Howdy folks!!
The weather here in Germany is like a pregnant lady in a blizzard...can't decide if she's burnin' up or cold. And it changes about every 15 minutes.
Lately I've been busying myself with to do list since the days recently have been better as far as my Fibromyalgia is concerned. I'm still working with sleepiness issues but hey, I'll take what I can get and be grateful.
My first Egg is getting Alayna enrolled into our town's Kindergarten. She'll be starting September 13th and they'll put her in the 1-2.5 year old class!! The more I hear about this program the more I love it. I know I want to homeschool when we get back to the states but as for now Alayna needs to be socializing with kids her age and learning to let others besides me take care of her. She freaks out lately if there is any interaction in which I'm not involved. Heartwarming but also as most mothers know...frustrating!
I get to choose her hours that she attends and even the amount of days. They get Bible study lessons and I'm sure she'll also pick up some Deustche as well. A tri-lingual kid, could you imagine?! I've continued vigorously with the ASL however beyong single word formation, we aren't getting anywhere. I think it has something to do with the fact that she can talk and she's just now beginning to form spoken sentences. So it stands to reason that stringing signs together may take a little more time and effort.
This Kindergarten has everything tiny for little people. Little potties and sinks, hooks and shoe benches at their level. Alayna would have a special pair of shoes specifically for wearing "indoors" at the school. (House shoes in essence)
The community and staff makes it their mission to help the child thrive and grow in all areas, spiritual, education, mind and even how their body grows. I'm hoping to pick her up from school on my bike since there aer bike trails. It's about a mile away. Alayna will be going with the cute little son of the Battalion Commander. His wife, (haven't decided a nickname) helped me through the paperwork, and there's a lot of it! They take this sort of stuff very seriously. Which is a good thing I guess. Don't get me started on school shopping...I know it's sort of like Day Care yeah but it really IS so much more than that. They have great structure and are taught in multiple subjects. From what I hear, there may be a member of the staff that knows American Sign Language! So I'm sure that person will help me in contributing to my efforts. That's speculation of course. But that would be so great!
Germany is really starting to grow on me. That scares me because I could really see myself climbing the fence of decision and sitting on it about moving back to the states right away when Adam deploys. I know it's still far off but that may be more time for me to realize all the things Germany has brought to my life. There is a LOT I'm going to miss if I leave. I'm terrible homesick for the people in my life back "home" though too. Living overseas has forced me to grow up more and become more independent on my immediate family unit. We are a family and we come first. I have been trying to take the reigns and think about what's best for our family as a whole instead of what I want to happen or any outside influence. This is a very good thing. Builds my confidence for sure!
My 2nd Egg is transforming Alayna's room from a nursery to a big girl room! I agonized over how to do this because I want to make as few changes as possible as she gets older and her tastes change. I know sinking hundreds of dollars in bedding, rugs, curtains and such to deck her room out in Tinkerbell is just silly. She'll grow out of that in two years and then I'll be stuck doing this all over again. So I decided to feed off of her absolute obsession with flowers and nature. She loves grass and leaves so I pondered a neutral but still "garden-esque" bedding and linens and turn her sanctuary into the Secret Garden! I love that movie and there are so many ways to make subtle changes as she grows. And if she ever wants to overhaul it completely...well I've got a ton of decorations for Spring or even a breakfast nook. Yep, thinkin' with the ole noggin. :) So I found 2 small wicker chairs and an armoire at IKEA. I'm excited to get down to the foliage!! Little here, little there.
Egg number 3: I'm still in the midst of the Left Behind Series by Tim Lahaye and Jerry B Jenkins. I am between books and waiting for the next one "The Mark" (#8) to arrive. In the meantime I read "Against Medical Advice" by James Patterson and Hal Friedman. It's about the obstacles faced by a boy (and all those around him) who suffers with Tourette's Syndrome. From doctor to doctor, pharmacy and daily life, this book was a quick read and kept me very interested. I was able to connect with the boy in some aspects although he was recounting his childhood whereas I didn't develop a chronic illness until I was 22. The frustration, suspense and the courage of Cory and his family were inspiring. If you ever get a chance to read it you should. I read it in 3 days. Not a very long book but a really good one none the less! Now I'm trying to decide whether or not to wait on my next book or move onto something else in the down time. It's driving me nuts because this series is just phenomenal!! I was so impatient waiting for 2 books when I blew through one that I read them online before they got here! I had never been so much into reading but as an adult I'm just loving it!!
Egg number 4: A New shiny egg or in my case, a scuffed busted one. I bumped into an old blue VW in a pretty hairy parking situation with my van teetering in a gutter/storm drain and a car trying to pull passed behind me in a tiny space. Great, so he "thought" I'd pull out of his way in enough time to go by but in reality I was making such a sharp turn I had to back up a little to pull in clearing the car next to me. Well he wouldn't stop and I thought he'd hit me so I nudged on the gas ever so slightly to just squeeze out of the way and scraaaaape. Super. I got out of the car to asses if there was any damage and need for me to leave my information and of course there was. More on my car than the other ladies. Her's had a tiny mark of white on it. But still, I got back in the car to find paper and something to write with and I almost didn't notice her fixin to pull out and leave! She snuck in her car pretty silent like! So I jump out and wave at her window. She doesn't understand me so I wave her to "come here" or get out of the car so I can show her what I did. She could've been my grandma so of course I'm embarrassed and feel really bad that I have to tell her I hit her car. We exchange information written and try to "talk" and communicate as best we can. She was trying to tell me that it wasn't a big deal and we'd work something out, nothing worth getting in a tizzy over. Then she told me a little bit about her grandchildren. She has a granddaughter about Alayna's age that goes to the Kindergarten in a neighboring town. It was a relief that she was so laid back about it. RED was the one I was afraid to tell. Mainly because in my mind I can see him turning Red... Yes I backed into (and BARELY touched a stucko wall) and it left a few itty bitty dimples and no paint damage. So this would make the second time I've run into something in the last 6 months. And it's the ONLY times I've ever hit anything since I've been driving... So I guess that's not too bad but talk about timing!! Not such great luck with that. lol. I was able to take a Magic Erasure to the paint and all the blue came off so the damage is minimal to the van. It looks a lot better. I'm not trying to down play it, of course, I should've been more careful. Or perhaps even more careful than I was already trying to be. I never set out to ram somebody that day. Who does that? It's just THINGS. I do my very best to care for them because yes we work hard for what we have BUT to me...it's just things. Things can always be replaced and my treasures aren't here on Earth. There are things and people I treasure of course but that's different.
Needless to say RED finally got over being peeved at me but I haven't heard the end of the bumper car jokes. I'm sure that'll continue for oh...the next 5 years or so.
Egg numero funf. (that's 3 languages!) ha! It's beautiful living in Germany but can we say expensive?! Last Friday we had our oil tanks topped off because they were half empty and it took about 2000 liters. We could've filled it more but we had to sortof guesstimate. All in all it's going cost us $1988 and some change. whew. Keeping warm, driving and having the lights on in your home doesn't come cheap. So that'll put a nice dent in our bank account. I hope we might still be able to go to Italy or France for our anniversary next month!
There is so much more but I'm done "collecting for today so to speak. And since I don't have as much time to sit down and write one blog, it ends up in pieces over the course of a week and some of it ends up irrelevant or sincerely OLD news....
Happy Monday, Be safe!
(does anyone know why inserting links doesn't work?? It hasn't in any of my posts!)
I'm trying to institute a "sign of the day" type deal in my posts. I can't embed with SigningSavvy.com and the links aren't "linking". So stay tuned while I handle this technical difficulty.
There will also be a recipe inserted into every post :)
Today's Recipe is one I think you'll really enjoy with the last fruits of Summer.
Lemon Creme Fruit Dip
1 pkg Instant Lemon Pudding Mix
1 Cup Cold Milk
1 Cup of Plain yogurt (vanilla might work too)
Mix the pudding powder and milk together and let stand one minute. Fold in the yogurt until mixed well. Serve with Berries, Grapes and Melons. Enjoy!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
In a Valley...
Tired of being sick!! I find myself with more questions than motivation these recent weeks. Usually I have the attitude that Fibromyalgia or it's host of other accompanying health issues it strings along will not beat ME! I will get on top and stay there, live the life I want to!! But as for now, all that fills that space in the fight factory is HOPELESSNESS.
I've truly forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. To be pain free and active. Wake up happy, ready to start the day. I see pictures, I know I was in great shape and vivacious! The person I am today is but a shadow where the "whole" me once existed. If only the people that know me now could've known me then.
WOW.
Having this disease does change who I am in many ways. My mild OCD for having a spectacularly clean house and things JUST so was forcibly crushed by my inability to keep up. The pain sidelined me on the couch or wherever and the anxiety about the kitchen not being swept or mopped ate at me until there was just nothing left. I was forced to accept it. I don't like it, I never will. It will always bother me that I can't care for my home the way I desire. It'll bother me that when people stop by and there's dust here or there and the table is full of clutter...that they don't know that this is not the way it's always been.
Fibromyalgia is literally battling for my life. The doctors say that this is not a degenerative disease. HA!! Yeah it won't kill me itself. But what else gets chipped away? Emotional health and stability. Depression and anxiety take hold, your mind changes. I've become a more negative person in some aspects. My self esteem suffers. My peace of mind that I'll be able to take care of my children if something happens to my husband is non-existent. My husband. ugh. I know that those who live with me have to deal with the effects of this illness. It makes me incredibly sad because I'm the one who is supposed to lift THEM up and make their lives easier and more fun. Instead I am a burden. If the laundry goes undone, my husband has to do it to have clean clothes for work. That in itself riddles me with guilt. Which adds to the depression which effects my pain which makes me fatigued and so on. It's such a game of Dominos.
This disease is deadly. I had the potential to kill my marriage. But our love outweighs it, Thank God. It has killed my ability to fully enjoy anything. Even on the most precious days of my life, when we are having SO much fun, yeah I'm smiling but no one understands that I feel like someone has beat me in the back with a baseball bat or I've got a nerve in my shoulder that is burning intensely. As I'm writing this, my left shoulder and my spine are hurting so badly, it's a gnawing, wrenching stabbing pain. And it make me angry. How can pain really last or be consistent THIS long??
Fibromyalgia has broken my heart. I want to romp around and wrestle with my little girl. Toss her little 26 pound body up in the air and catch her and see that huge smile it puts on her face, hear that giggle that is priceless to my ears. Carry her around whenever she wants to be close to mommy. I can't. I want to more than anything, I just can't. It tears me up inside. I can get about 25 meters with her in my arms and than I have to have a break. I can't let her walk or climb on me while I'm laying on the floor. And I know she doesn't understand why she can do it with daddy and not with mommy. I've cried so much about it at night.
What a thief in my daily life. I lay in bed and wish there was someway to make the pain stop. My knees throb and my hips ache. I roll over and switch positions, constantly to take pressure from this side or that. Awh, "sorry honey, I know you love me but I can't tonight...I'm just hurting so bad." What a horrible feeling to have to reject your husband. Not that I ever want to. It's not fair to him OR to me!
He really doesn't grasp that I desire more intimacy too, I'm suffering alongside him and have guilt to go with it.
So many adventures I'd love to have with him: hiking, snowboarding, repelling, bowling and LONG bike rides. 6 years ago I could do any of that. Now I can only dream about it and hope that one day there will be a cure and I won't be too far gone from fitness to do these things.
I HATE doctors. I spend SO much of my precious time having to constantly re-iterate my entire 6 years of pain, how it started, symptoms, tests, physical therapy outcomes and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know you're busy but SERIOUSLY it's ALL in my medical file...READ IT!! Doctor visits stress me out. I have to always wonder whether or not they will continue to help me abate this severe pain. And be willing to prescribe what works..which I have NO control over. No, I'm sorry Ibuprofen does NOTHING for me. Don't ask me why, if it helped, why in heaven's sake would I not take it? Do they honestly think I like having 6 bottles of medication and seeing them once a month. I appreciate them but they are NOT on my list of favorite people. The one I see now expects me to drive (with my 2 year old in tow of course) 3 hours to Landstuhl for treatment. Does she understand what an undertaking that is? Wrestle to keep Alayna entertained while having to deal with sitting in one place for 3 hours? Not to mention getting up EARLY (like 4:30am) to leave for the appt to make it there by 9...don't know if she understands that most times mornings and right before bed are the WORST times somedays. I usually don't wake up until 9 or so and then I have to start subtle stretching and moving just to get going, that last anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. So maybe the husband can go? hmm...let's think on this: the clinic is open only during business hours Monday through Friday right? okay. Last time I check, my husband has a JOB and has to fly. Sorry if I'm not willing to spend his precious leave days taking care of medical issues. That's supposed to be when I'm about 65 or 70 and we have all day to do nothing but make sure we don't fall apart.
I am young, I am happy, I have a good life and deserve to enjoy it. Don't burden me with even MORE hardships of taking care of myself. The medical professionals should be doing what they can to make that part easier on me. I have enough crap to deal with in my life outside the doctors office while in pain...
So no, I will not die. I will go on living. Living with parts of me dying off here and there over time. Peaks and valleys of fighting spirit and throwing in the towel. I'll never be what I once was...but that...is apparently not the definition of death.
Only terminal suffering. I've got news for you.
Read more on my fun-filled daily experience here:
I've truly forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. To be pain free and active. Wake up happy, ready to start the day. I see pictures, I know I was in great shape and vivacious! The person I am today is but a shadow where the "whole" me once existed. If only the people that know me now could've known me then.
WOW.
Having this disease does change who I am in many ways. My mild OCD for having a spectacularly clean house and things JUST so was forcibly crushed by my inability to keep up. The pain sidelined me on the couch or wherever and the anxiety about the kitchen not being swept or mopped ate at me until there was just nothing left. I was forced to accept it. I don't like it, I never will. It will always bother me that I can't care for my home the way I desire. It'll bother me that when people stop by and there's dust here or there and the table is full of clutter...that they don't know that this is not the way it's always been.
Fibromyalgia is literally battling for my life. The doctors say that this is not a degenerative disease. HA!! Yeah it won't kill me itself. But what else gets chipped away? Emotional health and stability. Depression and anxiety take hold, your mind changes. I've become a more negative person in some aspects. My self esteem suffers. My peace of mind that I'll be able to take care of my children if something happens to my husband is non-existent. My husband. ugh. I know that those who live with me have to deal with the effects of this illness. It makes me incredibly sad because I'm the one who is supposed to lift THEM up and make their lives easier and more fun. Instead I am a burden. If the laundry goes undone, my husband has to do it to have clean clothes for work. That in itself riddles me with guilt. Which adds to the depression which effects my pain which makes me fatigued and so on. It's such a game of Dominos.
This disease is deadly. I had the potential to kill my marriage. But our love outweighs it, Thank God. It has killed my ability to fully enjoy anything. Even on the most precious days of my life, when we are having SO much fun, yeah I'm smiling but no one understands that I feel like someone has beat me in the back with a baseball bat or I've got a nerve in my shoulder that is burning intensely. As I'm writing this, my left shoulder and my spine are hurting so badly, it's a gnawing, wrenching stabbing pain. And it make me angry. How can pain really last or be consistent THIS long??
Fibromyalgia has broken my heart. I want to romp around and wrestle with my little girl. Toss her little 26 pound body up in the air and catch her and see that huge smile it puts on her face, hear that giggle that is priceless to my ears. Carry her around whenever she wants to be close to mommy. I can't. I want to more than anything, I just can't. It tears me up inside. I can get about 25 meters with her in my arms and than I have to have a break. I can't let her walk or climb on me while I'm laying on the floor. And I know she doesn't understand why she can do it with daddy and not with mommy. I've cried so much about it at night.
What a thief in my daily life. I lay in bed and wish there was someway to make the pain stop. My knees throb and my hips ache. I roll over and switch positions, constantly to take pressure from this side or that. Awh, "sorry honey, I know you love me but I can't tonight...I'm just hurting so bad." What a horrible feeling to have to reject your husband. Not that I ever want to. It's not fair to him OR to me!
He really doesn't grasp that I desire more intimacy too, I'm suffering alongside him and have guilt to go with it.
So many adventures I'd love to have with him: hiking, snowboarding, repelling, bowling and LONG bike rides. 6 years ago I could do any of that. Now I can only dream about it and hope that one day there will be a cure and I won't be too far gone from fitness to do these things.
I HATE doctors. I spend SO much of my precious time having to constantly re-iterate my entire 6 years of pain, how it started, symptoms, tests, physical therapy outcomes and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know you're busy but SERIOUSLY it's ALL in my medical file...READ IT!! Doctor visits stress me out. I have to always wonder whether or not they will continue to help me abate this severe pain. And be willing to prescribe what works..which I have NO control over. No, I'm sorry Ibuprofen does NOTHING for me. Don't ask me why, if it helped, why in heaven's sake would I not take it? Do they honestly think I like having 6 bottles of medication and seeing them once a month. I appreciate them but they are NOT on my list of favorite people. The one I see now expects me to drive (with my 2 year old in tow of course) 3 hours to Landstuhl for treatment. Does she understand what an undertaking that is? Wrestle to keep Alayna entertained while having to deal with sitting in one place for 3 hours? Not to mention getting up EARLY (like 4:30am) to leave for the appt to make it there by 9...don't know if she understands that most times mornings and right before bed are the WORST times somedays. I usually don't wake up until 9 or so and then I have to start subtle stretching and moving just to get going, that last anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. So maybe the husband can go? hmm...let's think on this: the clinic is open only during business hours Monday through Friday right? okay. Last time I check, my husband has a JOB and has to fly. Sorry if I'm not willing to spend his precious leave days taking care of medical issues. That's supposed to be when I'm about 65 or 70 and we have all day to do nothing but make sure we don't fall apart.
I am young, I am happy, I have a good life and deserve to enjoy it. Don't burden me with even MORE hardships of taking care of myself. The medical professionals should be doing what they can to make that part easier on me. I have enough crap to deal with in my life outside the doctors office while in pain...
So no, I will not die. I will go on living. Living with parts of me dying off here and there over time. Peaks and valleys of fighting spirit and throwing in the towel. I'll never be what I once was...but that...is apparently not the definition of death.
Only terminal suffering. I've got news for you.
Read more on my fun-filled daily experience here:
Sunday, June 12, 2011
My Journey to Intactivism.
This post in on INFANT CIRCUMCISION. You've been warned, this is a hot seat topic and this post is purely an insight step by step of my journey to Intactivism. I will write and list in order what I read and watched. This IS my journey. And I never saw this coming.
This blog is mainly for ME as a diary AND it's public so I hope to reach parents of unborn baby boys solely so they may be armed with as much information as possible before making this permanent decision for their baby. I don't care if you've already had ONE or more circumcised sons, if you are pregnant with another or seeking to add to your family... urge you to delve into this with an open mind.
If you already have boys and are done having childen, you can probably stop here.
First I can't and won't judge anyone else's decisions for their babies, they have reasons for why they do or do not circumcise. I also can say with about 99% certainty that you had not seen or read THIS information. Last September changed everything on this subject for me. I was adamant that if My husband and I were blessed with a boy that he would "absolutely" be circumcised, no question.
A friend of mine posted an article which of course sparked a discussion on the topic. I stated my view and opinion and was just about verbally attacked, I was said to be evil and that they couldn't believe I'd be the kind of parent to "mutilate" my sons penis. Yikes. Those were tough words. So of course I fired back and it didn't end well. I just had to walk away at that time. I didn't understand.
One day while on Facebook, one of the pages I follow posted an article called "Separated at birth" which I assumed was about siblings. Nope. It was about a man who felt he was separated from part of his own body after birth. I was intrigued and open-minded so I read the whole article. Certain excerpts boggled my mind and I had questions...lots of questions. So on my own without any bias (because I was on the side of circumcision is great) I set out to learn more about...well...PENIS.
I DID research all sides to this practice. All the debates about religious rituals as well. That's one reason I wanted my would be son circumcised. Because I am a Christian, I believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I had believed we are called to fulfill a covenant with God by circumcising our boys. (why not our girls for those who never have boys, I don't know) Anyway the covenant between God and Abraham. I watched 2 circumcision procedures in their entirety and just cried, I had no idea. 75% of the time there is no anesthesia used. I decided I would NOT post those videos in this blog. I recommend if you haven't attended a circumcision that you look one up and watch it.
I discovered that 67.5% of American parents said "NO" to circumcision in 2009. I wanted to know WHY. That's a BIG trend change so of course nosey me wants to "know all". I chased after the answer. I was floored but what I found. I was overwhelmed BUT instantly I wanted MORE, I couldn't stop searching, they have to be mistaken about this, they are fanatics right?
This article made me think so at first. It's long, but worth the read. If I could research school, vaccines, child discipline, I can most definitely take the time now to read about circumcision.
http://www.noharmm.org/separated.htm
On the side of the website was a link to these videos by Penn & Teller. They were funny because of the mood of the show however it was very enlightening. Watch them, all of them, don't piece here, piece there it. That's where all the assumptions collect. The empty spaces that need to be filled with knowledge.
After watching these videos I wanted to track down a more scientific approach. What I learned about the penis is astounding, wonderful...
Wow, I'm thinking to myself and talking to the Lord...what do I do with all this information? Did we get lost in translation with Your word?
It hit me like a bolt of lightning!! GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.
He knits us together in our mother's womb perfectly designed, and the way we should be. Something so drastic and religiously sacred should be left to the individual. I don't ever want my son coming back to me asking "Mom, Dad, WHY did you take this from me? I've learned what I've lost and I can never get it back." How would you take it? What would you say?
I had a dream about it... and that is weight I cannot bear. I will not take anything away from my sons body that later he may blame me for. God gave him his body.
MOST men are absolutely fine and happy with their penile status. So that's a relief. They know no different and all is well. But there is now a fast growing industry of "restoration" tools to help recreate a make shift "foreskin". It'll never have ridges or the erogenous tissues that the real foreskin did. But it will protect the glans from the outside environment. Some young men are angry. Some Colleges have support and protest groups fighting against infant circumcision, sueing their doctors (and winning) and trying to restore that part of the body. I think we should listen. I needed to listen. So I pulled up lots of video where men talk about their struggle to restore and "mourning" the loss of their foreskin. No joke. They put it out there for the world to see.
As a woman, I really mowed it over, and I'd be pissed today if I had something perfectly functional and natural surgically taken from me as soon as I entered the world. I'd really be angry. Maybe we should cut out some of the labia majora on little girls so the area is easier to clean. We have SMEGMA too. And more genital crevices and folds than any man does. Yet society in America is fine with that. When the baby is intact, cleaning it is like cleaning a finger. "Only clean what is seen". You cannot retract the foreskin of a pre-pubecent penis. So hygiene shouldn't be an issue if you know how to use wipes or soap and water. Jenn, you're nuts. You've been opened up to this whole other world you didn't know existed. I can't UNSEE or UNLearn what I now. No turning back.
Just recently there was a man I know that was complaining after a day of running around all over the place, the glans was chaffed pretty bad and sort of wore it raw. I felt so bad but part of me was like "protection was created for you, you just don't have it"
I mean hypothetically if you birthed a son, circumcised him and raised him in the ways of your spiritual, religious beliefs and after he leaves home and goes out into the world, becomes an athiest or agnostic for whatever reason...what good did the circumcision do HIM? It's not securing a parents place in heaven. Only YOU are accountably for YOUR actions in the eyes of God. (in my opinion) It's YOU and HIM.
I needed to know more of what the Bible says about this. It's the book of Life, a guide given the way we should lead our lives, the do's and donts. "Help me understand Lord", I prayed. "Show me what You want me to know" Amen.
I asked my mother-in-law why she circumcised her sons. I wanted to talk to moms, I needed more than science now, I needed humanized information. She thought on it a little and said it really wasn't a choice. She doesn't remember having consent papers to sign after their births. They took the babies to the nursery and at some point brought them back crying or snivelling to her and told to comfort the baby boy because he was just circumcised. It was just part of the routine, unquestioned.
Whoa, that's enlightening too. I couldn't imagine having that experience. I never did ask her if she would've had them circumcised anyway had she had to make the decision. I also have no idea if my "Sperm donor-in-law" whom I've never seen/met is circumcised or not.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_male_circumcision
I know it's Wikipedia BUT if you skip to your religion and read (mine being Christianity) you might find something you didn't know. I had to stay open minded here.
http://www.stopcirc.com/christian.html
Yes it's an intactivist post, however, I broke out the Bible and read the ENTIRE post and made reference to each conclusion the author came up with. My spirit shook inside me. HOW do we not know this?
My thinking on it was the Anti-masturbation movement that was backed by Kellogg and Graham. Good goin' guys. They realized that this method was a moot point. Circumcised Men who fought and died in wars for our country masturbated...because they had needs, and they were alone. They discovered the removal of the prepuce "foreskin" did NOTHING to stop masturbation. If anything it had the opposite effect. It just became mainstream so fast. And people kept finding reasons to continue the procedure routinely. They've pretty much ALL been debunked. What it boils down to is religion and beliefs. You can't fight someone's beliefs, they have that right! I support and respect it fully. Follow YOUR conviction and I'll follow mine.
On the other hand, we can stand up against removing perfectly healthy body parts from newborn baby boys. Why is it barbaric to circumcise our little girls but we don't even flinch at the thought of cutting the boys? Why can't they have the procedure done when they are grown, for religious purposes (if it is a legitimate sacrifice or covenant) it's HIS to give.... right.....????
Seriously? On this video I was blown away with the aspect that having the son "look like Daddy" down there was a big reason for circumcising. What if Daddy was missing a toe? Okay, but you get where I'm going. A little boy penis looks nothing like a grown man's penis first of all and second, by the time puberty changes things and the boy grows into a man, the last thing on his mind will be what his dad's dingle doo looks like. Do you know? Is it that important? Your children are going to look different because they are a combination of two people. Let them be who they are.
This Lady is sortof in my head. I love this post for the most part. And it definitely hits on my point of view. So if you'd like to get deeper in my head...read.
http://yourpalpoppy.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/circumcision-circumcision-circumcision-there-i-said-it/
Ladies! The foreskin was designed for US too! Did you know that condoms that are "Ribbed for Her Pleasure" are actually design to mimick the foreskin? Yup,yup!
I really like Laci Green, she's a pretty cool chick, and this is definitely a more laid back approach to finding information and starting discussion.
I have been changed, I'm not eating crow because of what I didn't know before. That's just wrong to blame people for how society has molded us. I am breaking the cycle with my family. Should I never have a son I will still educate my daughter on all aspects of circumcising infants should she have a baby boy someday. So she can make the best informed decision. In her Sex Education I'll be using curriculum that shows the penis in it's entirety. The way it was designed. I'm not sure what they use in schools nowadays.
Everytime I find out a friend is pregnant I pray I can slip this information in so at least they have it. Because I didn't. (Didn't matter b/c I had a girl)
And when they announce it's a girl I get an eerie sense of relief. That baby will go home uninjured and whole. What's done is done to all the boys already here, they will be just fine, we hope. Hopefully they won't be spending a bunch more money trying to fix what didn't need fixing in the first place. Foreskin is not a birth defect.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your blood and life sacrifice so we no longer have to sacrifice our flesh!!
Bottom line for me after all this....
Keep in mind these are MY views and MY perspective. I understand everyone is different. And you are a great parent!
This blog is mainly for ME as a diary AND it's public so I hope to reach parents of unborn baby boys solely so they may be armed with as much information as possible before making this permanent decision for their baby. I don't care if you've already had ONE or more circumcised sons, if you are pregnant with another or seeking to add to your family... urge you to delve into this with an open mind.
If you already have boys and are done having childen, you can probably stop here.
First I can't and won't judge anyone else's decisions for their babies, they have reasons for why they do or do not circumcise. I also can say with about 99% certainty that you had not seen or read THIS information. Last September changed everything on this subject for me. I was adamant that if My husband and I were blessed with a boy that he would "absolutely" be circumcised, no question.
A friend of mine posted an article which of course sparked a discussion on the topic. I stated my view and opinion and was just about verbally attacked, I was said to be evil and that they couldn't believe I'd be the kind of parent to "mutilate" my sons penis. Yikes. Those were tough words. So of course I fired back and it didn't end well. I just had to walk away at that time. I didn't understand.
One day while on Facebook, one of the pages I follow posted an article called "Separated at birth" which I assumed was about siblings. Nope. It was about a man who felt he was separated from part of his own body after birth. I was intrigued and open-minded so I read the whole article. Certain excerpts boggled my mind and I had questions...lots of questions. So on my own without any bias (because I was on the side of circumcision is great) I set out to learn more about...well...PENIS.
I DID research all sides to this practice. All the debates about religious rituals as well. That's one reason I wanted my would be son circumcised. Because I am a Christian, I believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I had believed we are called to fulfill a covenant with God by circumcising our boys. (why not our girls for those who never have boys, I don't know) Anyway the covenant between God and Abraham. I watched 2 circumcision procedures in their entirety and just cried, I had no idea. 75% of the time there is no anesthesia used. I decided I would NOT post those videos in this blog. I recommend if you haven't attended a circumcision that you look one up and watch it.
I discovered that 67.5% of American parents said "NO" to circumcision in 2009. I wanted to know WHY. That's a BIG trend change so of course nosey me wants to "know all". I chased after the answer. I was floored but what I found. I was overwhelmed BUT instantly I wanted MORE, I couldn't stop searching, they have to be mistaken about this, they are fanatics right?
This article made me think so at first. It's long, but worth the read. If I could research school, vaccines, child discipline, I can most definitely take the time now to read about circumcision.
http://www.noharmm.org/separated.htm
On the side of the website was a link to these videos by Penn & Teller. They were funny because of the mood of the show however it was very enlightening. Watch them, all of them, don't piece here, piece there it. That's where all the assumptions collect. The empty spaces that need to be filled with knowledge.
After watching these videos I wanted to track down a more scientific approach. What I learned about the penis is astounding, wonderful...
Wow, I'm thinking to myself and talking to the Lord...what do I do with all this information? Did we get lost in translation with Your word?
It hit me like a bolt of lightning!! GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.
He knits us together in our mother's womb perfectly designed, and the way we should be. Something so drastic and religiously sacred should be left to the individual. I don't ever want my son coming back to me asking "Mom, Dad, WHY did you take this from me? I've learned what I've lost and I can never get it back." How would you take it? What would you say?
I had a dream about it... and that is weight I cannot bear. I will not take anything away from my sons body that later he may blame me for. God gave him his body.
MOST men are absolutely fine and happy with their penile status. So that's a relief. They know no different and all is well. But there is now a fast growing industry of "restoration" tools to help recreate a make shift "foreskin". It'll never have ridges or the erogenous tissues that the real foreskin did. But it will protect the glans from the outside environment. Some young men are angry. Some Colleges have support and protest groups fighting against infant circumcision, sueing their doctors (and winning) and trying to restore that part of the body. I think we should listen. I needed to listen. So I pulled up lots of video where men talk about their struggle to restore and "mourning" the loss of their foreskin. No joke. They put it out there for the world to see.
As a woman, I really mowed it over, and I'd be pissed today if I had something perfectly functional and natural surgically taken from me as soon as I entered the world. I'd really be angry. Maybe we should cut out some of the labia majora on little girls so the area is easier to clean. We have SMEGMA too. And more genital crevices and folds than any man does. Yet society in America is fine with that. When the baby is intact, cleaning it is like cleaning a finger. "Only clean what is seen". You cannot retract the foreskin of a pre-pubecent penis. So hygiene shouldn't be an issue if you know how to use wipes or soap and water. Jenn, you're nuts. You've been opened up to this whole other world you didn't know existed. I can't UNSEE or UNLearn what I now. No turning back.
Just recently there was a man I know that was complaining after a day of running around all over the place, the glans was chaffed pretty bad and sort of wore it raw. I felt so bad but part of me was like "protection was created for you, you just don't have it"
I mean hypothetically if you birthed a son, circumcised him and raised him in the ways of your spiritual, religious beliefs and after he leaves home and goes out into the world, becomes an athiest or agnostic for whatever reason...what good did the circumcision do HIM? It's not securing a parents place in heaven. Only YOU are accountably for YOUR actions in the eyes of God. (in my opinion) It's YOU and HIM.
I needed to know more of what the Bible says about this. It's the book of Life, a guide given the way we should lead our lives, the do's and donts. "Help me understand Lord", I prayed. "Show me what You want me to know" Amen.
I asked my mother-in-law why she circumcised her sons. I wanted to talk to moms, I needed more than science now, I needed humanized information. She thought on it a little and said it really wasn't a choice. She doesn't remember having consent papers to sign after their births. They took the babies to the nursery and at some point brought them back crying or snivelling to her and told to comfort the baby boy because he was just circumcised. It was just part of the routine, unquestioned.
Whoa, that's enlightening too. I couldn't imagine having that experience. I never did ask her if she would've had them circumcised anyway had she had to make the decision. I also have no idea if my "Sperm donor-in-law" whom I've never seen/met is circumcised or not.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_male_circumcision
I know it's Wikipedia BUT if you skip to your religion and read (mine being Christianity) you might find something you didn't know. I had to stay open minded here.
http://www.stopcirc.com/christian.html
Yes it's an intactivist post, however, I broke out the Bible and read the ENTIRE post and made reference to each conclusion the author came up with. My spirit shook inside me. HOW do we not know this?
My thinking on it was the Anti-masturbation movement that was backed by Kellogg and Graham. Good goin' guys. They realized that this method was a moot point. Circumcised Men who fought and died in wars for our country masturbated...because they had needs, and they were alone. They discovered the removal of the prepuce "foreskin" did NOTHING to stop masturbation. If anything it had the opposite effect. It just became mainstream so fast. And people kept finding reasons to continue the procedure routinely. They've pretty much ALL been debunked. What it boils down to is religion and beliefs. You can't fight someone's beliefs, they have that right! I support and respect it fully. Follow YOUR conviction and I'll follow mine.
On the other hand, we can stand up against removing perfectly healthy body parts from newborn baby boys. Why is it barbaric to circumcise our little girls but we don't even flinch at the thought of cutting the boys? Why can't they have the procedure done when they are grown, for religious purposes (if it is a legitimate sacrifice or covenant) it's HIS to give.... right.....????
Seriously? On this video I was blown away with the aspect that having the son "look like Daddy" down there was a big reason for circumcising. What if Daddy was missing a toe? Okay, but you get where I'm going. A little boy penis looks nothing like a grown man's penis first of all and second, by the time puberty changes things and the boy grows into a man, the last thing on his mind will be what his dad's dingle doo looks like. Do you know? Is it that important? Your children are going to look different because they are a combination of two people. Let them be who they are.
This Lady is sortof in my head. I love this post for the most part. And it definitely hits on my point of view. So if you'd like to get deeper in my head...read.
http://yourpalpoppy.wordpress.com/2011/05/20/circumcision-circumcision-circumcision-there-i-said-it/
Ladies! The foreskin was designed for US too! Did you know that condoms that are "Ribbed for Her Pleasure" are actually design to mimick the foreskin? Yup,yup!
I really like Laci Green, she's a pretty cool chick, and this is definitely a more laid back approach to finding information and starting discussion.
I have been changed, I'm not eating crow because of what I didn't know before. That's just wrong to blame people for how society has molded us. I am breaking the cycle with my family. Should I never have a son I will still educate my daughter on all aspects of circumcising infants should she have a baby boy someday. So she can make the best informed decision. In her Sex Education I'll be using curriculum that shows the penis in it's entirety. The way it was designed. I'm not sure what they use in schools nowadays.
Everytime I find out a friend is pregnant I pray I can slip this information in so at least they have it. Because I didn't. (Didn't matter b/c I had a girl)
And when they announce it's a girl I get an eerie sense of relief. That baby will go home uninjured and whole. What's done is done to all the boys already here, they will be just fine, we hope. Hopefully they won't be spending a bunch more money trying to fix what didn't need fixing in the first place. Foreskin is not a birth defect.
Thank you Lord Jesus for your blood and life sacrifice so we no longer have to sacrifice our flesh!!
Bottom line for me after all this....
Keep in mind these are MY views and MY perspective. I understand everyone is different. And you are a great parent!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Fulfill the Dreams you can....when you can.
Hiya Family, friends and spectators!
While it's no secret that the spouses of those in the military make many sacrifices in their personal lives and dreams to support the career and service of their life partner... what seems to be hiding in the shadows (because we "try" not to complain about having to put our career dreams on hold) is the empowerment to accomplish the dreams we CAN in the meantime! Or discover dreams we didn't know we had. However, lately the ice is starting to melt over the prairie and with a little sunshine and inspiration, women all around me are awaking to the possibilities of fulfulling dreams that aren't related to professional careers. It really IS like a field of seedlings in my eyes. We are all tiny and green but with some time and work I'll watch every one of them blossom.
I'll just speak to one instance and I don't think she'll mind me saying so because she knows how I feel about her. (at least I hope she does) I have a friend whom I met at Fort Rucker. She was the very first wife I met, after that those were big shoes to fill. Anyhow, she is very well educated and intelligent. She's been studying and going through class after class to further her education to secure (I think a Masters degree). Neither here nor there, I think even she is aware that having 4 children and a husband deployed, she won't be working in that professional capacity anytime in the near future. BUT...and there is a big BUT. Something else she has amazing skills at...is CAKE. She started out making cakes for her families occasions and then graciously did cakes for the birthdays of her friends and their children (She did Alayna's 1st Birthday Cake, WOW!). Our close knit group of friends (and I'm sure many others at some point) had nudged a little bit for her to start a business. We thought she was just really talented when it came to cake!! Maybe it's because she's really sweet ;)
Well she is!! She hmm'd and hawwed over it and after moving to Fort Drum decided to open herself up to public orders. I was so proud of her and very excited to see what would be flying out of her kitchen! It may not be her Exalibur as far as goals but I sense she's very happy with all that she's accomplished thus far. Being able to have a job she enjoys, that she controls, that she can do in the comforts of home surrounded by her children, that can move with her and such. I mean really if delivering internationally wouldn't be so expensive and well... almost impossible for cake...I'd be one of her VIP customers!! (in the top 5 along with a little Italian firecracker who lives for her cake)
She is definitely one of the prime examples of going with what you've got!! One of my heroes for sure. She supports her husband with every ounce of her being and fulfills herself in the ways she can "in the now".
My dream is to be a midwife or pharmacist (or both!) however schooling is the issue at hand now. So...I study a little on my own, keep up with my Pharmacy Technician Certification because I know one day it'll be my turn to have the reigns to go after my Excalibur! In the meantime there are small non-profit dreams that I'm trying to set out after. Learning how to play guitar (which Miss Cake does ALSO!), crochet beanie hats for preemies and become fluent in American Sign Language.
I don't think I should have to wait until retirement to enjoy these things. Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and raising a child, which is my #1 priority but at the end of the day I'm still "me". I have thoughts and hopes that aren't encompassed around potty training, bathtime, storytime and all. There is no room at the Inn, in this case, the German Kindergarten in my town. They can only take 12 children ages 1-3. 12!! They are full up. And since the community offsets some of the cost, you can only reap those benefits in your town of residence. I can try a town over here or there and IF they have the room and will take her, I have to pay the entire amount. In Euro. Have you seen the exchange rate?! So in reality, she's at home, with me for now. Which means I'll do what I can, when I can. It sucks at times but I fully understand I chose to be a SAHM as well as the wife of a soldier.
Don't give up the part of you that can dream the little dreams while you stand by his side. You're so much more than a trophy ;) You can make a difference, no matter where you are, no matter who you are.
So for you, is it bike riding long distances? Playing in some sort of sport league? Sewing? writing? Caking? Building Bird Feeders? Becoming a tattoo artist?
I'm not waiting anymore!! Neither should you.
Afterthoughts:
Now someone start an in home daycare so I can bring my child! (lol) kidding!
The HeyTell App for iPhone is totally AWESOME!!!
I'm really craving some cake now.
There is absolutely nothing sweeter in life than seeing your little girl love gently on her sleeping daddy. Rubbing his head and talking softly to him. Then just simply wedging herself bewteen him and the back of the couch and watching Bambi. :)
Recipe will be attached to next post...stay tuned!
Buhhhbye for now!
While it's no secret that the spouses of those in the military make many sacrifices in their personal lives and dreams to support the career and service of their life partner... what seems to be hiding in the shadows (because we "try" not to complain about having to put our career dreams on hold) is the empowerment to accomplish the dreams we CAN in the meantime! Or discover dreams we didn't know we had. However, lately the ice is starting to melt over the prairie and with a little sunshine and inspiration, women all around me are awaking to the possibilities of fulfulling dreams that aren't related to professional careers. It really IS like a field of seedlings in my eyes. We are all tiny and green but with some time and work I'll watch every one of them blossom.
I'll just speak to one instance and I don't think she'll mind me saying so because she knows how I feel about her. (at least I hope she does) I have a friend whom I met at Fort Rucker. She was the very first wife I met, after that those were big shoes to fill. Anyhow, she is very well educated and intelligent. She's been studying and going through class after class to further her education to secure (I think a Masters degree). Neither here nor there, I think even she is aware that having 4 children and a husband deployed, she won't be working in that professional capacity anytime in the near future. BUT...and there is a big BUT. Something else she has amazing skills at...is CAKE. She started out making cakes for her families occasions and then graciously did cakes for the birthdays of her friends and their children (She did Alayna's 1st Birthday Cake, WOW!). Our close knit group of friends (and I'm sure many others at some point) had nudged a little bit for her to start a business. We thought she was just really talented when it came to cake!! Maybe it's because she's really sweet ;)
Well she is!! She hmm'd and hawwed over it and after moving to Fort Drum decided to open herself up to public orders. I was so proud of her and very excited to see what would be flying out of her kitchen! It may not be her Exalibur as far as goals but I sense she's very happy with all that she's accomplished thus far. Being able to have a job she enjoys, that she controls, that she can do in the comforts of home surrounded by her children, that can move with her and such. I mean really if delivering internationally wouldn't be so expensive and well... almost impossible for cake...I'd be one of her VIP customers!! (in the top 5 along with a little Italian firecracker who lives for her cake)
She is definitely one of the prime examples of going with what you've got!! One of my heroes for sure. She supports her husband with every ounce of her being and fulfills herself in the ways she can "in the now".
My dream is to be a midwife or pharmacist (or both!) however schooling is the issue at hand now. So...I study a little on my own, keep up with my Pharmacy Technician Certification because I know one day it'll be my turn to have the reigns to go after my Excalibur! In the meantime there are small non-profit dreams that I'm trying to set out after. Learning how to play guitar (which Miss Cake does ALSO!), crochet beanie hats for preemies and become fluent in American Sign Language.
I don't think I should have to wait until retirement to enjoy these things. Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and raising a child, which is my #1 priority but at the end of the day I'm still "me". I have thoughts and hopes that aren't encompassed around potty training, bathtime, storytime and all. There is no room at the Inn, in this case, the German Kindergarten in my town. They can only take 12 children ages 1-3. 12!! They are full up. And since the community offsets some of the cost, you can only reap those benefits in your town of residence. I can try a town over here or there and IF they have the room and will take her, I have to pay the entire amount. In Euro. Have you seen the exchange rate?! So in reality, she's at home, with me for now. Which means I'll do what I can, when I can. It sucks at times but I fully understand I chose to be a SAHM as well as the wife of a soldier.
Don't give up the part of you that can dream the little dreams while you stand by his side. You're so much more than a trophy ;) You can make a difference, no matter where you are, no matter who you are.
So for you, is it bike riding long distances? Playing in some sort of sport league? Sewing? writing? Caking? Building Bird Feeders? Becoming a tattoo artist?
I'm not waiting anymore!! Neither should you.
Afterthoughts:
Now someone start an in home daycare so I can bring my child! (lol) kidding!
The HeyTell App for iPhone is totally AWESOME!!!
I'm really craving some cake now.
There is absolutely nothing sweeter in life than seeing your little girl love gently on her sleeping daddy. Rubbing his head and talking softly to him. Then just simply wedging herself bewteen him and the back of the couch and watching Bambi. :)
Recipe will be attached to next post...stay tuned!
Buhhhbye for now!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Odd Blog...?
Been a few days but I have not abandoned thee!
I had a pretty stellar weekend if I may say so! Friday we just hung out here at the house as a family. Red did some cleaning, I nursed a migraine and Alayna was a great lil toddler. We watched Avatar: The Last Airbender and I'm going to give it 4 out of 5 stars. It was pretty darn good! I had watched some of the cartoon series with my little brother last year so kinda knew the basis for the movie. Hope they come out with the next installment soon.
Saturday we ventured to the pools and had a blast. Adam was totally disappointed when I snuck past the wading pool with one of the yummiest things I've had lately...a fresh donut with creme filling! He thought I could resist? c'mon!!! I did my little workout in the pool. I'm not completely guilt free but it was a fair trade I think. So I just pointed my nose in the air in his general direction and kept walking. hehe.
That night I went to Tippy's house for a "Stitch and "Bitch" with the whiskey girls. We had a little wine, some desserts and lots of juicy stories. I was way too uptight to knit since I tried it a few times and found there was nowhere to put stitches! They were SOOO tight! So I drank another glass of wine, sat back, sold out and broke out the crochet stuff. ;) I'll try knitting again as I wouldn't mind doing both! It was such a great thing for me to get a night "in" so to speak, with the girls to just hang out, learn something new and chit chat. I'm hearing it'll be a once monthly deal, I'm down!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking I have TOO many irons in the fire right now. I'm too scatterbrained and know better than to take on too much all at once because I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down. Really it all comes down to lack of energy and days clear of fibro fog. Ugh. For the past few weeks I find myself wanting to go to bed as early as I can manage and get up as late as Alayna will sleep in. Napping has been a pretty regular thing to. I'm starting to come to grips with the "why" of it all.... pain. Whether dull or excrutiating, I always feel like crap. I hurt, all over and sometimes don't understand how it's even possible to hurt on a daily basis for this long... and when I sleep, I don't hurt. If I dream I'm able to do whatever I want to do without thinking about pain or trying to shove it down. I run, climb, heck maybe I'd even fight someone. And effortlessly with no consequense. In reality I have to be concious of everything I do and how it will effect me later. Not only because I have things that have to get done, but I have a 2 year old who still solely depends on me for everything.
And BAM, as soon as my eyes open, the very thing of any 5 senses I experience is, pain. Sometimes I dream that if I was put into a medically induced coma for any period of time, maybe my body would really reboot and I'd wake up normal again. The old me. Like instead of writing this, I really want to put the laptop down and go to sleep. I could be out in 5 minutes. It's a very overwhelming temptation. I almost can't fight it and some days I don't bother trying. I take enough B vitamins to kill a horse and stay away from caffeine. Not much seems to help most days. It is what it is. And I only do what I can do.
(UPDATE: after I wrote that paragraph I put the laptop down which I don't remember and next thing I know, Red is waking me up! I fell asleep and didn't even realize it! I was only out for 20 minutes but I was that sleepy.)
My sister mentioned something to me about maybe having low iron levels. I've been lazy about taking my daily vitamin so I jumped back on that and added in an iron supplement. It's been 2 days and seems to be helping a little BUT I know it takes a while to build your iron levels back up so I'll give it a week. If things aren't better I'm dragging myself to the doctor for bloodwork. Something has to give here.
I'm almost angry at myself for sleeping in and taking naps. I am literally sleeping my life away and that's just stupid. But would you believe me if I told you I can't help it?
I really have tried getting up at 7:30 in the morning (before Alayna) and staying up no matter what. I'm absolutely miserable and physically can't focus on anything. I fall asleep if I even sit down. So, my main goal is to get my energy back. I need it for so many things. Exercise, house chores, hobbies, showering... Doing things with friends and with my kiddo. And my poor husband, well, we won't go there. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. I don't know who else could handle me.
Okay so enough ranting. I truly did have a pretty awesome weekend (when I was awake). I hope we'll be planning our next 4day weekend here soon. I want to go camping! So I'm praying for some decent weather and getting back on the ball.
Happy Hump Day Everyone!
I had a pretty stellar weekend if I may say so! Friday we just hung out here at the house as a family. Red did some cleaning, I nursed a migraine and Alayna was a great lil toddler. We watched Avatar: The Last Airbender and I'm going to give it 4 out of 5 stars. It was pretty darn good! I had watched some of the cartoon series with my little brother last year so kinda knew the basis for the movie. Hope they come out with the next installment soon.
Saturday we ventured to the pools and had a blast. Adam was totally disappointed when I snuck past the wading pool with one of the yummiest things I've had lately...a fresh donut with creme filling! He thought I could resist? c'mon!!! I did my little workout in the pool. I'm not completely guilt free but it was a fair trade I think. So I just pointed my nose in the air in his general direction and kept walking. hehe.
That night I went to Tippy's house for a "Stitch and "Bitch" with the whiskey girls. We had a little wine, some desserts and lots of juicy stories. I was way too uptight to knit since I tried it a few times and found there was nowhere to put stitches! They were SOOO tight! So I drank another glass of wine, sat back, sold out and broke out the crochet stuff. ;) I'll try knitting again as I wouldn't mind doing both! It was such a great thing for me to get a night "in" so to speak, with the girls to just hang out, learn something new and chit chat. I'm hearing it'll be a once monthly deal, I'm down!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking I have TOO many irons in the fire right now. I'm too scatterbrained and know better than to take on too much all at once because I get overwhelmed and tend to shut down. Really it all comes down to lack of energy and days clear of fibro fog. Ugh. For the past few weeks I find myself wanting to go to bed as early as I can manage and get up as late as Alayna will sleep in. Napping has been a pretty regular thing to. I'm starting to come to grips with the "why" of it all.... pain. Whether dull or excrutiating, I always feel like crap. I hurt, all over and sometimes don't understand how it's even possible to hurt on a daily basis for this long... and when I sleep, I don't hurt. If I dream I'm able to do whatever I want to do without thinking about pain or trying to shove it down. I run, climb, heck maybe I'd even fight someone. And effortlessly with no consequense. In reality I have to be concious of everything I do and how it will effect me later. Not only because I have things that have to get done, but I have a 2 year old who still solely depends on me for everything.
And BAM, as soon as my eyes open, the very thing of any 5 senses I experience is, pain. Sometimes I dream that if I was put into a medically induced coma for any period of time, maybe my body would really reboot and I'd wake up normal again. The old me. Like instead of writing this, I really want to put the laptop down and go to sleep. I could be out in 5 minutes. It's a very overwhelming temptation. I almost can't fight it and some days I don't bother trying. I take enough B vitamins to kill a horse and stay away from caffeine. Not much seems to help most days. It is what it is. And I only do what I can do.
(UPDATE: after I wrote that paragraph I put the laptop down which I don't remember and next thing I know, Red is waking me up! I fell asleep and didn't even realize it! I was only out for 20 minutes but I was that sleepy.)
My sister mentioned something to me about maybe having low iron levels. I've been lazy about taking my daily vitamin so I jumped back on that and added in an iron supplement. It's been 2 days and seems to be helping a little BUT I know it takes a while to build your iron levels back up so I'll give it a week. If things aren't better I'm dragging myself to the doctor for bloodwork. Something has to give here.
I'm almost angry at myself for sleeping in and taking naps. I am literally sleeping my life away and that's just stupid. But would you believe me if I told you I can't help it?
I really have tried getting up at 7:30 in the morning (before Alayna) and staying up no matter what. I'm absolutely miserable and physically can't focus on anything. I fall asleep if I even sit down. So, my main goal is to get my energy back. I need it for so many things. Exercise, house chores, hobbies, showering... Doing things with friends and with my kiddo. And my poor husband, well, we won't go there. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. I don't know who else could handle me.
Okay so enough ranting. I truly did have a pretty awesome weekend (when I was awake). I hope we'll be planning our next 4day weekend here soon. I want to go camping! So I'm praying for some decent weather and getting back on the ball.
Happy Hump Day Everyone!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Hobbies for HeARTwork
Hey Hobby Lobby! :D
My relationship with the crochet hook is getting less awkward. I find myself more than determined to learn this. It's all super confusing, "I don't see where one stitch ends and the other begins!?" All the jargon, loopy dee loop, where do I hold my hands? Umm is my pinky supposed to get a cramp? I didn't even know that was possible!
I am holding steadfast to my mission. Baby Beanies. I can't get them off my mind. One nurse changed the way I look at beanies, forever. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you but there is a bit of back story so you can see the big picture.
I was wisked into the O.R. at about 7:30am on April 11th 2009, it was an emergency situation... My baby girl was bleeding because my placenta tore away from my uterus. It only takes 2.3 ounces of blood loss for a full term baby to die. My baby was coming 7 weeks too soon. My spinal didn't take fast enough for me to stay awake for the c-section. I heard the doctor say something about beginning at blah blah blah...and then I felt the incredible burn and piercing pain beyond imagination and with one scream, I heard "Special K" and saw WHITE.
They had her out in 7 minutes flat. I was experiencing severe reactions of my own so I didn't have the capacity to worry about my baby. She was in capable hands I had to be sure. But I needed to stay alive. I didn't even know how serious the situation was until the doctor told me and my momma had to put it in perspective. I was in denial about the whole thing.
My miracle. 4 lbs 8 ounces, 17 1/2 inches long. (2 hematacrit points short of needing a blood transfusion. Praise God!)
I was wheeled by the nursery on the way to my recovery room so I was told, I don't remember that. The first time I know I "saw" my baby was the day after she was born. She couldn't be with me because she was under an "Oxy hood" and I was in a semi-comatosed state on a 24 hour magnesium drip to keep me from having seizures.
When Red wheeled me down to the nursery for the first time (still super fuzzy headed), I saw her through the glass first and waited to be buzzed into the nursery. He parked me right by her warming bed and I didn't know what to do. She was so tiny, helpless...not ready. All I could do was touch her feet and sob as I apologized over and over again for letting her down. The "bubble" over her head was all fogged up so I couldn't even see her face. I asked the nurse if she could fix it or take it off for a minute so I could see my daughters face for the first time. I needed to see something other than a bundle of wires and leads on a tiny, still body. She was beautiful. I wanted so badly so grab her up in my arms but I was too scared to even ask. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear how fragile she was. Since they weren't equipped with nasal canulas and had No NICU, I couldn't hold her. They didn't seem to give much weight to it either...like it wasn't a big deal. The attitude was "you'll get to hold her when you get to hold her and we can't say when that'll be". Did they have any idea how traumatized I was? How guilty I felt? How empty I felt. I had no baby in my womb and no baby in my arms. They treated her as if she didn't even belong to me. How inhuman.
Over the course of the next day I was unaware of all the buzzing going on around me between my mom, Red and his mom (who was an L&D nurse for quite some time). They were discussing the welfare of the baby. When I was finally coming out of the magnesium haze I sat in the rocking chair in my room to eat. My mom came to me and knelt down in front of me, put both her hands on me and in the most loving and supportive way possible, crushed my world. I know it killed her have to tell me that everyone (except the pediatrician overseeing her care) felt Alayna needed to be transported to the nearest NICU (which was over an hour away). She knew how fragile I was. I started to have a panic attack. I can't even have her in my room or hold her and now you want me to send her an hour away? Tears came uncontrollably. My mommy held me and assured me that it was a hard decision that HAD to be made for my baby. My first hard thing as a mommy. So I of course agreed. But there was NO way I was staying in that hospital. If my baby was leaving, so was I.
An ambulance and NICU transport team was on their way from Montgomery for my baby. I had to get blood tests done and sign paperwork releasing myself against medical advice since I was supposed to stay another day. I dreaded every moment that ticked by because it was one closer until I had to send my baby away with strangers.
The time came and the head NICU nurse came in to talk to me about the baby. I learned more about what was going on with her in that 20 minutes than in the entire 2 days of her short life. Shortly after she was finished two men wheeled the transport incubator into my room so that I could see her before she left. (I'm choking back tears typing this) I sat on the couch, frozen. The machine was massive. Lights and cords and things beeping. Encapsulated inside was my tiny little girl. She was crying...I started sobbing. My momma had her arm around me and said "Jenny, honey, go to her. It's okay baby, touch her" So I hobbled up to the isolette and rubbed her little arm as she lay there crying with tiny "meows" is what it sounded like to me. Not even a baby cry. My mama to me "Talk to her honey, let her hear your voice" I just didn't know what to do, what do I say? "It's going to be okay?" Was it? I wasn't going to lie to her. I wasn't okay... How could anyone who's just been gutted like a fish and alienated from her newborn be okay with this....
The nurses and driving team reassured me that they would care for her as the precious cargo she was. And they did something for me that impacted me in a way I couldn't understand but it was oh so momentum-changing. They had placed on her tiny little head, a crocheted pink soft baby beanie hat. NOW she looked like a baby to me. This hospital kept her naked surrounded by wires and plastic and nothing else. But these nurses...humanized her. Put something soft and hand made on her little body to comfort her. I didn't realize it at the time but it was a priceless gift. They would be different to my baby.
Since it was late at night when she left, my mama told me it would be best to go home and get some good sleep in my own bed and she promised she'd take me first thing in the morning up to the NICU. There wasn't much I could do that night even though every cell in me wanted to meet or even beat her there. I went home, slept a little, cried a lot, felt numb.
The drive to the NICU seemed to take forever!!! I think that first day I had them take me up in a wheelchair. I had to wait for the nurses to change shifts before I could be let back to see her. When I arrived in her room, I had to scrub in and put on a horrible yellow gown. (I understand the purpose but it was still yet another barrier between me and the precious life that was part of me just a few days before. I beheld a totally different environment.
She was all cozied up on her tummy with a little rice pillow sock wrapped around her to make her feel secure. She had a beautiful card with her name on it. This was "her" special place. Lots of colorful receiving blankets lined her bed. She had a pacifier nearby. I could see her face. She was sleeping peacefully. I was too scared of the let down so my mom took the reigns and asked the nurse if she knew when I might be able to hold her because I hadn't yet. The nurse was flabergasted!! "She hasn't HELD that baby?!?!" My heart started pounding as I heard her say she just needed to check Alayna's body temperature and as long as it was all right, she'd wrap her up and give her to me. I said "really? I can hold her!?" She said "Oh my honey, of course, she's YOUR baby!" Wow. I wanted to bawl. "My Baby". Finally someone in charge recognized me as her mother. That she needed me, and I her. That first time I held her I could barely contain myself. I struggled to keep from shaking her from breaking down in sobs. I can't describe that feeling. I was holding my soul outside my body. She's here in my arms. Thank God for my mommy, coaching my through this because I just didn't know how to act or what to do. I felt silly talking to her and I have no idea why. In the video she was taking she tells me (again) "talk to her sweetie". Never has my mom had to coax me to talk!!!
But from Saturday to Monday she was having to remind me to talk to my baby. Maybe I just wanted to hold her and hope she had ESP and knew how I felt. Or I was afraid as soon as I opened my mouth to get a word out I'd just start sobbing again. I still felt guilty, all the cords she had to be attached to. She wasn't able to nurse because she wasn't strong enough. Not ready to be here. But she was in good hands. When my mom told me she felt peace about her now being in a NICU and where she belongs, it made me feel better. I was actually able to "mother" her there. Change her diapers, hold her, feed her, bathe her.
But the jist of all this was the small but enormous gesture shown when she was taken from me, as a baby, not a specimen. That little cap, I'm so attached to it. I'll never forget it. It was made by a woman in a church group of ladies who sit around at meetings crocheting for the babies in the NICU. Sending little prayers with each creation. So I know what I have to do. What I want to do. Humanize those tiny little lives. comfort the parents who are tortured and traumatized inside by the ordeal of seeing their baby in a NICU instead of in a bassinet at home. So this is my mission.
A small one but it may mean the world to one mom, like it did to me. If I can do that for one, it'll all be worth it!!
My relationship with the crochet hook is getting less awkward. I find myself more than determined to learn this. It's all super confusing, "I don't see where one stitch ends and the other begins!?" All the jargon, loopy dee loop, where do I hold my hands? Umm is my pinky supposed to get a cramp? I didn't even know that was possible!
I am holding steadfast to my mission. Baby Beanies. I can't get them off my mind. One nurse changed the way I look at beanies, forever. Why you ask? Well I'll tell you but there is a bit of back story so you can see the big picture.
I was wisked into the O.R. at about 7:30am on April 11th 2009, it was an emergency situation... My baby girl was bleeding because my placenta tore away from my uterus. It only takes 2.3 ounces of blood loss for a full term baby to die. My baby was coming 7 weeks too soon. My spinal didn't take fast enough for me to stay awake for the c-section. I heard the doctor say something about beginning at blah blah blah...and then I felt the incredible burn and piercing pain beyond imagination and with one scream, I heard "Special K" and saw WHITE.
They had her out in 7 minutes flat. I was experiencing severe reactions of my own so I didn't have the capacity to worry about my baby. She was in capable hands I had to be sure. But I needed to stay alive. I didn't even know how serious the situation was until the doctor told me and my momma had to put it in perspective. I was in denial about the whole thing.
My miracle. 4 lbs 8 ounces, 17 1/2 inches long. (2 hematacrit points short of needing a blood transfusion. Praise God!)
I was wheeled by the nursery on the way to my recovery room so I was told, I don't remember that. The first time I know I "saw" my baby was the day after she was born. She couldn't be with me because she was under an "Oxy hood" and I was in a semi-comatosed state on a 24 hour magnesium drip to keep me from having seizures.
When Red wheeled me down to the nursery for the first time (still super fuzzy headed), I saw her through the glass first and waited to be buzzed into the nursery. He parked me right by her warming bed and I didn't know what to do. She was so tiny, helpless...not ready. All I could do was touch her feet and sob as I apologized over and over again for letting her down. The "bubble" over her head was all fogged up so I couldn't even see her face. I asked the nurse if she could fix it or take it off for a minute so I could see my daughters face for the first time. I needed to see something other than a bundle of wires and leads on a tiny, still body. She was beautiful. I wanted so badly so grab her up in my arms but I was too scared to even ask. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear how fragile she was. Since they weren't equipped with nasal canulas and had No NICU, I couldn't hold her. They didn't seem to give much weight to it either...like it wasn't a big deal. The attitude was "you'll get to hold her when you get to hold her and we can't say when that'll be". Did they have any idea how traumatized I was? How guilty I felt? How empty I felt. I had no baby in my womb and no baby in my arms. They treated her as if she didn't even belong to me. How inhuman.
Over the course of the next day I was unaware of all the buzzing going on around me between my mom, Red and his mom (who was an L&D nurse for quite some time). They were discussing the welfare of the baby. When I was finally coming out of the magnesium haze I sat in the rocking chair in my room to eat. My mom came to me and knelt down in front of me, put both her hands on me and in the most loving and supportive way possible, crushed my world. I know it killed her have to tell me that everyone (except the pediatrician overseeing her care) felt Alayna needed to be transported to the nearest NICU (which was over an hour away). She knew how fragile I was. I started to have a panic attack. I can't even have her in my room or hold her and now you want me to send her an hour away? Tears came uncontrollably. My mommy held me and assured me that it was a hard decision that HAD to be made for my baby. My first hard thing as a mommy. So I of course agreed. But there was NO way I was staying in that hospital. If my baby was leaving, so was I.
An ambulance and NICU transport team was on their way from Montgomery for my baby. I had to get blood tests done and sign paperwork releasing myself against medical advice since I was supposed to stay another day. I dreaded every moment that ticked by because it was one closer until I had to send my baby away with strangers.
The time came and the head NICU nurse came in to talk to me about the baby. I learned more about what was going on with her in that 20 minutes than in the entire 2 days of her short life. Shortly after she was finished two men wheeled the transport incubator into my room so that I could see her before she left. (I'm choking back tears typing this) I sat on the couch, frozen. The machine was massive. Lights and cords and things beeping. Encapsulated inside was my tiny little girl. She was crying...I started sobbing. My momma had her arm around me and said "Jenny, honey, go to her. It's okay baby, touch her" So I hobbled up to the isolette and rubbed her little arm as she lay there crying with tiny "meows" is what it sounded like to me. Not even a baby cry. My mama to me "Talk to her honey, let her hear your voice" I just didn't know what to do, what do I say? "It's going to be okay?" Was it? I wasn't going to lie to her. I wasn't okay... How could anyone who's just been gutted like a fish and alienated from her newborn be okay with this....
The nurses and driving team reassured me that they would care for her as the precious cargo she was. And they did something for me that impacted me in a way I couldn't understand but it was oh so momentum-changing. They had placed on her tiny little head, a crocheted pink soft baby beanie hat. NOW she looked like a baby to me. This hospital kept her naked surrounded by wires and plastic and nothing else. But these nurses...humanized her. Put something soft and hand made on her little body to comfort her. I didn't realize it at the time but it was a priceless gift. They would be different to my baby.
Since it was late at night when she left, my mama told me it would be best to go home and get some good sleep in my own bed and she promised she'd take me first thing in the morning up to the NICU. There wasn't much I could do that night even though every cell in me wanted to meet or even beat her there. I went home, slept a little, cried a lot, felt numb.
The drive to the NICU seemed to take forever!!! I think that first day I had them take me up in a wheelchair. I had to wait for the nurses to change shifts before I could be let back to see her. When I arrived in her room, I had to scrub in and put on a horrible yellow gown. (I understand the purpose but it was still yet another barrier between me and the precious life that was part of me just a few days before. I beheld a totally different environment.
She was all cozied up on her tummy with a little rice pillow sock wrapped around her to make her feel secure. She had a beautiful card with her name on it. This was "her" special place. Lots of colorful receiving blankets lined her bed. She had a pacifier nearby. I could see her face. She was sleeping peacefully. I was too scared of the let down so my mom took the reigns and asked the nurse if she knew when I might be able to hold her because I hadn't yet. The nurse was flabergasted!! "She hasn't HELD that baby?!?!" My heart started pounding as I heard her say she just needed to check Alayna's body temperature and as long as it was all right, she'd wrap her up and give her to me. I said "really? I can hold her!?" She said "Oh my honey, of course, she's YOUR baby!" Wow. I wanted to bawl. "My Baby". Finally someone in charge recognized me as her mother. That she needed me, and I her. That first time I held her I could barely contain myself. I struggled to keep from shaking her from breaking down in sobs. I can't describe that feeling. I was holding my soul outside my body. She's here in my arms. Thank God for my mommy, coaching my through this because I just didn't know how to act or what to do. I felt silly talking to her and I have no idea why. In the video she was taking she tells me (again) "talk to her sweetie". Never has my mom had to coax me to talk!!!
But from Saturday to Monday she was having to remind me to talk to my baby. Maybe I just wanted to hold her and hope she had ESP and knew how I felt. Or I was afraid as soon as I opened my mouth to get a word out I'd just start sobbing again. I still felt guilty, all the cords she had to be attached to. She wasn't able to nurse because she wasn't strong enough. Not ready to be here. But she was in good hands. When my mom told me she felt peace about her now being in a NICU and where she belongs, it made me feel better. I was actually able to "mother" her there. Change her diapers, hold her, feed her, bathe her.
But the jist of all this was the small but enormous gesture shown when she was taken from me, as a baby, not a specimen. That little cap, I'm so attached to it. I'll never forget it. It was made by a woman in a church group of ladies who sit around at meetings crocheting for the babies in the NICU. Sending little prayers with each creation. So I know what I have to do. What I want to do. Humanize those tiny little lives. comfort the parents who are tortured and traumatized inside by the ordeal of seeing their baby in a NICU instead of in a bassinet at home. So this is my mission.
A small one but it may mean the world to one mom, like it did to me. If I can do that for one, it'll all be worth it!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Birth of a BESST friend...a tribute
What is a Bestfriend? Let me see if I can gather a definition.
Ahh here we are:
Noun
best friend (plural best friends)
1.An especially close and trusted friend
Seriously? Is that the best we can do? I totally understand when it comes to the dictionary, it has to be short and make the point clear but I'd say this is rather vague. Maybe it's just my idea of friendship to begin with because I don't know about you but I trust all my friends. I don't tend to hang with those who are untrustworthy. Let me show you MY definition of "best friend".
I am especially close with quite a few gals. But there is a one. The one.
Tried, tested, true. Years and years of ups, downs and all arounds. Like a chicken on a junebug, you can't shake 'em off!!
But I have this ONE. With all the friendships I've had throughout the 27 years I've been on this planet never did I think I'd be gifted a friendship such as this. It was something I'd only heard about, dreamed of. Yet meanwhile over the years I've been stabbed in the back, gossiped about, lied to, trampled on and plain ole left in the dust. It happens. Those are fleeting friendships. The ones that teach us what best-friendship ISN'T.
Ain't she Purty??
Only SHE could've taught me what bestfriendship IS. It does exist. And God brought us together. It all started with a dog. I can get into that later but I want to discuss my life now having had a BESSt Friend. It is the person whom I am certain God placed in a different family because He knew one set of parents couldn't handle us both!! I don't think either of us thought when we met that our bond would've ever blossomed into what it is today. If I don't hear her voice, after a few days I get cranky and really just homesick. I go through withdrawals sometimes. I really do.
Winter 2005
She has been there, everywhere I have been. From Chicago to Alabama and anywhere in between. Her time, money and energy have been lovingly invested in me. ME. Not because I have anything I can give her, but just because I'm me. She was with me before the pain, with me in the long journey to discover what it was and supported me every step. Coached me into taking care of myself no matter what that meant. So what if I had to quit working full time? Another doctor? Suck it up and go get looked at! She remembers (probably vaguely now, what the pain free me was like)
She was there for me through a difficult time (luckily short) in my marriage. Rejoiced when everything healed and we moved happily along. From Chicago, her house was always the halfway and resting point on the way to my family in North Carolina. I always had a place to stay. Whether it be 6 hours or 6 days. Didn't matter. Her home is my home, she's always made me feel that way and for some reason I've always felt THAT way. (you know how sometimes no matter how laid back a host is you still feel like a guest?) Nope, not there. I cook there, clean there. I've never felt more like I belong. (With anyone besides my blood family) Hell I've even rearranged some things and helped her decorate a nursery.
That's the next thing. Wow. I don't want to go into stories because this is about the definition of a best friend. But this is important. It's part of the core.
I had been trying SO hard for a baby for over a year...She couldn't understand the longing because she herself didn't have it at that time and didn't know when and if she would. Then she got pregnant. By surprise. I'm not sure if she was nervous or apprehensive about telling me. She gave me a little runaround hint that she needed me to be available around the beginning of November (2007). To visit them. 3 of them. (the wheels were turning but I was coming up dry) Then she said it. And I froze up inside. Totally numb. I didn't know what to say or do. I was in denial and thought she was joking. Nope this was for real. I wanted to crawl under the table. I felt SO guilty because I loved her but the first thing my heart felt was sadness, emptiness and anger. "Why her? She wasn't even planning on having children at least not anytime soon!!" I hugged her and totally faked the Oh how exciting! deal, found a reason to go to "my" room. Put my face in the pillow and cried. I was crying for two reasons, I was genuinely guilty about the first reason for my crying, I was bitter, it wasn't fair. How and why could I not be truly happy for her even though I'm hurting so bad? After a few days I sat down and talked to her about how I was feeling. I expected her to be disappointed in me and upset. (understandably so) But she wasn't.
She didn't judge me one iota. It was then on I knew I'd be able to go to her with ANYTHING. She was unsure about how she felt about becoming a mom when she found out and she admitted she couldn't imagine the heartache it must be causing me. Whoa. She made me a big part of her pregnancy and also somehow knew when to lay off a little about the baby stuff (mainly when I'd had another let down ie a negative pregnancy test) I was eventually truly excited for her pending adventure and helped her prepare for the little guys arrival. And I was there for his arrival!
She gave the offer to carry my dream for me if I couldn't, and she'd make it come true. That was the most selfless and loving gift I'll never need to receive. But it's treasured deeply.
Winter 2010
Okay so enough with the stories, we have too many. Back to what this friendship is like. She can push me up a mountain and talk me down off a cliff. Call me out on my bullshit and slap some sense into me. And I know she means the best for me. I have as many letters filled with loving words from her as I do from my husband. Actually we've been together as long as I've been married!! (We really started the ball rolling on being friends a week after my wedding) So I celebrate 2 Anniversaries in September!
She gets my humor, understands my scatterbraindedness (like the spelling? ha!). We were raised differently but have the same core values. Even though we are very different, we are very much alike. We bask in each others uniqueness. We both believe even though we know each other so well, we'll ALWAYS have something new to learn from one another. She is the strength to my weakness. Much the way Adam is, just at a different capacity. Men can't understand everything about us after all.
She trusts me with her very life and the lives of her children. I'd trust her with mine. I have a key to her house. Even though she'll deny it, she's unintentionally waiting for the elderly man that owns the property next door and across the street to pass on so she can swipe it up for a place to build me a house. OR she's scheming a way to acquire the 30 acres behind her house so we can start our own compound!! LOL
I have held her in my arms on the cold kitchen floor as she sobbed and tears ran down my blouse. She has listened to me cry over the phone for an hour about how I didn't think I could live with Fibromyalgia anymore. AFTER I was done, she gave me back all the reasons I could. We developed a trust in each other with our vulnerability.
She was there along with my family for the unexpected emergency of the premature birth of my daughter. And held my hand and helped pick up the pieces through the trauma that followed for months afterward. She gives me hope, joy and about 700 reasons to laugh. Whether with her or AT her. She doesn't mind.
When she is around I feel like my world is complete. Hugging her is like getting a grasp of part of my soul that just occupies another body. Sometimes we complete each other's thoughts. It's so hard to explain, but it's all too easy with her. And when it's rough, it's fine because one of us seems to stay afloat long enough to pull the other to shore. She will bow up, throw down, kick ass and take names on my behalf. And do it with a smile on her face. Together we will conquer the world. Hopefully leave it better than when we came in. I can't wait to be gray haired with her and reminiscing over years of memories, Lessons learned and drinking Sun Tea on the porch watching our grandchildren play together. I vow to always be there for her. She is my rock and I know in my heart SHE'LL always be there. Whatever it takes.
We have become family. Somehow, 7 years, 6 dogs, 3 moves, 3 kids later...we are a family. Even with an ocean in between.
She knows I will make mistakes and witness hers. She inspires me. She's my Hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. We have had to face some pretty tough things in our lives over the last 7 years. The winds have blown us in many directions and tried to blow us down. We have proved we can weather the storms. I can't speak for her but I know my foundation couldn't stand without hers.
God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. That's why He didn't give me a life without her. I couldn't handle that.
I have SO many people to thank for this lifetime gift. God, her mother, my mother, the Army, a little dog named Ivan. But above all I have to thank her. For being my friend. Opening her heart and letting me in. All in.
I love you BESS, my BESSt friend.... Thank you.
Ahh here we are:
Noun
best friend (plural best friends)
1.An especially close and trusted friend
Seriously? Is that the best we can do? I totally understand when it comes to the dictionary, it has to be short and make the point clear but I'd say this is rather vague. Maybe it's just my idea of friendship to begin with because I don't know about you but I trust all my friends. I don't tend to hang with those who are untrustworthy. Let me show you MY definition of "best friend".
I am especially close with quite a few gals. But there is a one. The one.
Tried, tested, true. Years and years of ups, downs and all arounds. Like a chicken on a junebug, you can't shake 'em off!!
But I have this ONE. With all the friendships I've had throughout the 27 years I've been on this planet never did I think I'd be gifted a friendship such as this. It was something I'd only heard about, dreamed of. Yet meanwhile over the years I've been stabbed in the back, gossiped about, lied to, trampled on and plain ole left in the dust. It happens. Those are fleeting friendships. The ones that teach us what best-friendship ISN'T.
Ain't she Purty??
Only SHE could've taught me what bestfriendship IS. It does exist. And God brought us together. It all started with a dog. I can get into that later but I want to discuss my life now having had a BESSt Friend. It is the person whom I am certain God placed in a different family because He knew one set of parents couldn't handle us both!! I don't think either of us thought when we met that our bond would've ever blossomed into what it is today. If I don't hear her voice, after a few days I get cranky and really just homesick. I go through withdrawals sometimes. I really do.
Winter 2005
She has been there, everywhere I have been. From Chicago to Alabama and anywhere in between. Her time, money and energy have been lovingly invested in me. ME. Not because I have anything I can give her, but just because I'm me. She was with me before the pain, with me in the long journey to discover what it was and supported me every step. Coached me into taking care of myself no matter what that meant. So what if I had to quit working full time? Another doctor? Suck it up and go get looked at! She remembers (probably vaguely now, what the pain free me was like)
She was there for me through a difficult time (luckily short) in my marriage. Rejoiced when everything healed and we moved happily along. From Chicago, her house was always the halfway and resting point on the way to my family in North Carolina. I always had a place to stay. Whether it be 6 hours or 6 days. Didn't matter. Her home is my home, she's always made me feel that way and for some reason I've always felt THAT way. (you know how sometimes no matter how laid back a host is you still feel like a guest?) Nope, not there. I cook there, clean there. I've never felt more like I belong. (With anyone besides my blood family) Hell I've even rearranged some things and helped her decorate a nursery.
That's the next thing. Wow. I don't want to go into stories because this is about the definition of a best friend. But this is important. It's part of the core.
I had been trying SO hard for a baby for over a year...She couldn't understand the longing because she herself didn't have it at that time and didn't know when and if she would. Then she got pregnant. By surprise. I'm not sure if she was nervous or apprehensive about telling me. She gave me a little runaround hint that she needed me to be available around the beginning of November (2007). To visit them. 3 of them. (the wheels were turning but I was coming up dry) Then she said it. And I froze up inside. Totally numb. I didn't know what to say or do. I was in denial and thought she was joking. Nope this was for real. I wanted to crawl under the table. I felt SO guilty because I loved her but the first thing my heart felt was sadness, emptiness and anger. "Why her? She wasn't even planning on having children at least not anytime soon!!" I hugged her and totally faked the Oh how exciting! deal, found a reason to go to "my" room. Put my face in the pillow and cried. I was crying for two reasons, I was genuinely guilty about the first reason for my crying, I was bitter, it wasn't fair. How and why could I not be truly happy for her even though I'm hurting so bad? After a few days I sat down and talked to her about how I was feeling. I expected her to be disappointed in me and upset. (understandably so) But she wasn't.
She didn't judge me one iota. It was then on I knew I'd be able to go to her with ANYTHING. She was unsure about how she felt about becoming a mom when she found out and she admitted she couldn't imagine the heartache it must be causing me. Whoa. She made me a big part of her pregnancy and also somehow knew when to lay off a little about the baby stuff (mainly when I'd had another let down ie a negative pregnancy test) I was eventually truly excited for her pending adventure and helped her prepare for the little guys arrival. And I was there for his arrival!
She gave the offer to carry my dream for me if I couldn't, and she'd make it come true. That was the most selfless and loving gift I'll never need to receive. But it's treasured deeply.
Winter 2010
Okay so enough with the stories, we have too many. Back to what this friendship is like. She can push me up a mountain and talk me down off a cliff. Call me out on my bullshit and slap some sense into me. And I know she means the best for me. I have as many letters filled with loving words from her as I do from my husband. Actually we've been together as long as I've been married!! (We really started the ball rolling on being friends a week after my wedding) So I celebrate 2 Anniversaries in September!
She gets my humor, understands my scatterbraindedness (like the spelling? ha!). We were raised differently but have the same core values. Even though we are very different, we are very much alike. We bask in each others uniqueness. We both believe even though we know each other so well, we'll ALWAYS have something new to learn from one another. She is the strength to my weakness. Much the way Adam is, just at a different capacity. Men can't understand everything about us after all.
She trusts me with her very life and the lives of her children. I'd trust her with mine. I have a key to her house. Even though she'll deny it, she's unintentionally waiting for the elderly man that owns the property next door and across the street to pass on so she can swipe it up for a place to build me a house. OR she's scheming a way to acquire the 30 acres behind her house so we can start our own compound!! LOL
I have held her in my arms on the cold kitchen floor as she sobbed and tears ran down my blouse. She has listened to me cry over the phone for an hour about how I didn't think I could live with Fibromyalgia anymore. AFTER I was done, she gave me back all the reasons I could. We developed a trust in each other with our vulnerability.
She was there along with my family for the unexpected emergency of the premature birth of my daughter. And held my hand and helped pick up the pieces through the trauma that followed for months afterward. She gives me hope, joy and about 700 reasons to laugh. Whether with her or AT her. She doesn't mind.
When she is around I feel like my world is complete. Hugging her is like getting a grasp of part of my soul that just occupies another body. Sometimes we complete each other's thoughts. It's so hard to explain, but it's all too easy with her. And when it's rough, it's fine because one of us seems to stay afloat long enough to pull the other to shore. She will bow up, throw down, kick ass and take names on my behalf. And do it with a smile on her face. Together we will conquer the world. Hopefully leave it better than when we came in. I can't wait to be gray haired with her and reminiscing over years of memories, Lessons learned and drinking Sun Tea on the porch watching our grandchildren play together. I vow to always be there for her. She is my rock and I know in my heart SHE'LL always be there. Whatever it takes.
We have become family. Somehow, 7 years, 6 dogs, 3 moves, 3 kids later...we are a family. Even with an ocean in between.
She knows I will make mistakes and witness hers. She inspires me. She's my Hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. We have had to face some pretty tough things in our lives over the last 7 years. The winds have blown us in many directions and tried to blow us down. We have proved we can weather the storms. I can't speak for her but I know my foundation couldn't stand without hers.
God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. That's why He didn't give me a life without her. I couldn't handle that.
I have SO many people to thank for this lifetime gift. God, her mother, my mother, the Army, a little dog named Ivan. But above all I have to thank her. For being my friend. Opening her heart and letting me in. All in.
I love you BESS, my BESSt friend.... Thank you.
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