me)
Thanks for bearing with me for the long haul! I highly doubt future posts will ever be this long.
Tchuss!!
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